Top 20 office quotes (No. 1)

It's time for No. 1 boys and girls!!! An honorable mention will be posted Tuesday ... it would have made the top 10, but came in after we started. I'm sure you're all waiting with baited breath. (The color of type is a hint on whom it's from.)

AND THE NO. 1 QUOTE IS ...
JANUARY 17, 1994
A caller to DJW: "You are racist white trash, a racist confederate bastard."
DJW: "Nope, I believe I was on the other side in that war."

Top 20 office quote (No. 2)

Somewhere, I'm sure Metry Mama is saying, "Thank God this office quote crap is almost over."

APRIL 12, 2008:
I jokingly tell JRap, "You wanna just kick The Gene Pool's ass for the fun of it?"

Peanut chuckles.

I say, "Peanut, you have a sinister side, don't you?"

Peanut: "Well, that's not even a challenge. Even I can kick The Gene Pool's ass."

Week 4 NFL picks

Two good weeks in a row. That's a scary thing, but of course I wasn't smart enough to place my money on these prognostications. We'll try it again, and if we have another 10-plus win week, it's about time to contact my favorite bookie.

Here we go:

(16 points) DENVER minus-8.5 over KANSAS CITY
--> Even though this is my top pick, it's no gimme. Like I said in Week 2, it's a scary proposition to pick a road favorite in a division game, especially giving this many points. But the Chiefs are awful and have no passing game, where the Broncos are most vulnerable.
Last week: Cowboys (-2.5) 27, Packers 16 (correct pick)

(15 points) TENNESSEE minus-3.5 over MINNESOTA
--> It is incredulous that it took this long for Brad Childress to figure out Tarvaris Jackson isn't good enough to play quarterback in the NFL. And while Adrian Peterson is just waiting to give that big boost to the Vikes, it's somehow a surprise to everyone that the longest-tenured coach in the league, Jeff Fisher, once again has a good team.
Last week: Dolphins 38, Patriots (-12.5) 13 (incorrect pick, bastard Patsies cost me in the Suicide Pool)

(14 points) GREEN BAY minus-1.5 over TAMPA BAY
--> The Packers losing big to Dallas doesn't say they aren't a good team; rather it says they aren't an elite team. Meanwhile, the Bucs have a long way to go to impress me, and a team with quarterback problems shouldn't be able to beat one as well-rounded as the Pack.
Last week: Jaguars 23, Colts (-5.5) 21 (incorrect pick, like I promised, I'm officially off Colts bandwagon. Grrrrr.)

(13 points) BALTIMORE plus-7.5 over PITTSBURGH
--> Speaking of quarterback problems, it's starting to look like there's more wrong with Big Ben than the Steelers are letting on. Besides, for some reason Rashard Mendenhall (who's starting in place of Willie Parker) decided to give the Ravens some bulletin-board material. Smart move, rook.
Last week: Vikings 20, Panthers (+3.5) 13 (incorrect pick, Carolina choke choke cough cough)

(12 points) PHILADELPHIA minus-3.5 over CHICAGO
--> I'm not sure what my deal is with picking road favs, but it seems to be working. Besides, the Bears aren't all that great at home, and I am still sticking with my statement that the Eagles are the second-best team in the NFC.
Last week: Bucs (+2.5) 27, Bears 24, OT (correct pick, luckee luckee)

(11 points) CAROLINA minus-6.5 over ATLANTA
--> Obviously, the Falcons can beat up on the bad teams. That's probably going to be the only teams they can beat up on. Not that the Panthers have been world-beaters, but they're back at home and have a stout defense that should put a clamp on Matt Ryan and Michael Turner.
Last week: Giants 26, Bengals (+12.5) 23, OT (correct pick, I told you to never let the Giants lay double-digit points)

(10 points) BUFFALO minus-8.5 over ST. LOUIS
--> I must have been high last week to think the Rams could cover a spread. So what if they're at home this week? Can't wait to see what the man-geniuses Haslett and Venturi have in store for the upstart Bills.
Last week: Chargers (-8.5) 48, Jets 29 (correct pick, maybe the Bretts are worse that I thought)

(9 points) JACKSONVILLE minus-7.5 over HOUSTON
--> Another bandwagon I have leaped off is the Texans. They have no running game, and Matt Schaub isn't surprising anyone. The Jags showed real moxie last week, and I think I originally didn't give them enough credit. Well, that's changed now.
Last week: 49ers (-3.5) 31, Lions 13 (correct pick, can't wait til Thanksgiving to watch a full Lions game ... NOT)

