Farewell 2008 (and Good Riddance)

So 2008 wasn't the greatest of years, although it had some great moments.

In fact, it held the No. 1 moment of my life, as on the first day of February, I married my best friend in a Mardi Gras parade with friends and family with us riding down St. Charles for hours afterward. It simply doesn't get any better than that.

But there were some big downers, too. Since we want to keep this last post of the year upbeat, we'll ignore those. In fact, maybe 2008 wasn't so bad after all.

Let's leave this eighth year of the new millenium in the past with the top five headlines that ran in The Times-Picayune -- the ones that ran, that is, only in my mind.

Giuliani edges Obama
After easily taking Republican nomination, former New York mayor will become nation's 44th president

NEW YORK (Nov. 3) -- It took well into the wee hours of Wednesday morning, but former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani is the president-elect after carrying his home state -- the first time a Republican has won New York since Ronald Reagan won his second term in 1984.

It appeared dim for Giuliani in the early hours of Tuesday evening when it was announced he lost Pennsylvania and Ohio, two key battleground states. But he squeaked out Missouri and Florida -- winning each state by less than two percent -- and had to wait until 5 a.m. Eastern time to find out if he had carried his home state.

He did so by less than two-tenths of one percent, and with it came the presidency.

"I am so grateful to the people of New York," Giuliani said. "I knew they would pull through for me, and I will never forget them. Next up, it's time to save the middle class of this country by extending the Bush tax cuts and fixing the economic problems. We will make sure those companies rewarded by bailouts will pay every cent of that money back to the taxpayers of the United States of America.

"We also want to send as strong a message as we can to the people of the Middle East that while we strive for peace, we will not tolerate terrorism, nor will we accept the bullying tactics that have been allowed to exist. Certainly, though, our No. 1 priority is securing our own borders here at home and making sure all Americans are safe."

Morpheus names
its 2009 king
20-year parade veteran finally gets 'a shot'

NEW ORLEANS (April 14) -- Saying he's thrilled to have the opportunity to be king for a day, a Metairie man has been named King Morpheus for next year's parade, which will roll Feb. 20, 2009.

It will be tough to top this past year's ride for N.O. Mojo, who was married to Metry Mama on Feb. 1 on Float 20 of the Morpheus parade, but he says, "I'll do my damndest."

Mojo, who will be 40 when he assumes the throne, says it' has been his lifelong dream to be king of a Mardi Gras organization, especially one he's become very close to the past few years. This will approximately be his "25th or 30th" ride in a parade, having been in Endymion, Thoth and currently, Mojo also rides in the Krewe of Alla on the Westbank.

"Yeah, I'm finally getting a shot to do what I have always dreamed of," he said. "I didn't think it could get better than last year after the Mama agreed to marry me on a float. I just hope somebody can control the Bunnee Boy without me up there. And then there's my crazy sis and cousin from Georgia. I guess I'll let the Blowhole take my spot, but I don't want him riding next to my wife, ha ha."

Bye Bye Goat,
Bye Bye Bartman
Derrek Lee's game-winning homer in ninth secures Cubs' first World Series title in 100 years

ST. PETERSBURG, FLA. (Oct. 30) -- It was like a dream.

Two outs, top of the ninth. Trailing by one run in Game 7 of the World Series. Then, with the ghosts of old goats and visions of Steve Bartman dancing in their heads, the 100 years of futility ended in a domed ballpark 1,000 miles away from historic Wrigley Field when Derrek Lee's 440-foot blast to deep center field off David Price at Tropicana Field landed safely in the cheap seats.

Kerry Wood saved his third game of the Series, and with the 5-4 win, the Cubs were named World Champions for the first time since 1908. Outside Wrigley Field, more than 100,000 fans crowded the streets of Addison and Waveland and the surrounding neighborhoods in absolute exultation.

"It is by far the biggest moment of my life," Lee said. "To end the misery and pain of all these fans who have never seen anything like this in their lifetimes. You know what, they may never see it again, but it's all worth it tonight."

For Wood, the longest-tenured Cub and one of only three left from the 2003 team (Aramis Ramirez, Carlos Zambrano are the others), which came within five outs of the World Series, being on the mound for the final out is a moment he will cherish for the rest of his life.

"Absolutely indescribable," Wood said. "When I started pitching here, I was just a kid, and I can't imagine a better place or better people for this to happen to. They can all forget about the damned curses now. We are World Champions."

Metairie man takes
World Series of Poker
After classic battle with one of game's best, amateur wins over $9 million

LAS VEGAS (Nov. 10) -- Once an almost unfathomable dream has come true for an amateur poker player from Metairie: Winning the World Series of Poker.

Even as big, said N.O. Mojo, was how he finished it off.

No one gave him much of a chance as he started the final table sixth in chips, and those same skeptics gave Mojo even less of a chance, as he made it to the final three against Mike "The Mouth" Matusow and Phil "Poker Brat" Hellmuth as the short stack.

But he doubled up off Hellmuth, before Matusow caught a flush on the river against the Brat, topping three aces. That set off a wild tirade by Hellmuth, while Matusow jumped up and yelled, "I got you, you idiot! I knew the poker gods would smile on me some day, and now I'm ready to take out this chump."

After having the rest of the night off, The Mouth and Mojo started again the next day with Matusow having a 4-to-1 chip edge. But Mojo doubled up early with his full house beating Matusow's straight, which prompted The Mouth to say, "Nice hand, donk."

After three hours of back-and-forth, Mojo finally pulled ahead and won the tournament shortly after. The winning hand came after he called The Mouth's pre-flop raise of four times the blind with Ace-8 suited in clubs. Matusow's pocket jacks were no good when the flop came 10-clubs, 9-clubs, 2-clubs. The Mouth went all-in, and Mojo instantly called.

"Un-effing-believable," Matusow exclaimed.

Mojo took the $9 million prize and the bracelet that went with it, knowing he was the world's best of 2008.

"Surreal," he said. "I just am at a loss for words, which is rare for me. I know one thing -- Metry Mama and I are gonna live it up tonight."

Unclaimed Powerball ticket worth $80 million
Winning ticket purchased at Cleary Chevron in Metairie

METAIRIE (Dec. 28) -- Someone who bought a Powerball ticket in Metairie is $80 million richer.

The winner has yet to come forward, but rumor has it that it's not the first time this person has been lucky this year.

"I know who won," said a friend of the winner on the condition of anonymity. "Yep, the mutha won $9 million earlier this year, and now he won this. Lucky bastard. The first time, he only gave me a thousand bucks, so I'm expecting my house to be paid off this time!"

Also, in an unsubstantiated report in which it is unsure whether it's related to the Powerball announcement, there was a rumor swirling that one of members of the sports copy desk of The Times-Picayune has disappeared since the winning numbers have been announced. He has not showed up for work the past three days.

More on this story to come.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Week 17 NFL picks

It's time for the final regular-season installment of tll's Fall Giveaway. As in, if you picked against me all season long, you had one hell of a Christmas. Though, in my never-give-up mantra, I tried to look back and see what worked best. After (way too much) reflection, I decided it was the gimmicks. Other then the first two weeks, when I obviously was just plain lucky in starting 22-9, it was the picks when I threw caution into the wind and left my heart aside.

This week, my peeps, I have decided that my thoughts and heart would have nothing to do with these last picks. Instead, I created a formula in which to make these last 16 beauties. Who knows? If it is really good -- or really bad -- I can market it in a way for others to make money off my (mis)fortunes.

