the lovable loser

Winds of change

2009-11-13T17:07:00.006-06:00

So it has been about nine months since my last entry. Blame it on Facebook.

I haven't really felt the need to jot down/type my thoughts lately, as there has been a lot of bad news, mostly at work. There have been retirements of legends, buyouts, furloughs, insurance hikes, transfers, universal copy desks. Blah, blah, blah. Not sure I wanted to talk about it out loud.

All of this before I even mention that I don't think anyone is reading this anyway. ;)

Now, this weekend, beginning today, is supposed to be different. It's supposed to be a happy time. Come Monday, when I begin my new gig in St. Tammany Parish (what some people have called God's Country), I'll be excited and reinvigorated. I am very much looking forward to start a new challenge. No question I'll be a little nervous.

Today, though, is sad. While Monday is a new beginning, today is an end. We all know how conservatives feel about ends. Usually, they don't like them. It's no different for me. Although I know I am moving ahead with my life, and am making the best possible career choice I could make at this time of crossroads, it's hard to leave.

I guess it shouldn't considering that no longer will I be working nights or holidays or weekends, which will leave me lots more time to spend with my family. No longer will I have to schedule my vacations around sporting events I want to watch from my den or attend. Rather, I can use my free time for whatever the Metry Mama and I want to do.

Yep, I should be ecstatic. I should be leaping for joy when I turn off Howard Avenue tonight. But I won't. I will think back. Not just today, but all weekend. All month. Maybe for a lot longer than that.

I have made many friends along this 19-year journey that had a brief stop on the news side as a designer. For as long as I can remember being able to turn on a television, I have been a sports fan. How many fans get to work reading and writing about football and basketball and baseball games? Oh yeah, and even wrestling, eight-year-olds boxing and women's darts.

I wrote about the Final Four. The Sugar Bowl. The NBA playoffs. The New Orleans Saints. LSU winning its third national championship in football. I put together special sections on LSU's title run in 2004 and a Super Bowl.

I've done all that. And now, I am moving on.

Still, it's not the events. It's the people. It's the friends I have made. It is the routine of spending so much of your life with them. They are, in essence, family.

Maybe that's it. Things won't be the same when someone makes a boneheaded play -- or an awesome one, for that matter. The ooohs and ahhhs won't have the same zing to them. The laughs won't be as loud. The sarcasm won't be as thick.

It's certainly true. Every time I see one of those plays in the future, I'll think about being at my desk on a Saturday night. Only I probably won't have to worry about what's for dinner.

Yes, change is coming. It's for the better. It just won't be the same.

Talk to ya soon, my friends.

It's not your Daddy's game anymore

2009-02-10T18:44:00.004-06:00

Under the watch of "Commissioner" Bud Selig, the greatest game in the history of sports is slowly -- but surely -- being ruined.

And the latest downfall will prove to put baseball near its demise.

Yesterday, it was A-Rod admitting he did steroids, just a few years after telling Katie Couric he didn't. Tomorrow, Miguel Tejada will plead guilty in federal court that he lied when he said he didn't do steroids and human growth hormones.

Who falls next is anybody's guess. The interesting thing is that there really is no one left who could admit to doing drugs that could possibly shock anyone. That includes All-American boys Derek Jeter and Ken Griffey.

This is just a long line of occurrences and happenings which has helped to changed baseball for the worse. Much worse.

It all stems to the hiring of Bud Selig.

Could you see this stuff happening under Bart Giamatti or Fay Vincent? Unequivocally no. It would have been nipped in the bud long before it reached this point.

My guess is both of our former commissioners would have something along the lines of: "Do steroids and you're gone." Or, "Lie to authorities about doing drugs, and you're gone."

And the players would have believed them.

Steroids still would have happened, but not near to the degree of today. There would have been no need for the feds to step in and try to clean a game that they have no business being in.

Such is life in Selig's world. Yes, the same Selig who had no idea what to do about a tie in the All-Star Game and then decided that this annual exhibition winner would gain homefield advantage in the World Series. The same Selig who thought Interleague play would save the game. The same brilliant commissioner who set up a drug policy that just so happened to only catch guys who were heard of by only the most devout fans of their respective clubs.

Baseball will have a huge hole to dig from when Selig leaves, and my guess is this will be the final nail in his coffin. His lasting legacy, although he obviously believes he has been great for the game. Just listen to him long enough, and he'll tell you so.