(8 points) DALLAS minus-11.5 over WASHINGTON
--> Until somebody stops this locomotive, you just can't bet against the Cowboys. That includes here against a much-improved Redskins team.
Last week: Eagles (-3.5) 15, Steelers 6 (correct pick)

(7 points) NEW ORLEANS minus-6.5 over SAN FRANCISCO
--> I hate picking the Saints this high (so that tells you what I think about the remainder of my picks), but my gut is usually right about these guys. I think they're going to start quick and hold Frank Gore down just enough to win by a touchdown or maybe 10.
Last week: Ravens (-2.5) 28, Browns 10 (correct pick)

(6 points) OAKLAND plus-7.5 over SAN DIEGO
--> The anger is out of the Chargers system, and while I think they're one of the top three teams in the AFC, something just ain't right with LT. And if they don't have him at full strength, it's going to be tough to rout anyone. Even Oakland.
Last week: Redskins (-2.5) 24, Cardinals 17 (correct pick)

(5 points) CINCINNATI minus-3.5 over CLEVELAND
--> The hoax is over; the Browns really are bad. Meanwhile, the Bengals are ready to resume their perch among the middle of mediocrity.
Last week: Titans 31, Texans (+4.5) 12 (incorrect pick, I need to take my own advice about the Titans)

(4 points) ARIZONA plus-2.5 over NY JETS
--> Seriously, why do oddsmakers keep putting faith in the Jets? Because of a 38-year-old quarterback? They need a lot more to resurrect this group than Favre. Meanwhile, I still say the Cardinals are being overlooked.
Last week: Falcons (-3.5) 38, Chiefs 14 (correct pick)

Other picks last week: Bills 24, Raiders (+8.5) 23 (correct, 3 pts); Seahawks 37, Rams (+9.5) 13 (incorrect, 2 pts, yes I really picked St. Louis); Broncos 34, Saints (+5.5) 32 (correct, 1 pt).

HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 3: 11-5, 87 points
OVERALL AGAINST DA SPREAD: 22-9 (.710), 192 points (96 per week)

TP Sports Pool standings: Me 192, LR 155, JRap 153, JLE 144, Gene Pool 141, PVW 136, Lopes 135, MLC 129, WWB 127, KVP 112, DJW 74

KVP's got ya back

It's sort of an office ritual to mess with The Gene Pool (as seen by a blog I wrote about two weeks ago). I have to give it to the kid, he's got spunk, and he usually takes the ribbing well.

Sometimes, though, you can tell you hurt his feelings. Unlike most of the people I banter with, I actually feel bad when I hurt his feelings. It's almost like messing with the team mascot. He's just doing his job, dammit!

MLC usually hits him a little harder than I do, but for some reason, he usually takes it harder when I hit a little below the belt. I dunno, maybe it's my presentation. ;)

Here's some back and forth banter from Thursday night while we wait for the end of the Tulane game. Check out the last quote. I deserved it.

Gene Pool: "So what happens if the Astros sweep their last series, and the Brewers and Mets get swept?" (Houston is 3 1/2 back with three games to play.)

Me: "What difference does it make? They're too far back. I think they're officially eliminated. The Mets have 88 wins."

TGP: "They're not officially eliminated. The Mets can finish 88-74, and the Astros can finish 88-74. Would they have to make up the game with the Cubs on Monday?"

Me: "Will you just give it up? They're not going to play that God damned game."

TGP: "Well, they could."

Me: "Give it up, already. Who gives a shit, anyway?"

TGP: "(Clearly annoyed and looking straight at Marcus for some unknown reason) I'm just saying it's not impossible. JESUS."

Me: "Who the f*** are you talking to?"

TGP: "(Pouting voice) You."

Me: "You’re looking at Marcus, but talking to me. That makes sense."

Me as I get up and look into the corner of the room away from everyone: "(Loud) God Dammit, Marcus."

The office, except for TGP laughs in unison.

GDG: "You’re an asshole."

Me: "You’re just figuring out after five years that I’m an asshole?"

KVP: "You must not have read the scouting report."

Me: "(Pause) I have to give it to you, though, my wife and I have been together for three years, and she doesn’t know I’m an asshole yet."

KVP: "Yeah, but the difference is you don’t have to pay Gene when she figures it out."

Doggin it

Many times, especially at the airport, I feel as if security has reached a level of absurdity. I understand why government officials deem it necessary, and the reason, in my opinion, is not so much to protect the public, but rather to cover their own ass.

I mean, what good does making people take off their shoes really do? That one attempted shoe bomber, and now we all have to suffer by waiting in ridiculous lines to get on a plane. It's just damned aggravating.