It's fairly simple, but tedious. I went back and checked the records against the spread (except Week 1, when we didn't pick because of Goooostav) for all 32 teams. I did it at home, away and their last six games. Depending on whether the team was home or away this week, they received a power point for a win at home (if they are on the road this week), two points for a win on the road and three points for a win at any site in their last six games. I also deducted a point if the team was in a must-win situation or if they already have clinched their position.

Some interesting tidbits before we start ... The two teams with the highest power ratings? The Saints and Falcons -- both at 29. The lowest? Jacksonville (10), Denver (12), Washington (12) and St. Louis (12). The best division? The NFC South -- all four teams are .500 or better against the spread. The worst? There are three. The AFC West, AFC East and NFC North have all of its teams at .500 or below.

There are more interesting nuggets, but I don't want to bore you all to death, as I am fairly certain just about everyone but The Gene Pool already has stopped reading. Actually, this is probably a great time to talk bad about my friends, since I am sure no one is reading. But then, that would limit me to the people whom TGP doesn't know, and that would take much of the fun out of it.

Lastly, before I did this nonsensical research, I made picks and will list them to show whether logic or the gut is smarter. (I think I know the answer already.) And I'm looking to go 16-0 so I can finish .500 for the season.

So here we go ...

(16 points) BALTIMORE minus-12.5 over JACKSONVILLE
--> One of the best teams ATS against one of the worst. The Jags likely are the most disappointing teams in 2008, while the Ravens and Joe Flacco have been one of the biggest surprises. Look for Baltimore to use this game as a springboard into the playoffs.
What I would have picked: Saints plus-3.5 over Panthers
Last week: Saints (-6.5) 42, Lions 7 (Black & Gold loves playing against bad teams)

(15 points) ATLANTA minus-14.5 over ST. LOUIS
--> One of the worst things I see about this method is having two double-digit favs at the top. But logic dictates the Falcons still have something to prove, and with a shot at the No. 2 seed and a bye in the first round of the playoffs, look for Michael Turner to run roughshod over the Real Men of Genius' defense.
What I would have picked: Broncos plus-7.5 over Chargers
Last week: Chargers 41, Bucs (-3.5) 24 (Who can figure out the Chargers?)

(14 points) NEW ORLEANS plus-3.5 over CAROLINA
--> Even my head knows that NFC South teams are undefeated this year STRAIGHT UP against division opponents. So getting points seems to be a treat for the Saints here. Another interesting note here is that the Bless You Boys are 5-1 ATS in the Dome (really, 6-1 since they won in Week 1 against the Bucs), and are one of the bookies' biggest nightmares. The majority of the betting world is going with the Panthers, and I think they'll lose some moulah.
What I would have picked: Chiefs plus-2.5 over Bengals
Last week: Bears (-3.5) 20, Packers 17 (The ole halfa point loss, grrrr)

(13 points) TENNESSEE minus-2.5 over INDIANAPOLIS
--> Don't want to sell you against this one, but this goes against all my rules. Logic dictates, though, that the Titans have been the stronger pick ATS, including a 6-0 (and 8-1) start. Realistically, although both teams have clinched their playoff seed and don't care all that much, the Colts have more to proove. But of course my personal logic has been pretty screwy this season, so who knows?
What I would have picked: (Coincidentally) Colts plus-2.5 over Titans
Last week: Raiders 27, Texans (-6.5) 13 (Seriously, who thought Oakland would win straight up? Liar.)

(12 points) NY GIANTS plus-6.5 over MINNESOTA
--> Clinched home field or didn't clinch. I could care less. The Giants GETTING points here? Don't care the circumstances, this is plain ole overcompensation. One thing for sure, Tom Coughlin is not going to let his team look like a bunch of dopes heading into the playoffs. He certainly remembers the winning run he needed for momentum last season. P.S. The Giants have the best record in the NFC ATS at 10-4. The Vikes are 6-8, including a sub-.500 record at home.
What I would have picked: Packers minus-9.5 over Lions
Last week: Giants (-2.5) 34, Panthers 28, OT (OK, the TD was overkill, but so what)

(11 points) SAN FRANCISCO minus-2.5 over WASHINGTON
--> Another quirk in this system is that you are trusting the linesmakers are remaining consistent and that their lines are correct. Not sure I wouldn't have made the Skinsies a slight fav here, or at leats made it even. Still, I think Singletary has done a good job, and good coaching usually beats poor coaching, and Jim Zorn has self-proclaimed that he's the worst coach in the country.
What I would have picked: Giants plus-6.5 over Vikings
Last week: Titans (+1.5) 31, Steelers 14 (Told ya that line was outta whack)

(10 points) SEATTLE plus-5.5 over ARIZONA
--> The Seabags wanna win Holmgren's last game. The Cardinals seem to have packed it in a few weeks ago. Also, Seattle is 4-2 in its last six games ATS, while Arizona is 2-4, in case you needed more proof that the Cards' bird is cooked. Love Seattle straight up.
What I would have picked: Bucs minus-13.5 over Raiders
Last week: Patriots (-7.5) 47, Cardinals 7 (One and done for Desert Beakmen next week)

(9 points) HOUSTON minus-2.5 over CHICAGO
--> Bears got lucky last week to remain alive, but the Texans have been too tough the past few weeks to overcome. After an 0-5 start ATS, Houston has come alive and is 6-3 as of late. The Bears are a model of mediocrity -- 4-4 at home ATS, 3-3 on the road and 3-3 in their last six games. Boooring.
What I would have picked: Seahawks plus-5.5 over Cardinals
Last week: Bengals 14, Browns (-2.5) 0 (Were Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn THAT important?)

(8 points) SAN DIEGO minus-7.5 over DENVER
--> Not that the Chargers have been a solid pick this season, but the Broncos have been just plain awful, going 4-10 ATS. Don't jump out there and bet the rent, though, as Denver is 3-3 on the road. If they make the playoffs, their first game will be at home, where they are 1-7 ATS. All in all, this spread seems awful high, as the bookies have been in love with San Diego all season, and I can't figure out why.
What I would have picked: Jaguars plus-12.5 over Ravens
Last week: Seahawks 13, Jets (-4.5) 9 (Damn, didn't figure in the Holmgren Factor)

(7 points) DETROIT plus-9.5 over GREEN BAY
--> OK, the last half of these picks don't need a ton of explanation. With this one, here's what you need to know: Detroit is 5-1 ATS on the road, 1-7 at home. As my grandpa used to say, Nuff said.
What I would have picked: Eagles minus-1.5 over Cowboys
Last week: Colts (-6.5) 31, Jaguars 24 (Just squeaked this one by)

(6 points) PITTSBURGH minus-10.5 over CLEVELAND
--> The Brownies have been awful with Ken Dorsey under center. The Steelers have been on a roll, although they are just 2-4 ATS at home this season. After last week, they're a little ticked and will look to pile on the points.
What I would have picked: Dolphins plus-2.5 over Jets
Last week: Ravens (+3.5) 33, Cowboys 24 (Way to close out your historic stadium 'Boys)

(5 points) NEW ENGLAND minus-6.5 over BUFFALO
--> If any team knows how to play must-win games (which to me include playoff games), it's the Patsies. Even a win might not be good enough here, but there's no way Belicheat is ending the season with a whimper.
What I would have picked: Redskins plus-2.5 over 49ers
Last week: 49ers (-4.5) 17, Rams 16 (I hate lambs)