When he's gone, one can only hope that the owners will realize they can't govern themselves. They couldn't in 1919 when Charles Comiskey talked his fellow owners into hiring Kennesaw Mountain Landis to overhaul the game and get rid of the cheaters. For more than a half-century afterwards, baseball flourished. The baseball strikes of the 1980s, and especially 1993, almost killed the game, before it rebounded and was revived by the home-run chase of 1998.

And we know who the two competitors were in that one.

Will baseball survive when all is said and done? Most likely, they'll find a way out. But only if they realize the severity of the problem and are committed to doing something about it.

Personally, as much as I look forward to the beginning of a new season, I also have found it necessary to shave my interest somewhat. I certainly don't want my son thinking these guys are role models.

Someone, though, should stand up and find people we can believe in again to be the spokesmen for our nation's pasttime. Before, that is, we speak about the game in the past tense.

Super thoughts

2009-02-02T01:03:00.003-06:00

OK, OK, so I give. It turned out to be a pretty darned good game. That is, after I spouted off how boring it was. Don't get too excited, my friends, because I think I can make a good argument that it wasn't even one of the top five all time. With that, I have some random thoughts about this game and the Super Bowl, in general ...

TOP FIVE ALL TIME
Sorry. XLIII doesn't make the list. If you were choosing the top five endings of all time, it might just creep in. But I'm talking games. And since the first 50 game-time minutes were anything but exciting (except maybe James Harrison's interception return), it doesn't make the list. Here's my list. Oh, and I don't consider anything before Super Bowl XV or so, because even though I watched most of them, I really don't remember much.

5. Super Bowl XXXIV (Jan. 30, 2000 in Atlanta) -- Rams 23, Titans 16: One last play. Steve McNair is almost impossible to bottle up. It's the moment that all players dream of. Kevin Dyson gets it, cuts inside to the 5, and it looks like paydirt for the Titans. But no, Mike Jones comes from nowhere, gets his arms around Dyson's legs. Dyson stretches out and falls less than 1 yard short. Kind of interesting that maybe the greatest ending in Super Bowl history ends on a defensive play. The rest of the game was phenomenal as well. And although defense was the rule in this one, Kurt Warner had a fabulous game (as he did Sunday in Tampa).

4. Super Bowl XXXVI (Feb. 3, 2002 in the Superdome) -- Patriots 20, Rams 17: This was the game that put ole Belicheat and Tom Brady on the map. The Pats had been my second-favorite team until this season, when I thought the cheater wrongly pulled Drew Bledsoe. When he came back from injury, I think he should have been back in there, but football is a business. Anyway, New England was like a 10-point underdog, and everyone expected The Greatest Show on Turf to roll. Instead, defense -- and Brady -- ruled the day. And you know what they say about defense ...

3. Super Bowl XXV (Jan. 27, 1991 in Tampa, Fla.) -- Giants 20, Bills 19: Poor, poor Buffalo. Poor, poor Scott Norwood. What people don't often mention about that missed field goal is that it was no chip shot. It was like a 47-yarder or something. Give the dude a break. OK, OK, I know he was paid well for just that situation, but it's not like that was a Bill Buckner or something. It was amazing the Bills were even in this one, though, as the Giants held the ball for 40-plus minutes. Had to feel good for Jeff Hostetler in this one. It really was the lone shining moment in his career. Little did the Bills know that it would be their best chance to win a Super Bowl, despite making the next three games.

2. Super Bowl XXIII (Jan. 22, 1989 in Miami) -- 49ers 20, Bengals 16: Joe Montana simply is the best quarterback of my lifetime. Hands down. And if you are too young to remember him in his playing days, then get a tape/DVD of this game, and watch the final drive. I don't care what anyone says about John Elway. If I had two minutes and I was at my own 20 and had to have a touchdown, I'd want Montana. Ask John Taylor what he thinks. P.S. The reason why this one is so high on my list, is I remember being shocked at how well the Cincinnati defense played, especially after Tim Krumrie broke his leg. What a game, what a drive.

1. Super Bowl XLII (Feb. 3, 2008 in Glendale, Ariz.) -- Giants 17, Patriots 14: Eli Manning showed unbelievable poise on that final drive -- the best winning drive in Super Bowl history, and in the top three or four of my lifetime in any game. David Tyree's catch, I think, was the best I have ever seen. More on that later. Lastly, there's just something special about an underdog -- especially big dogs -- doing something hardly anyone gave them a chance to. It was even extra special that Belicheat's shot at immortality -- a 19-0 record -- was ruined in the final 90 seconds of the final game of the season on the grandest stage in all of sports.