Now before you all go off and think to yourself, "Well, shit Derry, we wouldn't want your patience to be tested in favor of national security," here's a perfect example of what I'm talking about.

Here's a story today from The Associated Press, which I thought was hilarious and wanted to share:

After a bomb scare at the Philadelphia Phillies’ ballpark, authorities pointed the finger at a fuzzy green suspect — The Phillie Phanatic.

Hours before the Phillies-Atlanta Braves’ game on Wednesday night, a film crew shot a commercial of the mascot shooting heavily wrapped hot dogs from a launcher.

But someone inadvertently left three of the duct taped hot dogs outside the ballpark, sparking security fears. Stadium employees were evacuated and the bomb squad was called in.

Only after the packages were blown up did authorities realize they’d just exploded some sausages.

“We saw something that looked suspicious,” said Michael Stiles, Phillies senior vice president, administration and operations. “We did the right thing. It turned out to be nothing. We could have gone over and picked it up and thrown it in the trash and been done with it. But if we had been wrong, somebody might have lost an arm.”

After the detonation, the game went on as scheduled.

“I’d rather them blow up some hot dogs or some ketchup and mustard and relish than have it be a real bomb,” reliever Chad Durbin said. “Better safe than sorry.”

Top 20 office quotes (No. 3)

MARCH 17, 1999:
Ex-TP employee CTG after someone said some Auburn player's name rings a bell: "Well, Quasimoto rings a bell, but that doesn't tell me anything."

Top 20 office quotes (No. 4)

JUNE 20, 2003:
JLE (46 hours and 25 minutes after getting her engagement ring and 30 minutes after saying, "It's just my first marriage"): "I can't wait to get pregnant and use my sick days."

Top 20 office quotes (No. 5)

The top 5 begins ... Hope you think they're better than Metry Mama thought about the first 15.

JANUARY 23, 2000
SEA (after I told her my ex-bloodsucker wanted a platinum setting in her ring): "Uh, no. She's a greedy B. Don't buy her platinum, buy the bitch white gold."

P.S. In the 15 years I have known her, I think I have heard SEA say 15 cuss words.

Top 20 office quotes (No. 6)

November 17, 1995:
PVW: "Wow, Curtis plays Salmen next week. It'll be Number 1 vs. Number 2 . . . Ewwww, that game is going to stink."

Week 3 NFL picks

Well, I had a great week last week, picking 10 winners in 15 games. In fact, seven of my eight top picks went in the win column. Too bad, though, I didn't follow my own advice and actually make any wagers. If I have another week like that, I just may have to indulge a bit. I will say that I don't feel nearly as confident about this batch as I did of the last.

Let's go to the picks:

(16 points) DALLAS minus-2.5 over GREEN BAY
--> I am never a fan of picking against a home dog which has been playing well. The thing here, though is I think the Cowboys are the best team in the NFC, and quite possibly, the NFL. With another chance to prove their worth, look for the Starheads to win by 10 or more.
Last week: Patriots (+2.5) 19, Jets 10 (correct pick)

(15 points) NEW ENGLAND minus-12.5 over MIAMI
--> The oddsmakers still don't quite get it that the Patriots aren't THAT much worse without Brady. They've come around a bit -- last week making them a dog against the Jets (Were you kidding me?) -- but this same game last year would have been about a 20-point spread. Take the Pats one more week before everyone wises up, and laugh at everyone else.
Last week: Colts (-2.5) 18, Vikings 15 (correct pick ... whew)

(14 points) INDIANAPOLIS minus-5.5 over JACKSONVILLE
--> This is the week the Colts break out, even if it is against one of the league's tougher defenses. And by the way, if this isn't the week, I will be jumping off the Colts' bandwagon like investors were jumping off stocks Monday and Wednesday.
Last week: Redskins 29, Saints (-.5) 24 (incorrect, very incorrect, pick)

(13 points) CAROLINA plus-3.5 over MINNESOTA
--> The Vikings finally realized they need to stop using Tarvaris Jackson at QB, but Gus Frerotte can't be the answer. Didn't he bang his head into a brick wall like 15 years ago? The dude just ain't right, and Carolina moves to 3-0.
Last week: Packers (-3.5) 48, Lions 25 (correct pick)

(12 points) TAMPA BAY plus-2.5 over CHICAGO
--> An even better choice would be the under, whatever the hell it is. Honestly, I think the only way I lose this one is if Robbie Gould kicks a late field goal to give the Bears a 3-0 win.
Last week: Broncos (+2.5) 39, Chargers 38 (correct pick, thanks Mr. Hochuli)