(4 points) MIAMI plus-2.5 over NY JETS
--> All year, the Dolphins have been a surprise. Well, I think it would be a mighty surprise if they finish what they started and win the AFC East here. Also, the Fins have been great ATS on the road, posting a 5-2 mark, while the Jets are a mediocre 3-4 at home.
What I would have picked: Patriots minus-6.5 over Bills
Last week: Dolphins (-3.5) 38, Chiefs 31

(3 points) KANSAS CITY plus-2.5 over CINCINNATI
--> Well the Bungles have started to play a little better? Whoop-de-frickin-do. It was against the Redskins and Browns, while the Chiefs have been respectable against just about everyone the last half the season. P.S. KC is 4-2 ATS on the road, which means they always get a couple of extra points. They'll win this one straight up.
What I would have picked: Rams plus-14.5 over Falcons
Last week: Redskins (+5.5) 10, Eagles 3 (Knew it would be tough for Philly to sustain)

(2 points) OAKLAND plus-13.5 over TAMPA BAY
--> The Raiders, for some reason, have played better on the road. Problem is, you never know what you're gonna get. If they have any intensity on defense, it should be enough to keep this one inside the spread. That's a big if.
What I would have picked: Texans minus-2.5 over Bears
Last week: Falcons 24, Vikings (-3.5) 17 (Not even close on this one)

(1 point) PHILADELPHIA minus-1.5 over DALLAS
--> In all likelihood, if the Eagles win, both teams are out of the playoffs. That would be cool.
What I would have picked: Steelers minus-10.5 over Browns
Last week: Bills (+6.5) 30, Broncos 23 (What else do you expect from mediocre AFC West?)

HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 16: 9-7, 70 points
OVERALL AGAINST DA SPREAD: 104-120 (.464), 919 points (61 per week)

TP Sports Pool Standings: JLE 1167, MLC 1009, LR 1008, WWB (won week, 80) 999, Lopes 962, PVW 942, JRap 938, Gene Pool 929, Me 919, KVP 902, DJW 876

It's da most wonderful time ...

So this is Christmas. Yes, Christmas my dear.

The holiday season is different for everyone. Some are excited and hate when Christmas Day is over. Some get a little blue and can't wait for it to be over to start feeling like themselves again. Then there are Scrooges and your everyday haters, who just hate it because other people love it.

All kinds of Christmas peeps, I tell ya. For me, Christmas is a time of reflection and a time to make others happy.

I used to love getting gifts. I always bought great presents and expected great ones in return. Didn't need to be expensive, but rather I expected people who knew me well to get me things they knew I would like. I used to use Christmas as a gauge to see how well my friends and family knew me -- or cared, even.

I don't care all that much anymore, and I know that's one thing about getting older. I don't buy for nearly as many people as I used to. I'd rather spend the bulk of my Christmas cash on Metry Mama, The Boy and my nieces and nephews. Much more fun.

But what I love to do even more is to think back to Christmases past. In fact, if I ever became a real-life part of A Christmas Carol, I know I'd be cast as Ghost of Christmas Past.

Just this morning while watching the weather, the guy told me that we had a good chance to break the record high temperature of 81 at Audubon Park set in 1984. Immediately, I thought back 24 years ago, and remembered swimming in the Coglaiti pool on Christmas Eve. Of course, it didn't last long because the water was like 68 degrees or something (which might as well be 32 degrees). But that day sticks out in my mind.

Since my Mom passed away in 2006, I always think about her a lot around the holidays. Just before she left us three years ago, she got real sick just before Christmas. In fact, it was very odd. We got the call that she had a short time (days) to live while I was in Massachusetts spending the holidays with my two sisters at the same time for the first time in 10 years. It was also just days after the Mama and I had started dating and just a few months after K came.

It was a strange and active, almost tumultuous time.

I remember often how my Mom loved Christmas. Absolutely loved it. One year in particular, I wanna say 1986, her and my Dad had been split for good for a couple of years, and she was probably the best mentally I had ever known her. It was that year and the next couple that we got along best. This particular Christmas had her feeling great because, for a change, she had money to buy presents for everyone. And when she was feeling her best, that's what she loved to do -- give to others.

I remember that she bought me tons of clothes. And my Mom had good taste, even as I was 18 or 19, she knew what sort of stuff I'd like. As most of you know, it's not easy buying clothes for a teenager. It didn't matter, though, as the family was happy and together.

I think back to, I believe, 1991. It was my Nanny's last Christmas. It was also one of the last Christmases I remember with most of my family on my Mom's side intact and together and, well, all there. My grandparents, both of whom either had dementia or Alzheimer's, were still feeling well enough to have company. My sisters and I were at my Mom's, who lived directly across the street from 126 North Alexander, the house in which I spent so much of my first 18 years.

I don't think I laughed as hard -- EVER -- as when PaPa received his gift from Nanny. It was a cement birdbath. My PaPa loved birds. He knew every bird there was that flew around southern Louisiana. It was a logical gift. For some reason, though, he didn't appreciate it. He wanted us to "get that damned thing out of here." Oh, it was one of those had-to-be-there moments, but for the eight or so people who were there, it was absolutely hysterical. It was PaPa in one of his last PaPa moments. Of course, my Nanny didn't appreciate that he didn't appreciate his gift. That wasn't so funny. But it did help to make the moment even more memorable.

There was the Christmas about five years ago I spent with my Dad and stepmom and her family. It's the last time I was with my Dad on Christmas Day. I miss those times greatly. I miss my family. I love my new family greatly, but I wish more than anything we could all be together.

Who knows? Maybe one of us will hit the lottery and be able to fly everyone here one Christmas. Maybe not.

This brings me to the present. The Mama told me last night that she was feeling blue this year. I know it has a lot to do with her job, and I totally understand. But I refuse to be down. I think back to the good times and realize that there are plenty of good times ahead. Twenty years from now, I might be blogging about that great Christmas of 2008 or 2014 or 2020.

I am so thankful for what I have. Which is why I don't worry about presents anymore. I have all that I need. Maybe not all that I want, but all that I need is much more important.

I hope you all feel the same way. But whatever the circumstances, I wish you all the happiest of holiday seasons. And if you have your Mamma, give her a hug and tell her hello for me.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Week 16 NFL picks

Depending on how you look at it, I did everyone a favor by not blogging my picks last week during my vacation. It was real bad news for you if you use my picks as a guide to take the opposite. I apologize if that's how you use this -- in that case -- very valuable tool.

We have officially given up on finishing the season .500, but there's no quit in the lovable loser. Nope, in the snow last week, we saw a vision of Mr. Frost, and he told me to stop using his name on my blog. Something about copyright infringements. So we were on our own last week. In the spirit of Marley and Ebenezer, we will invoke the ghosts of Christmas past and tell the old dead bastard to, er, live with it. We were well over .500 with him, and we're gonna try the poetry thing one more time in hopes of a 12-4 bonanza.

Here we go ...

(16 points) NEW ORLEANS minus-6.5 at DETROIT
In the spirit of Christmas,
everyone deserves a win
But if the Saints lose this one
we'll consider it a Cardinal sin
Last week: Jaguars 20, Packers (-1.5) 16 (Just the beginning of the misery)

(15 points) TAMPA BAY minus-3.5 vs. SAN DIEGO
If you have paid attention,
then you know
The NFC South wins at home
rain, sleet and, yes, even snow
Last week: Bears 27, Saints (+2.5) 24, OT (I rode that horse til it was dead. It's dead. OK, one more week.)

