Random thoughts (very random)

Metry Mama has almost given up on reading the lovable loser. She used to ask me every day when I was going to put something new up, but now ... nothin. I can't let her down. I have to give her something to read besides NFL picks (which she doesn't read anyway ... good thing lol).

So I decided to jot down a few mental notes that have popped into my head recently. I mean why the hell not? Isn't that what this little free corner of Al Gore's world is for?

RUFF, RUFF
Why the hell do people feel the need to bring their dogs with them when they go somewhere? Metry Mama and I went to lunch Monday and then to pick up The Boy, and in the span of about two hours, I saw at least seven dogs. And that's including the one who was sitting outside with his owner and his owner's two companions at Caffe Caffe for lunch.

What's worse than bringing your dog for a ride in the car? Bringing your f'ing dog to lunch. Get a friend. Buy a cell phone. Just don't be such a damned loser.

DON'T PISS OFF YOUR WIFE
I learned when I was like 18 that girls hold a grudge. And if they don't hold a grudge, they hold it in their memory bank. Me? I'm good with dates. I can tell you when I moved into the house I grew up on (April 6, 1978) and the day my dad left home (April 6, 1982) and my cousin Sylvia's birthday (February 14), even though I haven't seen her in like 10 years.

Women? They can tell you every bad thing you have ever done, and usually tell you when you did it within two weeks. Something like, "Remember when you were supposed to take the trash out and it was like 32 degrees outside and I had to do it and I caught a cold and then you forgot to stop at Walgreens to get me some cough syrup and then I had to go and got sicker and then ..." ENOUGH ALREADY.

Look women: We know we F up. We just need you to know a couple things: A) Nineteen times out of 20, we don't mean it. And B) We're probably going to do it again.

Do you have to hold it against us every Godforsaken time? We love you. You love us. Can't we all just get along?

(I will be sleeping with one eye open tonight.)

IS IT JUST ME?
I asked this of Metry Mama last night and she said it wasn't. I mean it isn't supposed to be this cold here this early? Usually, I don't stop wearing shorts on the weekends til a week or two after Thanksgiving. No can do this year, Skippy. Brrrrr. I looked at the forecast for the weekend, and the high Friday is like 58 and the low is 37. WHAT THE F??

So much for global warming? Reminds me of when it snowed on Christmas. Of course, a few months later we had a pretty big storm that forced me to leave the city for six weeks. What was her name again?

WAY TOO QUIET
Wanna see the proof that parity has struck the Finks Football League like no other season in our 20-year history? Just take a look at the smack talk. Or, rather, the lack of. Even Tommy hasn't said a word in like six weeks. I did a search, and there were only like three references to "Pizza Boy" all season. Speaking of him, I've only been asked to suck a roooooooooot like maybe five or six times. Definitely a record low. I've heard, "The Blowholes have spoken" less than 10 times. Ridiculous.

I don't even think the team with the best record -- the 9-2 Plunderin Poons -- have asked to merge all season! And from what I understand, the lights in the Pipher trailer park has stayed on all season long. In the East, Bunnnee Boy must have eaten too many carrots.

And to top it all off -- and this one really hurts my feelings -- I don't think ANYONE has accused me of cheating all year.

This has got to stop people. Where are all my old friends?

OK, I've been given the snap by our night editor du noir. So, I'll leave it at that. But I'll try to write more often. I promise, Mama.