(11 points) CINCINNATI plus-12.5 over NY GIANTS
--> Am I mad? Just plain stupid? So the Bengals have been awful, but the Giants shouldn't be giving 12 1/2 points to anyone. And if they're up by 14 in the waning minutes, my man Ocho Cinco will come through for me.
Last week: Panthers 20, Bears (+3.5) 17 (correct pick, thanks half-a-pernt)

(10 points) SAN DIEGO plus-8.5 over NY JETS
--> Now while these new Jets aren't exactly an offensive juggernaut, they're certainly better with No. 4 under center. The thing here is, though, I expect the Chargers to be pissed and play like Favre is Ed Hochuli.
Last week: Giants (-8.5) 41, Rams 13 (correct pick, thanks Mr. Haslett)

(9 points) SAN FRANCISCO minus-3.5 over DETROIT
--> Didn't Jon Kitna again predict the Lions would win 10 games? I'm not sure they could win 10 games against the spread if they were underdogs to the Dolphins for the next 13 weeks. (Sorry Gene Pool.)
Last week: Bills (+6.5) 20, Jaguars 16 (correct pick)

(8 points) PHILADELPHIA plus-3.5 over PITTSBURGH
--> Big Ben is banged up, and the Eagles are flying high offensively, despite losing last week to T.O. and the boys. Make me even more aggravated that I couldn't keep bidding on DeSean Jackson.
Last week: Buccaneers 24, Falcons (+8.5) 9 (incorrect pick, what was I thinking?)

(7 points) BALTIMORE minus-2.5 over CLEVELAND
--> The Ravens got an unexpected week off to prepare for the Browns. Does any team really need a week of to prepare for the Browns?
Last week: Raiders (+3.5) 23, Chiefs 8 (correct pick, shees the Chefs are bad)

(6 points) WASHINGTON minus-2.5 over ARIZONA
--> This was a toughie, because I really think the Cardinals are headed for 10 or 11 wins. But that's mostly because of their piss-poor division, and last week the Skins showed what they can do against a passing team.
Last week: Cardinals 31, Dolphins (+6.5) 10 (incorrect pick, note to self: Don't ever pick Dolphins again)

(5 points) HOUSTON plus-4.5 over TENNESSEE
--> The hurricane certainly didn't help the Astros, but this team's a little different. Like, maybe, just maybe, they won't feel sorry for themselves and constantly cry about what their millionaire asses had to endure.
Last week: Titans (+1.5) 24, Bengals 7 (correct pick, need a drink Mr. Collins?)

(4 points) ATLANTA minus-4.5 KANSAS CITY
--> On one hand, I was thinking how in the hell could the Falcons be giving anyone points. But then I realized they were playing the Chefs, and suddenly this pick wasn't so tough.
Last week: Steelers 10, Browns (+6.5) 6 (correct pick, thanks Mother Nature)

(3 points) OAKLAND plus-8.5 over BUFFALO
--> Sort of in line with picking against the Cardinals, I don't like picking against the Bills, either, as they are my surprise AFC team. But their offense is facing a tough D, and Got Dat Wood looks like he's the real deal.
Last week: Cowboys 41, Eagles (+6.5) 37 (correct pick)

(2 points) ST. LOUIS plus-9.5 over SEATTLE
--> If this doesn't tell you what I think of the Seahawks, I'm not sure how to make it any clearer. They are just awful. And P.S. I know the Rams are awfuller.
Last week: 49ers 33, Seahawks (+8.5) 30, OT (incorrect pick)

(1 point) NEW ORLEANS plus-5.5 over DENVER
--> A couple of things before you go out and officially declare me crazy. The Saints aren't as bad as they played last week, and the Broncos aren't that good. Still, while I realize Jay Cutler is bound to have a great day, I think Drew Brees will have an even better one.
Last week: no pick, hurricane

HOW DA CMMSH HAS FARED: 105 points, 11-4 record
OVERALL: 105 points, 11-4 record

Top 20 office quotes (No. 7)

January 18, 1996:
Pete: "You just dont go jumping into num-nums these days, pal."

Top 20 office quotes (No. 8)

Feb. 9, 2004 (MLC, after being told that AXM had her baby the day after she trained MLC for harris, and KVP had to go to the ER the day he was supposed to train MLC on slot):
"I want to work with Richard next."

It's in The Gene Pool

It's well-known around the office that Metry Mama is looking for just the right girl for The Gene Pool. I, though, have my own suggestions. And while they all don't meet all the requirements TGP has set for a potential mate, we'll work something out.