(14 points) CHICAGO minus-3.5 vs. GREEN BAY
The Monsters of the Midway
still have a shot,
While the Pack without Favre
sits in a stink-filled, garbage-laden rot
Last week: Falcons (-2.5) 13, Bucs 10 (NFC South at home, babbee)

(13 points) HOUSTON minus-6.5 at OAKLAND
The Texans' defense has played
mighty stout as of late,
And that's more than enough
to stop JaMarcus and his mates
Last week: Steelers 13, Ravens (-1.5) 9 (Baltimore as a favorite? What was I thinking?)

(12 points) NY GIANTS minus-2.5 vs. CAROLINA
When it comes to December
the cream rises to the top,
And in my opinion,
the Panthers are about to flop
Last week: Chargers 22, Chiefs (+5.5) 21 (KC has been a decent dog all season)

(11 points) TENNESSEE plus-1.5 vs. PITTSBURGH
Every week there's a spread
that just doesn't make sense;
So here, boys and girls,
is your chance to make the rent
Last week: Jets (-6.5) 31, Bills 27 (Noooowwww they use Mojo Lynch)

(10 points) NEW ENGLAND minus-7.5 vs. ARIZONA
I like the Pats even if
this one smells a little funny
But so did my breakfast,
that'd be eggs -- sunny and runny
Last week: Eagles 30, Browns (+13.5) 10 (OK, so I was desperate)

(9 points) CLEVELAND minus-2.5 vs. CINCINNATI
I know the Browns stink,
but so does Cincy;
It's Christmas time,
remember not to be chintzy
Last week: Colts (-17.5) 31, Lions 21 (I have been awwwwful with double-digit-spread games)

(8 points) NY JETS minus-4.5 at SEATTLE
It's almost the postseason,
and I'm rootin for the Jets
Let's just hope they
do better than the stinkin Mets
Last week: Seahawks 23, Rams (+2.5) 20 (What the F happened at the end of this one?

(7 points) INDIANAPOLIS minus-6.5 at JACKSONVILLE (Thurs.)
The Colts came out
and gave me an early present;
The rest of my picks
should float as well as cement
Last week: Dolphins (-6.5) 14, 49ers 9 (Wow, Miami's offense has become stagnant)

(6 points) BALTIMORE plus-3.5 at DALLAS
The Ravens play much better
when they're the dog
Can you imagine how good their defense would be
if they played in pea-soup type of fog
Last week: Vikings (+2.5) 35, Cardinals 14 (Picking against Arizona has been pretty easy lately)

(5 points) SAN FRANCISCO minus-4.5 at ST. LOUIS
Don't care the game,
there's no more pickin the Lambs
Of course there's only one week left
and that just makes me wanna say, "Damn!"
Last week: Texans (+3.5) 13, Titans 12 (Told ya bout dat Texans' D)

(4 points) MIAMI minus-3.5 at KANSAS CITY
Logic screams out that
the Chiefs will cover,
But I'm sorta slow
Kinda like a turtle (huh?)
Last week: Cowboys 20, Giants (+2.5) 8 (G-Men needed a wakeup call)

(3 points) WASHINGTON plus-5.5 vs. PHILADELPHIA
Cuz of last week's fiasco,
I'll hate dem Skins til the day I die;
Incidentally that's sorta the way
I feel about Rhubarb Pie
Last week: Bengals 20, Redskins (-6.5) 13 (M*%th*rf#%*er)

(2 points) MINNESOTA minus-3.5 vs. ATLANTA
The Birds aren't as good
when they leave their nest,
even if they are like mosquitoes:
such an effing pest
Last week: Panthers 30, Broncos (+7.5) 10 (Denver is one hard team to read)

(1 point) BUFFALO plus-6.5 at DENVER
The Bills are a team who
is used to the cold air;
Merry Christmas to all,
even if your name is Clare
Last week: Patriots 49, Raiders (+7.5) 26 (Not gonna mention again that I should've taken the Patsies. Oooops.)

HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 15: 4-12, 37 points
HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 14: 9-7, 80 points
OVERALL AGAINST DA SPREAD: 95-113 (.457), 849 points (61 per week)

TP Sports Desk Pool: JLE 1101, MLC 966, LR 949, Lopes 919, WWB 919, PVW 887, Gene Pool 885, JRap (won week, 91) 881, DJW 858, Me 849, KVP 832

Livin up to a name

It was just the most God-awful weekend of football last weekend. Maybe I was being punished for not writing during my vacation. Maybe it was give-take after the glorious "snowstorm" last Thursday. Maybe it was justice from all of the time I take from the Mama on my Sundays off spending seven hours in front of the tube (Is it a tube anymore? ... I don't know).

It began Thursday with da Boys losing. It wasn't so much that they lost, rather how (again). They come back from the dead and blow it. Why can't they be like the rest of the mediocre world and just lose? Don't comeback and give false hope. I am so sick of mediocre, I could scream. No, really. I hate mediocre. Average might as well be f***ing bottom of the barrel. There really is no difference, you know. If you lose half the time or all the time, you end up in the same place. Moving on.

The weekend got worse. On Friday, I felt like someone had tried to poison me. ... Hmmmmm. I spent the day in bed sick as a dog. (Are dogs really sick? All the time? Maybe the phrase should be "sick as a sick dog." But then why a dog? Why not a rhinoceros? Or an egret? Or even a pot-bellied pig? The questions of life.) I got up long enough to go have birthday dinner for my mother-in-law, but it was right back in bed. BTW, it was the first time I fell asleep before midnight (and stayed in bed til morning) all year, I believe.

Saturday was a little better, as the Boy's Cleary Sonics defeated the Girard Hornets in the opening game of the 10-year-old Big Dance. They lost in the second round to the Girard Tar Heels, but hey, the Boy is doing much better than I thought he would. He's made a few 3-pointers and is playing excellent defense.

Later, I saw my alma mater lose in the Louisiana High School Class 4A State Championship game. Didn't hurt my feelings all that much, as a close friend coaches for the team they lost to. Just getting that far for a third straight season is some accomplishment. Much better than mediocre, I might add.

The Mama and me finished the night off with dinner at one of my favorite restaurants -- Gimchi -- and a nightcap or two with Scotty at Sidelines. (Vacation makes me realize how much I really, really miss having Saturdays off.)

Now Sunday just plain sucked. Not to bore the non-football watcher with the details, but it comes down to this. The Mama and I have had an entry in what's called a knockout pool for the past 14 weeks. How it works is you put up 25 bucks to enter. Every week, you pick a team to win. If they win, you move on. If they lose, you're out. You cannot pick the same team twice. Last entry standing wins the pot. (Generally, when it gets down to like five, they agree to split the pot.) There were 13 entries left out of 304. We could taste the money.

You know where this is headed, I'm sure ...

So, as soon as we won the previous week, I knew who we were taking. We hadn't chosen New England yet, and they were playing the lowly Raiders. Even though I was on vacation, I drove to The T-P to keep my routine of talking to MLC, The Gene Pool and the rest of my cohorts to discuss my selection. Problem was, no one was up there when I came up. Bad Omen, I knew it. I started to doubt my selection, and then the call came. It was the Blowhole. He told me that the father of the Patriots quarterback had passed away, and the QB was leaving the team for an unspecified amount of time. Would he play? If he did, would he be effective? Could the lowly Raiders actually pull the upset. "Their defense is pretty decent," I told myself and the Blowhole.