TIMES ARE CHANGING
It didn't even dawn on me until after the game and I was watching SportsCenter. Made me think that maybe times really are changing. Of course, it's easy for me to say. It's a little different from my perspective.

What am I babbling about, you ask? Since about midway through his first season, I thought Mike Tomlin was a great coach. Aggressive. Although he's no-nonsense, he seems to be a players' coach. Runs the perfect offensive scheme with the toughest quarterback in football. Lets his defensive coordinator who has been in the game for 50 years do whatever he thinks he needs to do and stays out of his way.

Then, an hour after the Steelers won their sixth Super Bowl -- more than any other team -- Stuart Scott told me that Tomlin was only the second black coach to win the big game. I hadn't once even thought about him being black; it never crossed my mind. He was just a coach to me. A great coach.

And when I realized I hadn't realized this significant piece of history, I thought to myself that I hope it doesn't need to be mentioned anymore. A black coach, a green coach, a white coach? Who cares? If they're good, they're good. And Tomlin is wonderful.

FLAG ON THE PLAY
The NFL seriously needs to reevaluate how they evaluate their officials. You can't tell me that Terry McCauley was the league's best referee this season. And if you needed proof that he wasn't, it was evident throughout Super Bowl XLIII.

The Cardinals used two challenges, and in both cases the calls were reversed. The first one of Roethlisberger not getting into the end zone was tough, but the second was awful. It was ridiculous that McCauley had to go to the tape to see that Warner's arm was going forward. I could easily see it on live TV, while he looked clueless on the field.

Then some of the holding calls and unsportsmalike penalties were over the top. But I'm not going to waste any more keystrokes on this guy. I have hated him since the Saints-Giants game in 2005. I think there were like eight holding calls on the Black & Gold in the second game back after Katrina in Giants Stadium as the "home" team. I wanted to shoot the MF.

Every time I have to watch a game with that guy, I know to add about 15 minutes to the game time, because there are going to be lots and lots of yellow hankies flying.

ESPN NEEDS TO GET A LIFE
After the game, the "Worldwide Leader in Sports" shows its top 10 Super Bowl plays of all time. Three are from Sunday. You can't be serious. The worst choice was making Santonio Holmes' catch No. 1. It was a great catch. It was one of the top 10 plays I have ever seen in the Super Bowl, but it wasn't No. 1. Second-worst was putting Fitzgerald's catch in there. That was absurd.

THE BOSS IS LOSING IT
I took some flak for saying I hated the halftime show. I think it was mostly because I was expecting it to be great. I love Bruce Springsteen. Always have. I got an inkling of what was to come Saturday when I watched an interview with him. They asked him who was choosing the music for the show. He said, "I'm The Boss. I pick the music." OK, I have no problem with that, but it was the way he said it. It reminded me why I don't go see many concerts anymore.

Many musicians seem to play what they like to play. Screw the fans who made you a millionaire. That's it. Play what you want. Glory Days and Born to Run, great. Don't know the other two. Can't believe he didn't sing Born in the USA (and I'm not even a huge fan of the song). Anyway, just my two cents. I was, at the least, not impressed.

IS IT APRIL YET?
And now that football is over, it's a sad time in Sports. I enjoy the Hornets, and I like the NCAA Tournament. But, really, for me, there's not much to look forward to until Opening Day, which is April 6 this year. Play ball!

Super picks

2009-01-30T16:34:00.002-06:00

The T-P sports desk's final installment ...

With the big game Sunday, only KVP and LR can win. If it's Pittsburgh, KVP takes the whole enchilada of 20 bucks. Last place is either going to be The Gene Pool (if Arizona wins) or moi.

Da picks: KVP (57 points) takes Steelers for 15; LR (57) takes Cardinals for 13; PVW (51) takes Steelers for 15; Gene Pool (49) takes Steelers for 14; JYD takes (39) takes Cardinals for 12.

Some Super numbers

2009-01-29T20:38:00.002-06:00

As we head into Super Sunday, the talk at work tonight turned to just how in the hell the NFL decided to use roman numerals to label their game.

My contention is who cares? While others insist they think it's "stupid." I think they just think it's stupid because they can't figure them out. It's not that hard people. Whatever, though. I personally like the whole roman numeral thing. Looks classy to me.

Still, I can see the NFL losing Caesar's digits before too long. You'll know why shortly.

This leads me to my predictions for upcoming halftime acts. No, I don't mean The Boss this year, rather who I see years from now -- some even after I'm long gone.