Now as unrealistic as they are, I think if we tried hard enough, we could hook him up with someone. Here's my top four (I was too lazy to do five):

4. REBECCA LOBO (shown here with The Gene Pool)
--> Now while she blasts his height requirement out of the water, I'm like pretty sure she fits at least three of the other four conditions. I like have never heard her say like. I am positive she has her own money. She's an athlete, so there's a strong likelihood she's not a smoker. Although, I have no way of knowing whether or not she's a slut. But then again, if you're going to break one of the other requirements, this seems like the best. Of course, she's married now, but we can definitely change all that if she knows TGP is interested. BTW, MLC says this could be the wedding photo.

3. LORENA BOBBITT
--> She's 5-2, so she seems perfect! And we already know she's a cut up, just like TGP. Think of all the fun they could have together. The only thing I would say is it's probably not a good idea to piss her off. My suggestion is: "Yes, dear. No. Dear." And one other thing, if she wants to play a game of turtle, forget it. You don't want her to cut the cheese or anything else, for that matter.

2. HOLLY HUNTER
--> Forget how mad she appears to be here at this suggestion. (This photo was taken right after we told her. We think Hunter was mad at being No. 3.) She seems to fit all the requirements, and her best quality is she played a mute woman in The Piano. We all know how much TGP likes to talk, and this way, he'd never have to worry about her interrupting him. Hunter also played in Broadcast News, and she had to have learned that it usually works out best not to go for the coolest guy in the newsroom. Of course, it probably wouldn't have worked out for her, either, if she ended up with Albert Brooks character, but TGP is much cooler than him.

1. AMY POEHLER
--> The only one of the five women who might be good enough for the TCC to accept. Remember when she played the girl with Tourette's Syndrome in Deuce Bigalow? Not only did she like Sports -- she was a huge hit at an Los Angeles Angels game -- but she had some choice words for the play of her new favorite team. Only down side is that there's a strong possibility the Angels could play the Cubs in the World Series. We're not sure what would happen then. Oh, and I'm sorry the best pic I could find was her with another guy.

Top 20 office quotes (No. 9)

Nov. 16, 2002 (A married couple are separated after just four months from a wedding that she went to in August.):
JLE: "Something about the bride and the photographer. I don't know. Who needs Jerry Springer when you have St. Bernard?"

NFL Week 2 picks

So I missed starting it last week, but with the opening of the TP Sports Desk Pool, I figured I'd make my picks public for the (my little) world to see.

(16 points) NEW ENGLAND plus-2.5 over NY JETS
--> This might be the easiest pick I have seen in two years. This is the 16-0 Patriots against the 4-12 Jets, right? So what if Brady's gone and Favre is in the Big Apple? The Patriots still have Randy Moss and a defense that will make No. 4 wonder why he wanted to face them twice a season.

(15) INDIANAPOLIS minus-2.5 over MINNESOTA
--> Why doesn everyone think the Vikings are so improved, and the Colts are that much worse? Five words: Peyton Manning versus Tarvaris Jackson.

(14) NEW ORLEANS minus-.5 over WASHINGTON
--> This one would have been right up there with the Patsies, if not for all the Saints' injuries. It won't matter this week, but it might down against Denver next week.

(13) GREEN BAY minus-3.5 over DETROIT
--> If the Lions' home opener is anything like their road opener, 30.5 points might not be enough. Detroit's defense is awful, and Greg Jennings is licking his chops.

(12) DENVER plus-2.5 over SAN DIEGO
--> A gambler's rule to live by when betting on the NFL: You better be damned sure you're right if you take a road favorite in a division game. That's why the Broncos look so Mile High good here.

(11) CHICAGO plus-3.5 over CAROLINA
--> Carolina got lucky in San Diego last week, while the old Bears defense looks like it is back. Look for the old Panthers to come back this week -- no offense and an average defense.

(10) NY GIANTS minus-8.5 over ST. LOUIS
--> Are the Rams really that bad? More specifically, is the Rams defense that bad? Have you checked the fact sheet to see who their defensive coordinator is? That would make the answer to the first two questions a definitive yes.

(9) BUFFALO plus-6.5 over JACKSONVILLE
--> I didn't have the guts to move this one a little higher, but this is one of my favorite picks of the week. I think the Bills are for real, especially if their defense is as good as it was last week. Buffalo is my surprise pick this season.

(8) ATLANTA plus-8.5 over TAMPA BAY
--> I know, you know and Mike Smith knows the Falcons aren't as good as they played last week. But one thing for sure is that the Bucs aren't as good as the "experts" think they are, either.

