Family Fool

I want to be on a game show some day. For two years, I have dreamt of being on Deal or No Deal, telling Howie how I was going for the million and then looking over at da wife and her giving me the eyes of, "You better take that God damned deal or you'll think Lorena Bobbitt was the tooth fairy."

Ahh, dreams. It's sort of like the lottery in that you can't win if you don't try. And unlike the lottery, I haven't tried to get on a game show.

But that leads me to my point. I wouldn't try out for a game show that I know would make me look like an idiot on national television. I can do that at home. Take Jeopardy, for example. I'd have no shot. They'd ask something about some pre-historic fish, and I'd sit there with my buzzer in my hand looking like Bill and Ted in history class. Yeah, dude, good question. Maybe I should ask my good friend So Crates. Far out.

There are people around this great country of ours who just don't care how stupid they look. Just as long as they're on TV and they have something to brag to their friends about.

Point in case: Da wife is watching Family Feud, and she is finally starting to believe my theory that they pick the most moronic people that they can find to be contestants so, A) it's entertaining, and B) they don't have to pay out as much.

Tuesday's episode was a perfect example. The challenge is to name the presidents who would look the hottest in a Speedo. After Bill Clinton (the No. 1 answer) and John F. Kennedy (the No. 2 answer), here's the next 45 seconds or so of the show:

Contestant: "Billy Cheney." Host: "Hmmm. I guess Billy is another in a long line of nicknames for Richard. Show me our vice president, Billy Cheney."

Bommmmmmmp.

Next contestant: "I got it. Harriet Tubman." (with the straightest of faces, I might add.) Host: "Where are you from?" Contestant: "Houston." Host: " Do they have to take history in school in Houston? Show me President Harriet Tubman."

Bommmmmmmp.

In the same show, three answers in a row to the topic, "Things kids like to eat most: 'Shepherd's Pie,' 'sandwiches' and 'vegetables' (which the woman pronounced 'vegetebbles')." Also, when asked to name the greatest invention in modern history? "Terlet paper." (That's my favorite.)

So my advice to you is this: If you want to go on a game show, make sure you go to Toys R Us and pick up the home version. Play it 300 or 400 times, and then ask yourself: Do I have what it takes not to look like the world's biggest numb nuts? If the answer is yes, go for it. Shoot for the moon and have a good time.

If the answer is no, stay home and keep yelling the wrong answers to the TV. At least then, only Fideaux will laugh at you.