Before I look at the future, I can't believe the league missed on great opportunities for the past. Think about it ... Super Bowl IV in 1970 would have been perfect for Dr. Spock. Super Bowl XXX in 1996, you could have had the star from Debbie Does Dallas. Super Bowl XL in 2006, would have been a great time to head back to the 80s and grab the old rap group The Fat Boys.

Catch where I'm going with this yet? No? Stay with me.

Here's my vision for possible icons of future Super Bowls:

Super Bowl LI in 2017: He's been in hiding for quite a while, but you could have a whole martial arts theme and go with Bruce Li. Jackie Chan could be there. Hell, even Chuck Norris. Chinese food for everyone. It'll be a blast.

Super Bowl LIV in 2020: Gotta be Aerosmith, with Steven Tyler's daughter as their guest star.

Super Bowl LIX in 2025: Oh, where to start? I know. First with Gene Simmons, who'll be 75 years old in 2025. Can't you see it now? Him and Ace come out there in wheelchairs singing "I Want to Rock and Roll All Night." Then there's their hit, "Lick it Up." Lil Wayne will follow with a rendition of "Lollipop." Your kids will love it.

Super Bowl C in 2066: I'm not sure who's going to be popular 57 years from now, but I'm hoping there'll be some rapper named Vitamin. That's my vision, and I'm sticking to it.

I can't go much farther than that, but I can imagine they'll maybe be a mariachi band for Super Bowl CC in 2166. Maybe some Haitian long-distance runner in Super Bowl CCC in 2266. The head of RCA for Super Bowl CD in 2366. And a real dumb kid for Super Bowl D in 2466.

Lastly, Metry Mama suggested that nine years after that, they could roll out 600-year-old Dick Clark to have a Rockin Super Sunday for Super Bowl DIX in 2475.

Something to ponder. Or not.

Day of hope

2009-01-20T20:44:00.006-06:00

Whether you voted for our 44th president or you didn't, today is a day of hope. As a voter who is one of the 10 percent or so who thinks W did the best anyone could do, considering he had to endure the worst terrorist attack on American soil and the worst natural disaster in American history.

Yes, I hope that the future is as bright as the majority of our citizens think it is. The words "cautiously optimistic" have been tossed around plenty as of late, and I share in that feeling.

I am doing my best not to be sarcastic. I am doing my best in believing I won't have to pay more taxes I can't afford next year or the next. I am doing my best to share in the beliefs of my liberal friends. I am doing my best.

As we head into the first term of the first African-American president in our nation's history, I cannot understand the sense of pride my black friends are feeling, but I can be extraordinarily happy for them. And I can hope they feel the same way four years from now.

Hope being the key word. So as we all watch (and watch and watch) the events of the day, I'll share my top 10 hopes for the duration of Barack Obama's presidency.

10. I hope the comments I have heard from people across the city saying they have nothing to worry about because "Barack Obama will take care of us," doesn't lead to poor people becoming complacent. I hope they realize their hard times really won't change if they don't work even harder to make them change.

9. I hope all helped by the federal bailout do what they are supposed to do with the money received and that the taxpayers aren't left with the burden of their mismanagement and downright thievery.

8. I hope that the Bush tax cuts remain in place in some form.

7. I hope we don't leave Iraq before Iraqis can take care of themselves, so that we never have to go through this again.

6. I hope President Obama does as well protecting our home soil as President Bush did in the seven years after Sept. 11, 2001.

5. I hope the bi-partisanship the president has shown in his days as president-elect remain throughout his four/eight years in the office, no matter the pressure from his Democratic friends in Congress and Senate.

4. I hope the enthusiasm shown throughout Washington, D.C., the country and the world is still as high even one year from now as it is today.

3. I hope the president doesn't try to do too much too fast.

2. I hope if we extend our hand to countries who don't deserve it that they don't slash our wrist in return.

1. I hope, most of all, that Yes, we can.

I hope. I hope. I hope.