(7) OAKLAND plus-3.5 over KANSAS CITY
--> When two bad teams face off, usually the home team is the safest pick. I just can't see, though, either team will win by more than three points. I know, I know, not the most ringing of endorsements for the Raiders.

(6) MIAMI plus-6.5 over ARIZONA
--> I was impressed with what I saw of the Dolphins last weekend, although the Cardinals' receivers are better than the Jets' WRs. But Kurt Warner/Matt Leinart are no Brett Favre.

(5) TENNESSEE plus-1.5 over CINCINNATI
--> This is one of the tougher picks of the week, because it's so hard to predict which Bengals team will show up. The thing is, for the past season the bad Bengals are much more likely to show than the good Bengals.

(4) CLEVELAND plus-6.5 over PITTSBURGH
--> Big Ben is roughed up a bit, and the Browns are ready to bounce back. I don't know what the over is in this one, but jump on it ... real quick ... before it goes up again.

(3) PHILADELPHIA plus-6.5 over DALLAS
--> I sort of feel sorry for the Eagles, who have to play in the toughest division in football. I still think, though, if anyone is going to give the Cowboys a run for their money in the NFC East, it's going to be Philly and not the Giants.

(2) SEATTLE minus-8.5 over SAN FRANCISCO
--> It's easy why this one is last. Although I think San Francisco is pretty bad, I am not all that sure the Seahawks aren't a 6-10 team. Of course, 6-10 might be good enough to win the NFC West.

(1) HOUSTON minus-4.5 over BALTIMORE (editor's note: moved this to 1 Sat.)
--> I think the better bet is that this game isn't played this week (see my rant on Drayton McClane and Bud Selig in yesterday's blog). But if it is, the Ravens will have a tough time finding the end zone with their pathetic offense.

FANTASY MUST STARTS OF THE WEEK
QBs: Aaron Rodgers, Eli Manning. ... The shocker: J.T. O'Sullivan
RBs: Clinton Portis, Larry Johnson, Earnest Graham ... The shocker: Julius Jones
WRs: Greg Jennings, Brandon Marshall, Larry Fitzgerald ... The shocker: Devery Henderson
TE: Heath Miller ... The shocker: Kevin Boss
K: Martin Gramatica ... The shocker: Robbie Gould

Houston, you have an idiot problem

It's no secret I think Astros fans are the worst Sports fans on the planet. That's right ... not worst the baseball fans. THE worst Sports fans ever to exist.

Now, it's obvious their owner is one of them. I'll go back to their fans later.

My question is has Astros owner Drayton McClane ever been through a hurricane before? Has he ever been within 50 miles of an eye wall? How bout 100 miles? I am assuming he has since he was born in Cameron, Texas, and has lived in the state nearly all of his life, according to Wikipedia. In case he's forgotten, those things do just a little damage.

The reason I ask is his team seems to be doing everything they can to make the Cubs fly in there at some point this weekend to play baseball. While he postponed Friday's and Saturday's games, there have been no plans to reschedule. And Sunday's game is in limbo.

Maybe he missed it on the news, but less than 50 miles to his south, there is a mandatory evacuation for Galveston, and Houston is sure to be next. Even if Ike decides to take a southerly turn, Houston will be severely affected (as we were with Gooostav last week). Also, one glance at CNN -- and I am certain his local channels -- suggests that people already are leaving the city in droves.

Does the guy really think anyone will show up either Sunday or Monday (a scheduled off day for both teams)? Does he even consider there's a good chance that even if Minute Maid Park does not sustain structural damage, the power might be off? Does he consider the Cubs probably wouldn't be able to fly into town, because in all likelihood both airports will be closed? Does he realize he is putting his own staff in danger?

The Astros have one of the worst fan bases in the game anyway. Sure, they show up when the team is winning, which is why I guess McClane is so hell-bent on staying, because as of this post, the Junction Jacks have somehow, miraculously, pulled out 13 of their past 14. People are excited again with false hope of making the playoffs.

I understand why they want to play. I can't understand, though, why the decision isn't made to have an alternate plan in place.

There are many other options, while McClane sits on his ass waiting to decide what to do. Take one of those options NOW. The team plays the Pirates tonight (which should have been postponed, as well). Leave the city immediately after it's over. It doesn't have to be in Chicago; tell the Cubs to stay in St. Louis and play it there. See if Atlanta is available. Play at some minor-league park in Alaska. Just forget about staying in Houston. It's not going to happen.