You guessed it. I decided against the Pats. The first time ALL season I wasn't going with my original gut feeling. So we both went with the Washington Redskins, who were traveling to Cincinnati to play the 1-11-1 Bengals. Quite possibly the second-dumbest move I have ever made in my adult life. (The first has something to do with an X, a why and a pfffff.)

Sick. I mean sick. I apologized profusely to the Mama, and she was nothing but consoling. I felt better, but then I began to think it was as if I was doing the picking and she expected me to get it wrong at some point. Like there was no way I could pull off a piece of 7,200 bucks. There are such low expectations of the mediocre, I thought.

Then, the last piece of my football season remained alive. The part I cared least about all season suddenly became my No. 1 priority. It was my participation in a second fantasy football league. One I did just for kicks. And it started out great. I took a 50-point lead almost by halftime of the noon games. I still had my No. 1 player, Anquan Boldin, who was averaging about 15 points per week. I still had the second half. It didn't matter that she had (yes she) three players and a defense left.

You know where this is headed, I'm sure ...

Yep, Monday night killed me. I lost to a girl. The weekend of complete and utter failure was finalized. the lovable loser lived up to his nickname, as it was truly a loser weekend.

On Tuesday, we had the joy and pleasure of coming back to work.

And for the first time since Labor Day, we don't have anything to root for this weekend. The Saints play the winless Lions, and I could really care less. Fantasy football is over, as BMF faces the Plunderin Poons in Finks Bowl XV. Normally, I would root for my own conference to win, which would mean the Poons, but this year I truly don't give a damn.

So I come back to the premise that made me write all this. Is it really better to be mediocre than to be a loser. I have had a ton of both, so I should know by now. The truth is they both suck. Neither is worse than the other. Neither is better.

After this long-winded babble, what have we learned? I think it's that Al Davis was right.

Just win, baby.

Week 14 NFL picks

Well, we're on a roll boys and girls. The ghost of Mr. Frost is shining down on me as the weather turns a little more, er, Frosty. Two straight winning weeks and three out of four. Can we continue the trend upward toward the middle of the pack in the TP Pool?

Hang on for all the exciting developments. OK, well maybe not exciting, but interesting, maybe? OK, not even interesting, but I'm striving toward personal happiness.

Before I start with the picks, I would like to give my condolences to the family of the Pook's Flukes. Pappa Pook passed away last weekend, and the lovable loser just wants the Flukes to know we're thinkin about ya.

On with the picks ...

(16 points) CAROLINA minus-2.5 over TAMPA BAY
--> Part of our resurgence stems from doing well with the top pick. As of late, we've tried to find games that no one else liked, and that seemed to work. No such pick this week, as to me, this is as close to a sure thing as you can get. NFC South teams have been unbelievably great at home. Despite a 9-3 overall record, the Bucs have been tepid, at best, on the road. We're going to stick with trends and tll thinks the Panthers are ready to avenge a rout at The Pirate Ship a few weeks ago.
Last week: Texans (-2.5) 30, Jaguars 17 (We luvvvv Monday night)

(15 points) NEW ORLEANS minus-2.5 over ATLANTA
--> Expecting a mixed bag of picks on this one, and we're gonna continue with the home team for the fourth straight week. Since we love trends, we'll stick with the same one from our 16-point bonanza. Even the Saints do well at home, and I still believe the NFC South won't have a losing team. If that is to happen, the boys in black and gold pretty much must take this one.
Last week: 49ers 10, Bills (-6.5) 3 (Buffalo has become real bad real quick)

(14 points) CLEVELAND plus-13.5 over TENNESSEE
--> I haven't done all too well taking double-digit underdogs this year, but I like three of them this week. The Titans had their feast at Detroit last week for Thanksgiving, and who wouldn't take the Brownies lightly? They're down to their third-string quarterback, Jamal Lewis is about as fast as me, and Braylon Edwards looks like he goes on the field after eating a tub of buttered popcorn. But their defense has been stout, and the Lake Erie Warriors should keep it close.
Last week: Falcons 22, Chargers (-5.5) 16 (So much for the bookies)

(13 points) CINCINNATI plus-13.5 over INDIANAPOLIS
--> OK, this one makes no sense. That's why I like it. Remember last week's explanation about me making no sense so that's why I understand things that don't make any sense? If you understand that, you'll get that just because this is completely senseless, it makes perfect sense.
Last week: Chiefs (+2.5) 20, Raiders 13 (No way JaMarcus could pull two straight wins out of his bag)

(12 points) GREEN BAY minus-5.5 over HOUSTON
--> Goes back to what we said last week. The Texans are pretty solid at home, not so solid on the road. And one thing we know for sure is water will be solid at Lambeau this weekend, as we get just two weeks away from the official start of winter. The Pack is pissed, and I look for a good, underachieving team to take control early in this one.
Last week: Vikings (-2.5) 34, Bears 14 (Starting to love division home teams; I need to look up that stat)

(11 points) SEATTLE plus-4.5 over NEW ENGLAND
--> Speaking of not making sense. I'd like to go back to my rule of teams who have to go cross-country not usually playing very well, especially after a tough game (Belicheats routed by Pittsburgh last week). The Patriots are in a must-win, but the Seahawks have played better at home with Hasselbeck back in the fold. We'll buck the trend, and we figure we're the only one with this one.
Last week: Broncos (+7.5) 34, Jets 17 (Spread just didn't make sense to me)

(10 points) SAN FRANCISCO plus-3.5 over NY JETS
--> Another spread that makes no sense to me. Why aren't the Niners getting a touchdown here? So when the bookies are trying to get people to jump one way, I like to jump the other. And more times than not, that's the right way to go.
Last week: Colts 10, Browns (+4.5) 6 (See above and bookies and jumping)

(9 points) MIAMI plus-1.5 over BUFFALO
--> The Bills have been horrible lately, and even horribler against division teams, home or away. The Dolphins have rightfully been mentioned among serious playoff contenders. If they are to continue to be in that conversation, they HAVE to win this week. And they will.
Last week: Titans 47, Lions (+10.5) 10 (Gobble, gobble. What a turkey.)

(8 points) OAKLAND plus-9.5 over SAN DIEGO (Thurs.)
--> This is more a case of a 4-8 team giving a 3-9 team almost 10 points. Shouldn't happen. We all know the Chargers have been underachievers, but that doesn't justify this spread. Also, the Raiders seem to do well just about every other week against the spread. This is the other week, and we like the black and silver.
Last week: Ravens 34, Bengals (+7.5) 3 (The real Bungles showed up)

(7 points) CHICAGO minus-3.5 over JACKSONVILLE
--> I don't think the Bears are very good, but I have lost all confidence in the Jags. They seem to be falling apart, and couldn't move very well against the Texans. The Bears should have enough to stop the Jax running game. Oh, and if Chicago loses, they're toast. If Jacksonville loses, who cares?
Last week: Panthers 35, Packers (-2.5) 31 (Choking bastards)

(6 points) DETROIT plus-9.5 over MINNESOTA
--> Going back to division home teams, especially ones as big home dogs. You heard it here first: Don't be surprised if this is the week the laughable Lions get their first W, although I tend to believe it's going to come in Week 16 against you-know-who.
Last week: Steelers (E) 33, Patriots 10 (I probably would have taken New England if you gave me 22)