Conf. title picks UPDATED 1.19.09

2009-01-19T17:28:00.000-06:00

1 KVP (total points: 57, possible points: 72)
Championship picks: rPhilly (16), aPittsburgh (14)
Divisional picks: aPittsburgh (13), rCarolina (11), aPhilly (9), aBaltimore (7)
Wild-card picks: rAtlanta (12), rIndy (10), aPhilly (8), aBaltimore (6)
Remaining selection: 15

2 LR (total points: 57, possible points: 70)
Championship picks: rPhilly (12), aPittsburgh (10)
Divisional picks: rCarolina (16), rNY Giants (15), aPittsburgh (14), aBaltimore (9)
Wild-card picks: aBaltimore (11), rIndy (8), aPhilly (7), aArizona (6)
Remaining selection: 13

3 PVW (total points: 51, possible points: 66)
Championship picks: rBaltimore (16), aArizona (14)
Divisional picks: rCarolina (13), aPittsburgh (12), rNY Giants (11), aBaltimore (10)
Wild-card picks: rAtlanta (9), aPhilly (8), aBaltimore (7), rIndy (6)
Remaining selection: 15

4 GDG (total points: 49, possible points: 63)
Championship picks: rBaltimore (11), aArizona (10)
Divisional picks: rCarolina (16), rNY Giants (13), aPittsburgh (9), aBaltimore (8)
Wild-card picks: aPhilly (15), rIndy (12), aArizona (7), rMiami (6)
Remaining selection: 14

5 JYD (total points: 39, possible points: 51)
Championship picks: aPittsburgh (13), aArizona (11)
Divisional picks: rCarolina (16), aPittsburgh (15), rTennessee (14), rNY Giants (9)
Wild-card picks: rIndy (10), rAtlanta (8), rMinnesota (7), rMiami (6)
Remaining selection: 12

Tiebreakers: 1) Overall record; 2) Picks by point (first to break tie settles winner)

I'm ya Huckleberry

2009-01-17T17:34:00.003-06:00

It's no secret: I've never been the best at handling my money. Not the worst, but certainly not the best.

After my divorce almost two years ago, though, I made up my mind that things were going to change. For the most part, I've done very well. I am rarely, if ever, late with my bills. The money I waste on poor gambling choices have been slowed to a trickle. I eat out much less, and when I do, it's more the cheap chinese joint or the fi-dolla footlong, instead of 80 bucks for steak dinner or sushi every time.

Until poker became my thing, I was actually one of the worst gamblers on the planet. And another non-secret is that I love to put my money on the line. I'm not a very good blackjack player, don't understand craps, no one is really good at roulette, and those machines ... well, let's don't even go there. No, about 90 percent of any wagering I do these days comes in the form of Texas Hold 'Em, where because it's a game based more on skill than luck, I fare pretty well. I am certain I win more than I lose.

What I am trying to say is that over the past 20 months or so, I have changed. I am much more financially responsible, and that has all to do with my new family. Although I still lean more towards "live for today," tomorrow is just as, if not more, important.

That's why I am so pissed about the recent -- let's call it -- attack on my financial health, and I feel the need to share.

Unless you've lived under a big ole rock where antennas and cables and satellites don't reach, you know that the country is in a money mess. Insurance giants are folding, banks are in need of rescue, people are losing their homes. Things have been tough on Giuffrias Avenue, as well, as we don't nearly have the disposable income we had when the Mama and I first got together.

But somehow, we always manage to find a way to do the things we really want to do. And unless I lose my job any time in the near future, we always will.

There are some financial institutions, though, who don't give a rat's tookus about their customers, and I learned that the hard way yesterday.

One of the things I have always done is watched my money closely. I was proud of myself last August when I saw the market was beginning to tank, and I wasn't going to let my retirement money sink with it. I moved all of my 401k into government stocks, and saved about $16,000 over the next four months.

I keep close tabs on interest rates -- especially on my credit cards. Recently, I made the mistake of trusting a bank that I heard was in the process of doing awful things to their customers. "They're just getting a bum rap," I thought.

Citi group was just a huge taker in the multi-billion-dollar bailout given to financial institutions recently by Congress. I wasn't in favor of it then, and even less so now.

Citi, though, before the bailout promised lawmakers that they would not raise interest rates, no matter what their situation. They were given billions of dollars, and then obviously changed their tune.

But that's not the worst part, I found out personally, and also see that it isn't just me.

I was sort of leery when the limit on my longest-holding card was raised a few months ago. Now understand, about 70 percent of my credit card debt is in this account. The reason being that it's by far the best rate I could get (7.9 percent), and although I use credit much less as of late in an attempt to eliminate my debt before I'm 50, I still have a pretty significant amount I owe to Citi. The weird thing was that I had asked for a limit increase about eight months or so previous so that I could transfer other balances.

I was denied then, but then without asking, was given an increase of more than $2,500 a month before Christmas.

Now, I understand why.

Imagine my surprise (I guess that's the right word) when I saw my interest rate was jacked to 14.9. I call Citi, and demand an explanation.

