Got my eye on you

I have NEVER had a reason to distrust da wife. That being said, I think she might have a crush on The Gene Pool.

Maybe it's just jealousy; you be the judge.

At least three times in the past 10 days or so, I walk in the den and she's cracking up. I mean it's like someone took out the tickling feather and went to town. (If I ever catch The Gene Pool doing this, Tina will be wearing black for an f'in month.) And if I call up TGP at any random moment and say, "Honey, did you see this, it's hysterical," the response is always the same. "I read that already."

Seriously, WTF?

I'm a funny dude sometimes, I think? When I ask her to look at something on my blog, she'll call it up (which means she hadn't read my blog, but she's read TGP arrrrggghhh), and she'll scroll down quickly through it and say something like, "That's cute."

Cute? Cute??!!?? F'ing cute??????!!!!!????? A poodle's cute. (That's for you, JLE.) An f'ing baby is cute. Hell, even a God damned advertising slogan for body wash can be cute. But I'm cute and TGP is the best thing since HD television?

Horse hockey. I think something is up here. It has to be. And I'm going to keep my eye on this whole situation.

She even had the gall to say last week, "Why can't you be like Gene? He's funny." (Although she tried to tell me yesterday that she didn't say it like that. Again, HH.)

OK, no need to judge. I guess I admit that I am a little jealous. I want to know what I have to do to be more funny. I don't have a mom that spews the F bomb like an 18-year-old chick does her chinese food after 11 Miller Lites on a Saturday night. I don't have a pool to have pool parties and have cool friends come over and give me endless fodder to write about. And I certainly don't have the frickin memory that TGP has. I mean who really can recall an embarassing moment from the fifth grade? For me that would be like 1977 or something. In case you're too young to figure out how long ago that was, gas was 80 cents a gallon then and Lee Majors was cool. (I know, "Who's Lee Majors?")

You know, maybe that bastard really is that much funnier than me. I have to look at this in a completely different light. Take the high road, yeah, that's it. Maybe I can secretly get some lines from TGP at work and then bring 'em home and see if D-Dub will go for 'em as my own.

It's worth a shot, I think. Because I ain't playin second fiddle to that something, something, something, something, something, 20-something. I can't remember what I had for lunch on my first day of school in seventh grade, but I can be funny God dammit.

At least I hope I can.