What this could end up causing is both teams being screwed later. IF -- and that's a big IF -- they can play Sunday night and maybe a doubleheader Monday, that causes a world of hurt to a pitching staff. It won't hurt the Cubs, whose magic number to clinch a playoff berth at this moment is 9, nearly as bad as his own team, assuming they really do have a chance to get back in the race.

And the fans? No clue. Absolutely no clue.

Yes, these same fans who think there is a "halftime" in baseball (I heard a 50-year-old man say this during my trip in July) and that each team's fans have their own side at each team's ballpark.

Here are a few comments on the Houston Chronicle's site from the geniuses following the story which said it was unsure what the team would do:

"jdloyman wrote: as hot as the astros are right now please dont cancel the games to be made up later we can whip chicago and move even closer to winning the division (they're 8 1/2 games out with 17 to play) or the wildcard. move the games to college station (where Ike will hit after it leaves Houston) or dell diamond in round rock (ditto) but play we are too hot right now."

"Lmgarvin wrote: A 1:05 game will be at least 12 hours before landfall, and they should be able to play. Astros staffers and players, as well as fans, should have finished their storm preparations by now if they've been paying attention."

"LonghornJ wrote: Close the roof and play ball!"

The intelligence level has just shot through that glass ceiling they have there.

There was one interesting comment, though. And I assume it was written by a Cubs fan:

"PaulTanner wrote: Seriously: If a blizzard dumped 18 inches on Chicago in time for opening day, they'd move that series to Houston in a heartbeat. You Astros fans are crazy. If you want the division that badly, you all deserve to drown in floodwaters."

Amen, brother.

Top 20 office quotes (No. 10)

OK, so I missed a few. That damned Gooostav.

December 30, 1994:
Pete: "Ron Hunter's wife committed suicide in her sleep."

Don't call her Da Wife

Her name is now Metry Mama.

It has taken me a little while to make it official, but since it was a 5-5 tie between that and Higher Power (the name I liked least), I get to break the deadlock. It is my blog after all.

The name fits her in so many ways, but mostly because she's the best Mama I know, and well, she lives in Metry. Now I'm not trying to kiss up, mind you, but I have to give credit where credit is due: She does it all for our son and me. Since the majority of the must-be-very-bored people who are reading this know me, that's saying a whole lot. How many out there could not only put up with me, but allow me to be me and still be there 25 hours a day.

If had pocket aces for every time she took The Boy to baseball or fixed me dinner or washed our clothes or on and on and on, I'd be giving Phil Hellmuth a run for his money, and she wouldn't need to take him to practice (although she still would).

Why say all this? Maybe I'm in a sappy mood. Maybe I felt like I don't dish out enough compliments. Maybe it's just time to give credit where credit is due. Maybe it's all of the above.

Whatever the case, I just thought I'd give a public thank you to the one who has treated me better than anyone else I have ever met, and I couldn't ask for a better partner in life.

Thanks for being there ... Love ya Mama.

Just another top 10

Inspired by talk of whom JLE would have a kid with and who she wouldn't, I present my top 10 list of the week:

Top 10 people JLE won’t have babies with:
10. Chad Ocho Cinco: That’s how this all started, and besides, who really wants to name their child Abby Theresa Ocho Cinco?
9. Dana Carvey: What woman in their right mind wants to have a child with a man who has a girl’s name?
8. Jason David: This might be OK if JLE decides to move from New Orleans, but even so, would she really want her kid to be the last one picked when choosing sides for flag football?
7. Cooper Manning: If you’re going to have a kid with a Manning ... do I need to go any further?
6. Tom Cruise: First off, there were reports a while back that he is sterile. Second, do you want your kid to be a midget who’ll go jumping around the living room in his tighty whities when he turns 17?
5. John Bobbitt: No description necessary.
4. Mike Tyson: Nobody wants a crazy kid who goes around biting other kids’ ears off when he gets his marbles stolen. On second thought, you’d know your kid could kick some serious ass.
3. Mayor Ray Nagin: He’s the mother of all assholes, and if JLE had a baby with him, the poor kid would have two mothers.
2. John "Gamby" Giambelluca: Couldn’t stand the thought of her children smelling like 99-cent cologne from K-mart.
1. Ernest Borgnine/Lee Corso: They just look too much like Gamby.

Random thoughts on Gooostav

With the threat mostly over, I have decided that instead of a dry boring update, I'd rather give you all some little nuggets you might have missed if you weren't awake watching hurricane coverage for about 44 of the past 48 hours. Yes, my eyes are about to bulge out of my head, and I have seen more of Bobby Jindal in two days than I saw of Kathleen Blanco in four years. But here goes:

First, let me give my thumbs up.