(5 points) NY GIANTS minus-7.5 over PHILADELPHIA
--> So the Eagles had a good week to fool everyone into thinking they're going to get back in the wild-card hunt. The G-Men, meanwhile, are coming off a week of inner turmoil, and will take out their frustrations on an opponent which has had quite a bit of turmoil of their own.
Last week: Dolphins (-7.5) 16, Rams 12 (Noowww the Geniuses play defense)

(4 points) PITTSBURGH minus-2.5 over DALLAS
--> The Cowboys have been wonderful since Romo has comeback, but it's been against mediocre (at best) teams. The Steelers have had -- by far -- the toughest schedule in football. Big Ben seems to be at his best at home in bad weather. Forecast: Snow flurries and temps in the upper-20s. Advantage Pittsburgh.
Last week: Giants (-3.5) 23, Redskins 7 (Stayin on the G-Men bandwagon the rest of the season)

(3 points) WASHINGTON plus-5.5 over BALTIMORE
--> The Ravens have been playing over their heads, of course, they've also been playing some pretty bad teams. The Skinsies, meanwhile, haven't had a solid game in about six weeks. I think this ends up a battle of field goals, and while I like Stover over Suisham, a 16-13 Baltimore win means pick the DC boys.
Last week: Bucs 23, Saints (+3.5) 20 (Should left em higher)

(2 points) KANSAS CITY plus-8.5 over DENVER
--> The Chiefs have been a pretty solid dog this year, while Denver is all over the place. One week good, one week pathetic, one week great, then they suck again. Well, they were excellent last week, which means Let-Down City.
Last week: Cowboys 34, Seahawks (+12.5) 9 (I hope they all choked on their turkey)

(1 point) ST. LOUIS plus-13.5 over ARIZONA
--> Sorry, I just can't let the Cardinals give anyone two touchdowns. The problem with the Rams is it's either real, real close or it's a blowout. I'm thinkin take the under and the Geniuses. Besides, I think the Beakmen my drag out clinching the NFC West for another week.
Last week: Eagles (-2.5) 48, Cardinals 20

HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 13: 9-7, 76 points
OVERALL AGAINST DA SPREAD: 82-94 (.466), 732 points (61 per week)

TP Sports Pool standings: JLE 964, MLC 816, LR 806, Lopes 785, Gene Pool 759, WWB 749, Me 732, JRap 731, DJW 725, PVW 717, KVP (won week, 85) 712

Giving thanks

Today is not only the day we eat until we're ready to pass out, all the while leaving the mess for someone else to clean up. No, it's called Thanksgiving for a reason. If there's one thing I don't do enough of, it's to give thanks.

I'll do my best to make up a little bit, because I do have plenty to be thankful for.

--> I am thankful for Metry Mama. In fact, I am not sure how I would make it without her. She has been the best thing to happen to me -- by far -- and she is the most selfless person I have ever met. I am not just thankful for her because she cooks, cleans and does all the things I hate doing without complaining, but I am most thankful because she is my best friend. And honestly, when looking for the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, who could ask for more than that? And it's also cool that I have one of the best stepsons on the planet. I am soooo thankful for that.

--> I am thankful to have been healthy my first 40 years. Thankful, and I guess I should be sort of surprised. You know I am reminded every day by people who don't smoke that I shouldn't smoke. Did you know that it's bad for you? Someone should have told that to my grandfather who smoked, drank wine every day, ate fried food every day and lived to be 92. I guess that's part of why he was (sort of still is) my idol. Oh, and he hated George Steinbrenner.

--> I am thankful to have many friends. I know a ton of people who don't, and I know they aren't as happy as I am. Hell, I'm even thankful for Tommy Crosby. I have been blessed throughout life to be surrounded by people I could count on. And I hope I have been there for them when they needed me most. Without my friends, there have been many times throughout life where I'd a been *&*# outta luck.

--> I am thankful to have had just about everything I ever wanted. So maybe I wasn't spoiled as a kid, but I have certainly spoiled myself as an adult. Can't think of many things I need -- or want -- that I don't have. Sure, I'd love to win the lottery this weekend and never have to work again, but it's not neccessary. I enjoy life to the fullest, and not to sound like those cliches that I hate so much, but I live every day like it's my last. It's the only way to go.

--> I am thankful to have a job. It would be tough to be thankful for the last item if I didn't have a job. Especially these days. People often throw around the term uncertain times, but I don't think there have been more uncertain times in my lifetime than now. After my first five years of employment where I jumped around from job to job (I think I had like nine different ones, including three at one time at one point), I have been at The TP for a little over 18 years. It's hard to fathom. Seriously. With all the stupid things I have said and done? Wow. And thank you.

--> I am thankful for all the little things in life. Date nights with Metry Mama, although we haven't had as many as we'd have liked lately. (We're gonna fix that soon, Mama.) Football Day with Big Buffet. Poker night. The Finks Football League. The Cubbies and Saints. Being 18 again with Mike P, even if it is mostly over the phone these days. Watchin baseball with Drew and Billy and our convos about whatever -- again, not as often as I'd like anymore. Havin a drink with Scotty on Saturday nights after work and listening to Joe play all those songs no one else but me likes. My family, especially my two nephews and two nieces. And too many more to mention. But without 'em, I might lose my sanity.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Week 13 NFL picks

A little Turkey Day surprise all two of you have been waiting for. It's the early edition!

So we got a huge boost from the ghost of Robert Frost. Now, 9-7 isn't exactly lighting it up, but after the past five or six weeks of, um, picks, we'll take it. We even beat JLE this week! And although we liked the strategy, we're gonna skip trying to do the poem thing again. (Of course, we'll go right back to it if we suck again.)

Don't eat too much ... Here we go ...

(16 points) HOUSTON minus-2.5 over JACKSONVILLE
--> So what if we chickened out and stopped the two-week streak of taking the Saints up here? Obviously, TLL is not afraid to lose a pick or two. And besides, we're going to start a new streak of Monday night picks. As far as this one, I give up on the Jags. The Texans aren't world-beaters by any means, but Garrard has been awful, and three of Houston's four wins have come at home. In their previous meeting, the Texans lost by three at Jacksonville.
Last week: Saints (-2.5) 51, Packers 29 (Cha-ching)

(15 points) BUFFALO minus-6.5 over SAN FRANCISCO
--> Other than a white-washing of the Rams two weeks ago, the Niners have been awful since early in the season. Mike Singletary hasn't been the answer, although I think that's more because of Cheesetits Martz. For the Bills, if they have any shot remaining at the playoffs, they HAVE to win this one. They'll do it convincingly.
Last week: Bills (-3.5) 54, Chiefs 31 (His number is 23, Jauron. Give it to him. He wants it. Yes. Now.)

(14 points) SAN DIEGO minus-5.5 over ATLANTA
--> Oh everybody is just so ga-ga over the Falcons. Blah blah blah. So what if Matt Ryan is by far the best rookie QB of the season and should be around for a long, long time? So what if Michael Turner scored four touchdowns last week (*#&@**^#&&@ FILTH, FLARN FILTH)? So what if their defense made Carolina look like Tulane? In one of those why-is-this-spread-so-ridiculous games, the bookies know something, and I smell a rat.
Last week: Falcons 45, Panthers (E) 28 (Just plain ewwwww)

(13 points) KANSAS CITY plus-2.5 over OAKLAND
--> Everybody's off the Chiefs bandwagon and on the Raiders. It's funny how these terrible teams do well against the spread about every other week. It's not a coincidence, but it's funny. You know, not ha-ha funny, but like your cousin from Missouri funny. Weird. That's it. Weird, I meant. OK, maybe I'm a little funny. (We know, not ha ha.)
Last week: Patriots (+2.5) 48, Dolphins 28 (Told ya not to fall for the Fins givin-points-to-a-good-team thing)

(12 points) MINNESOTA minus-2.5 over CHICAGO
--> The Bears are 2-4 against teams who now have a winning record and have won just one of those on the road -- at Indy in Week 1. The Vikes haven't lost at home since Week 2 to, coincidentally, Indy. This one's for control in the NFC North, and until the Bears prove their offense isn't worthless against someone other than the Rams, I'm picking against them.
Last week: Vikings (-2.5) 30, Jaguars 12 (I sure do put the same teams in the same slot often, don't I?)

