Don't call me, I'll call you

Let's just jump right into it: What in the hell would make anyone want to be the person who calls from a bank or credit card company demanding money? You'd have to be one sadistic sicko.

I have to guess that 85 percent of the calls go something like this:

Bank/CC company/Bloodsucker: Hello, Mr. Broke Mortgage Holder, this is Will Steel from the Bloodsucking Mortgage Company, and you are 12 hours late on your payment. We were wondering when we could receive that money?

Broke mortgage holder: Well, I'm a little short this month, and I am working on it.

Bloodsucker: You know your credit can be seriously affected if you don't pay your bills on time, so we need to set something up immediately.

BMH: Well, I understand that, but I don't exactly know when I can pay it. I am doing the best I can.

Bloodsucker: We still need to set a date you can pay it, so your credit won't be affected anymore that it already is.

BMH: Did you listen to anything I just said? I don't exactly know when I can pay it.

Bloodsucker: I can certainly appreciate that, Mr. Broke Mortgage Holder, but we need to have a firm date set up in the computer (because the sheet in front of him/her says so).

BMH: Arrrrggggggghhhhh. (Click.)

REPEAT PROCESS THE NEXT DAY.

Now just who in their right frame of mind would want to make this call approximately 642 times a day? Who? I'll tell you who -- only wackos and the severely intelligence impaired. Only a freak could get their rocks off from trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip (I know, a cliche).

I also am willing to bet that these nutbags get pissed off when the BMH actually says, "Oh, I'm sorry I just forgot. Let me pay you now."

Next time Will Steel calls you and asks you for money, do what my 10-year-old stepson does when a telemarketer (same kind of person, don't get me started) calls. Let the conversation go something like this:

Bloodsucker: Hello, this is Will Steel from the Bloodsucking Mortgage Company, is Mr. Broke Mortgage Holder at home?

BMH (in 10-year-old voice): Yes.

Bloodsucker: May I speak to him?

BMH: No.

Bloodsucker: Excuse me?

BMH: No, you may not speak to him.

Bloodsucker: Could you please put your parents on the phone?

BMH: Can I sing to you first?

Bloodsucker: No, please son, put your parents on the phone.

BMH: I love you, you love me, we're just one big, happy family. La la la la la (in a squeal).

Bloodsucker: (Click.)

(This used to happen at least three or four times a week with telemarketers, and strangely enough, they don't call anymore.)

Now, the bloodsuckers will still call if you wait too long to pay, but I guarantee it will slow the calls down. And besides the fact you'll still owe them the money, mind you, at least when you write the check or click the button online to submit payment, you'll get a nice chuckle to go with it.