TO BOB BRECK for being the first to let us know that we weren't all going to die. A level head, who could tell us he thought those of us staying home were making a mistake, but that we'd probably not have to axe our way out of the attic and live on top the roof for five days.

My favorite moment from the longest-running meteorologist on New Orleans television (and the one I trust the most, although he can be a little loopy sometimes), came late Sunday night about eight hours before Gooostav's arrival. Paraphrased, he said:

"I am looking for any crumb or nugget of good news here, but it seems as if Gooostav is losing a little strength every time I see an advisory. This dry patch of air is wrapping around the storm an taking some of the oomph out of it. Don't get me wrong, this storm will still do damage, but it certainly won't be (slight pause) the Mother of all storms."

SAY WHAT? TOP 5
5. Newell Normand, Jefferson Parish Sheriff
"If you are out driving around Jefferson Parish, you will be stopped and challenged."
Call me duh duh dumb: Does he mean if you get pulled over, a deputy will say, "One, two, three, four, I declare thumb war?"

4. Unidentified WDSU desk reporter
"The storm looks like it is beginning to slow down. The 4 p.m. advisory has it moving northwest at 16 mph."
Call me duh duh dumb: The previous advisory said NW at 17 mph. Whooooa Nellie, that thing is almost at a crawl.

3. Unidentified WVUE field reporter
"You can see here the line of flooding just stops."
Call me duh duh dumb: No. You don't say? I thought maybe this storm was so strong that the entire Earth was covered. It's gotta stop somewhere, MO-ron.

2. Dan Milham, WDSU meteorologist
"As the hurricane pulls away from us, you will see that our winds will begin to decrease."
Call me duh duh dumb: No way? Is that how it works? Now, he has always been one of my favorites, but I am beginning to think the peeps at WDSU ain't the brightest light bulbs in the scoreboard. Margaret Orr, their morning weatherwoman said on numerous occasions how she sent her family to Baton Rouge, where the weather was almost as bad as it was here and had nearly the same percentage of power outages as did metro New Orleans. And she's supposed to give us accurate forecasts. (Oh, and to ramble on for a sec ... I am sick of her saying things along the lines of, "Like I told you yesterday," and "I warned you about ..." Yayyy. You got one or two right in 20 years. You don't need to tell us. If we care, we already know. Act like you've done it before.)

1. Ray Nagin, New Orleans Mayor
"This is the mother of all storms."
"This storm is so powerful and growing more powerful every day, that I'm not sure we've seen anything like it."
"This is the storm of the century. There's not another one that anyone can think about that is as powerful and we really don't know how strong it's going to get."
Call me duh duh dumb: And you're the mother of all assholes. I can't figure out whether he believed that nonsense he was dishing out or whether he was just trying to scare the daylights out of everyone in southeast Louisiana. Either way, there should be public outrage over this. It's fine to say, "You should be scared," and to "Get your butts out." This was WAY over the top. Instead, he caused mass chaos of people getting stuck trying to leave the city. These same people will not believe him next time he tries to beg people to get out; he used his trump card. What could he possibly say next time to get people to leave if we REALLY have the mother of all storms? For four days, this storm was projected to hit land more than 80 miles from New Orleans. Never did it really have the capability of doing to the city what SHE did three years ago. It didn't have the right track, and it continued to lose strength. Even if he did believe it was going to be as bad or worse than HER (which I do not believe for a second), to cause panic is not the way to go. But what do I know? I didn't have to sit in that traffic. Rather I stayed in my own home, slept in my own bed and saved about a thousand bucks. P.S. We already had the storm of the century.

See you all in a few days. Be safe on your trip back.

Gooostav's early

I suspect that we're beginning to get the worst of what we're going to get.

After 2 1/2 hours of sleep (the most consecutive amount of sleep I've had since Thursday), I woke up to a howling wind at about 5:15 a.m. Monday. Scared that it was a tornado, I walked outside to check, and was somewhat relieved to find that we were just in the middle of an apparent squall.

Winds were coming across at what I would imagine was hurricane force, with sideways-blowing rain. It was as loud as I have heard a rainstorm in some time. After being pounded for nearly a half-hour, it has subsided. I see the radar, though, and I know we still have more to endure.

The good news is the storm is moving rather rapidly, and the worst could be over by mid-morning or noon.

I hopefully will be able to give you another update in a few hours. As of now, we haven't lost any services.

Be safe. God Bless.