(11 points) DENVER plus-7.5 over NY JETS
--> My second "because the bookie's makin too much money on this one" pick of the week. Hey, if there's one thing I did right last week was picking the ones that didn't make any sense. My wife often tells me I don't make any sense, so it makes sense how I recognize the ones that don't make sense.
Last week: Texans (-3.5) 16, Browns 6 (That Brady Quinn deal lasted a long time, huh?)

(10 points) CLEVELAND plus-4.5 over INDIANAPOLIS
--> Man, the bookies are going to either rack up this week or take it straight up the bunghole. And seriously, how often do bookies take it in the bunghole? I mean some of them go to jail, and ... never mind. Just take the Brownies cuz everybody else isn't.
Last week: Bucs 38, Lions (+8.5) 20 (Even with a straight-up 17-point lead, never think the Lions "have this one in the bag")

(9 points) DETROIT plus-10.5 over TENNESSEE
--> Had this one higher, but then I started thinking about how pissed Tennessee will be, and I backed off slightly. Still, the Lions have been playing better, and I am convinced they aren't going 0-16. I don't think they'll win outright here, but the Thanksgiving audience won't be as bored as one might think.
Last week: Jets 34, Titans (-5.5) 13 (I did it again. I need to pay attention to this trend.)

(8 points) CINCINNATI plus-7.5 over BALTIMORE
--> Another division home team getting points. Sure seems like there have been an awful lot of them this year, huh? Ocho Cinco and daddy Marvin seem to be back on the same page, and if you take away Ed Reed, the Ravens still can't score. This might end up being the most boring game of the season. And if the weather's bad, don't be surprised with a 3-0 ending.
Last week: Ravens 36, Eagles (E) 7 (And again ... wow. Next week I am moving teams all over the place.)

(7 points) GREEN BAY minus-2.5 over CAROLINA
--> Prepare for the Exposing of the Panthers to continue against a mediocre team that plays very well at home. (Sound familiar?) All three of Carolina's losses have come on the road, and by a combined 92-41. And much like the Saints last week, the Pack has only been home once in the past five weeks. Lambeau will be rockin.
Last week: Steelers (-10.5) 27, Bengals 10 (Broke the Thursday losing streak)

(6 points) PITTSBURGH even over NEW ENGLAND
--> The Steelers' schedule has been brutal, and they remain in good shape. Despite the fact that Willie Parker looks out again, they often play just as well without him. New England, meanwhile, has alternated win-loss for five straight weeks, and only one of their wins comes against teams who now have more than six victories. The weather could be nasty Sunday, and that certainly favors Pittsburgh.
Last week: Cowboys (-10.5) 35, 49ers 22 (Had this one higher but got scurred)

(5 points) MIAMI minus-7.5 over ST. LOUIS
--> Guess the Real Men had their two weeks of fun. The Dolphins, who seem to be just about everybody's Cinderella for the playoffs, need a convincing win after last week's shellacking. The thing is if you allow 27 to the Bears, you'll probably give up 40 to the Wildcat Dolphins.
Last week: Colts 23, Chargers (-2.5) 20 (Nice comeback for naught)

(4 points) NY GIANTS minus-3.5 over WASHINGTON
--> See, if I was going with my too-good-to-be-true-and-the-bookies-definitely-know-something rule, I would certainly go the other way. But I have watch too many games these two have played the past few weeks, and I don't see any other outcome but a Redskins defeat. A big defeat. And you can see you confident I am about it.
Last week: Redskins 20, Seahawks (-3.5) 17 (Gotta love that halfa point)

(3 points) NEW ORLEANS plus-4.5 over TAMPA BAY
--> Here is my official tribute to the New Orleans Saints. Do I think they'll win? No. Do I think they'll cover? Probably not. Do I think they got me 16 points each of the past two weeks and I had an awesome time last Monday and I said I can't stop picking them until they lose and I'm gonna stick by that? Absolutely. Go Black and Gold.
Last week: Raiders (+9.5) 31, Broncos 10 (Sometimes you just don't ask questions)

(2 points) SEATTLE plus-12.5 over DALLAS
--> Hmm, let me think if I can come up with a rational explanation for this gut-feeling pick. I got it. The Seabags only lost by three points last week to a Redskins team that beat the Cowboys straight up in Texas Stadium. How's that? That's the best I can do, jackass.
Last week: Giants 37, Cardinals (+3.5) 29 (G-Men again make me look bad ... You know, kinda like poker makes Jennifer Tilly look bad?)

(1 point) PHILADELPHIA minus-2.5 ARIZONA
--> There is no way in hell anyone can make me believe the Eagles, especially Donovan McNabb, are this bad. That is no way in hell unless the Cardinals prove me wrong. Then, I never pick these scumbags again. (Unless they play the Jaguars. Nope, they don't play. OK, maybe the Chiefs. OK, good, don't play them either.)
Last week: Bears 27, Rams (+7.5) 3 (I think I learned my lesson now)

HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 12: 9-7, 87 points
OVERALL AGAINST DA SPREAD: 73-87 (.456), 656 points (60 points per week)

TP Sports Pool standings: JLE 889, MLC 751, LR 736, Lopes 720, Gene Pool 699, WWB (won week, 94) 694, JRap 688, PVW 657, Me 656, DJW 652, KVP 627

Week 12 NFL picks

Desperate times call for desperate new ways to make my picks. So, in honor of Robert Frost's 135th birthday in March, we're going to take the Road Less Traveled this week. That's right, for all except maybe four or five games, I tried to pick the opposite of what I thought would be the mainstream. Also in honor of Mr. Frost, I will attempt a poem for each pick. Cut, paste and show it to the kiddies. If it doesn't work, I think we'll try Dice Clay's poems next week. P.S. Forgive me if I don't punctuate correctly. I failed poetry class.

Here we go ...

(16 points) NEW ORLEANS minus-2.5 over GREEN BAY
The Saints were the way to go last week
So we'll ride that train til they're dead
If they get blown out like most expect
I'll lose my last little bit of cred
Last week: Saints (-5.5) 30, Chiefs 20 (Every-other-week strategy worked this time)

(15 points) BUFFALO minus-3.5 over KANSAS CITY
Coach Jauron sometimes forgets
He's got number 23 in the backfield
Don't worry Marshawn Lynch fans
Because he knows the real deal
Last week: Jets 34, Patriots (-2.5) 31 (Like I said last week, I hate NFL overtime rules)

(14 points) CAROLINA even over ATLANTA
The Dirty Birds do well at home
But we all know they're a fluke
And if I lose another 14-point game
It will just make me want to puke
Last week: Giants 30, Ravens (+6.5) 10 (The Raven? Wrong poet)

(13 points) NEW ENGLAND plus-2.5 over MIAMI
Last time I picked the Pats
To roll right over them Fins
Made me want to take my picks
And throw them right into the trash bin
Last week: Cardinals 26, Seahawks (+2.5) 20 (So much for them road-division favs)

(12 points) MINNESOTA plus-2.5 over JACKSONVILLE
I never know what to think
When I watch the disappointing Jags
They stink, they're good, they stink, they're good
As inconsistent as a bunch of used-up rags
Last week: Bucs (-3.5) 19, Vikings 13 (T.B. at home is like free money)

(11 points) HOUSTON plus-3.5 over CLEVELAND
Here's one of those picks
Where everybody likes the other club
Everybody, that is, except me and D
And I guess that means this one is sure to flub
Last week: Panthers (-13.5) 31, Lions 22 (I don't get it)

(10 points) DETROIT +7.5 over TAMPA BAY
The Lions are ready to feast on turkey
Come to think of it, so am I
Oh yeah, and don't forget the stuffing,
the potato salad and definitely the pumpkin pie
Last week: Eagles (-9.5) 13, Bengals 13 (Maybe the worst game in the history of the NFL. Yes, ever)

(9 points) TENNESSEE minus-5.5 over NY JETS
I would have bet a pretty penny
To bet Fisher's boys wouldn't be 10-0
But then again, I have no idea what a pretty penny is
So I don't have to think about it no mo (Groans from the crowd, I know)
Last week: Broncos 24, Falcons (-5.5) 20 (Can anyone figure out Denver?)

(8 points) PHILADELPHIA even over BALTIMORE
Both teams use an intimidating bird
To represent the face of their franchise
But Uncle Sam's choice is very well-known
And to cross him just wouldn't be wise
Last week: Steelers (-3.5) 11, Chargers 10 (Another blown call cost me a win)

(7 points) PITTSBURGH minus-10.5 over CINCINNATI (Thurs.)
It only took me three weeks
But I finally got a Thursday game right
Sorry to screw up my losing streak, y'all
It was simply a minor oversight
Last week: Cowboys (-1.5) 14, Redskins 10 (The Boys are back?)

(6 points) DALLAS minus-10.5 over SAN FRANCISCO
All must be right in the world
Between Tony and Jessica again
Here's hoping he throws four TD passes
Hell, wait, go ahead and make it ten
Last week: Colts (-7.5) 33, Texans 27 (Doesn't Dungy know how to put his foot on the opposition's throat?)

(5 points) SAN DIEGO minus-2.5 over INDIANAPOLIS
Everyone on the planet
Is picking Peyton and the boys
But I'm riding on LT's shoulders
To help me make a little noise
Last week: 49ers 35, Rams (+5.5) 16 (Back to life, back to reality)

(4 points) SEATTLE plus-3.5 over WASHINGTON
Last week we picked the Seabags
And we're givin 'em one more shot
If they lose in this one
I hope they all die of crotch rot
Last week: Packers 37, Bears (+4.5) 3 (Yeah, this one was close)

(3 points) OAKLAND plus-9.5 over DENVER
We all know the Raiders are terrible
But it's hard to know just how bad
Instead of letting JaMarcus throw the ball
Why don't they give it to some other lad
Last week: Browns (+5.5) 29, Bills 27 (And it was a great game to boot)

(2 points) ARIZONA plus-3.5 over NY GIANTS
I keep picking against the G-Men
And they keep making me look silly
But I try and try anyway
Kinda like poker and Jennifer Tilly
Last week: Titans (-2.5) 24, Jags 14 (Great, I got a bunch at the bottom right)

(1 point) ST. LOUIS plus-7.5 over CHICAGO
We come to the end of our little poetic journey
And we hoped you all got a little chuckle
How fitting we end with the Real Men of Genius
Because if you pick them, you usually want to hit yourself with a belt buckle
Last week: Dolphins 17, Raiders (+10.5) 15 (More bottom feeding)

HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 11: 6-10, 41 points
OVERALL AGAINST DA SPREAD: 64-80 (.444), 569 points (57 per week)

TP Sports Pool standings: JLE (won week, 97) 815, MLC 691, Lopes 676, LR 651, Gene Pool 626, JRap 604, WWB 600, PVW 593, DJW 592, Me 569, KVP 569

Random thoughts (very random)

Metry Mama has almost given up on reading the lovable loser. She used to ask me every day when I was going to put something new up, but now ... nothin. I can't let her down. I have to give her something to read besides NFL picks (which she doesn't read anyway ... good thing lol).

So I decided to jot down a few mental notes that have popped into my head recently. I mean why the hell not? Isn't that what this little free corner of Al Gore's world is for?

RUFF, RUFF
Why the hell do people feel the need to bring their dogs with them when they go somewhere? Metry Mama and I went to lunch Monday and then to pick up The Boy, and in the span of about two hours, I saw at least seven dogs. And that's including the one who was sitting outside with his owner and his owner's two companions at Caffe Caffe for lunch.

What's worse than bringing your dog for a ride in the car? Bringing your f'ing dog to lunch. Get a friend. Buy a cell phone. Just don't be such a damned loser.

DON'T PISS OFF YOUR WIFE
I learned when I was like 18 that girls hold a grudge. And if they don't hold a grudge, they hold it in their memory bank. Me? I'm good with dates. I can tell you when I moved into the house I grew up on (April 6, 1978) and the day my dad left home (April 6, 1982) and my cousin Sylvia's birthday (February 14), even though I haven't seen her in like 10 years.

Women? They can tell you every bad thing you have ever done, and usually tell you when you did it within two weeks. Something like, "Remember when you were supposed to take the trash out and it was like 32 degrees outside and I had to do it and I caught a cold and then you forgot to stop at Walgreens to get me some cough syrup and then I had to go and got sicker and then ..." ENOUGH ALREADY.

Look women: We know we F up. We just need you to know a couple things: A) Nineteen times out of 20, we don't mean it. And B) We're probably going to do it again.

Do you have to hold it against us every Godforsaken time? We love you. You love us. Can't we all just get along?

(I will be sleeping with one eye open tonight.)

IS IT JUST ME?
I asked this of Metry Mama last night and she said it wasn't. I mean it isn't supposed to be this cold here this early? Usually, I don't stop wearing shorts on the weekends til a week or two after Thanksgiving. No can do this year, Skippy. Brrrrr. I looked at the forecast for the weekend, and the high Friday is like 58 and the low is 37. WHAT THE F??

So much for global warming? Reminds me of when it snowed on Christmas. Of course, a few months later we had a pretty big storm that forced me to leave the city for six weeks. What was her name again?

WAY TOO QUIET
Wanna see the proof that parity has struck the Finks Football League like no other season in our 20-year history? Just take a look at the smack talk. Or, rather, the lack of. Even Tommy hasn't said a word in like six weeks. I did a search, and there were only like three references to "Pizza Boy" all season. Speaking of him, I've only been asked to suck a roooooooooot like maybe five or six times. Definitely a record low. I've heard, "The Blowholes have spoken" less than 10 times. Ridiculous.

I don't even think the team with the best record -- the 9-2 Plunderin Poons -- have asked to merge all season! And from what I understand, the lights in the Pipher trailer park has stayed on all season long. In the East, Bunnnee Boy must have eaten too many carrots.

And to top it all off -- and this one really hurts my feelings -- I don't think ANYONE has accused me of cheating all year.

This has got to stop people. Where are all my old friends?

OK, I've been given the snap by our night editor du noir. So, I'll leave it at that. But I'll try to write more often. I promise, Mama.