Carlos says, "Sir, these are tough economic times. This is happening to everyone." I say, "Tough economic times? That's your reason? You just got about $30 billion from the government. You feel the need to rape your broke customers who depend on you? This is completely unacceptable." Carlos: "Sorry, sir."

My options were limited to accept the almost-double raise in interest, which would mean paying about 80 to 90 bucks more per month just in interest charges, or to "opt out," which I didn't immediately understand, but realized quickly that it was my best option.

By the way, if you don't know, it means that you go back to your original rate, but when your card expires, your account is closed. For me, that's not a problem, because I don't really depend on credit for daily living. What about the people who do? Guess that doesn't matter.

When I followed up with research, I read about a woman who was with Citi for 12 years, was never late on her payment, and her rate was raised from 7.9 percent to 16.9. There were hundreds of stories just like that. Also, saw a report on CNN before it happened to me about others in the same boat with Citi.

Where is this all going, besides giving me a venue to vent?

My main thing is this: On Tuesday, a new president will take office, and he has a mountain of chores ahead of him. In my opinion, this should be at or near the top of the list. After finding a way to stop hard-working people from losing their homes, President Obama needs to find a way to stop banks from stealing from the American people.

That, I know, will be some kind of chore, but it has to be done. We cannot be bullied by them any longer. Any of them.

I, for one, have learned a lesson. This will only make me more determined to become less dependent on credit. I have taken the first step, and am going in the right direction.

If you haven't already, I would suggest you all do the same.

NFL divisional TP picks

2009-01-09T17:58:00.006-06:00

1 LR (total points: 47, possible points: 82)
Divisional picks: rCarolina (16), rNY Giants (15), aPittsburgh (14), aBaltimore (9)
Wild-card picks: aBaltimore (11), rIndy (8), aPhilly (7), aArizona (6)
Remaining selections: 10, 12, 13

2 KVP (total points: 43, possible points: 88)
Divisional picks: aPittsburgh (13), rCarolina (11), aPhilly (9), aBaltimore (7)

Wild-card picks: rAtlanta (12), rIndy (10), aPhilly (8), aBaltimore (6)
Remaining selections: 14, 15, 16

3 GDG (total points: 39, possible points: 74)
Divisional picks: rCarolina (16), rNY Giants (13), aPittsburgh (9), aBaltimore (8)

Wild-card picks: aPhilly (15), rIndy (12), aArizona (7), rMiami (6)
Remaining selections: 10, 11, 14

4 PVW (total points: 37, possible points: 82)
Divisional picks: rCarolina (13), aPittsburgh (12), rNY Giants (11), aBaltimore (10)
Wild-card picks: rAtlanta (9), aPhilly (8), aBaltimore (7), rIndy (6)
Remaining selections: 14, 15, 16

5 JYD (total points: 15, possible points: 51)
Divisional picks: rCarolina (16), aPittsburgh (15), rTennessee (14), rNY Giants (9)
Wild-card picks: rIndy (10), rAtlanta (8), rMinnesota (7), rMiami (6)
Remaining selections: 11, 12, 13

Tiebreakers: 1) Overall record; 2) Picks by point (first to break tie settles winner)

It's effin boring around here

2009-01-08T20:31:00.005-06:00

I just looked it up -- there hasn't been an entry into the quote file since late September. Now, to make things even worse, two members of the copy desk have given up cussin as their New Year's resolution.

Horse hockey, I say.

This is just no damned fun. Whatever happened to the ole, "God Dammit Gene!" or "This is supposed to be 20 effing inches and it's 30! Son of a bitch!" or "It's five minutes to deadline; send your effing story!"

I miss my friends.

This also made me wonder why people have New Year's resolutions anyway. Assuming your Catholic -- and the majority of the people I know are -- it makes much more sense to give things up for Lent. With Lent, there's a specified time before you can begin sinning again and not feel guilty about it.

I mean, seriously, if you give up cheeseburgers as your New Year's resolution, the first time you eat a greasy slab of Bessie, you're gonna feel guilty, no matter whether it's Jan. 12 or Oct. 14. Just wait a couple of months, and you give yourself something to look forward to. To hell with that damned "Eat More Chikin" Cow. Slice her up, too. You know one thing's for sure -- come Easter Sunday you can eat more meat than Kobayashi on July 4.

I say sinners unite. I mean what is really accomplished by giving up something you know won't last anyway? Is the world a better place because you didn't yell, 'Shit' because the printer won't print? Will The Gene Pool love JLE any less if she doesn't call him an idiot Saturday night? Will Steinbauer sleep better if MLC doesn't tell him to get his effin story in on time?

I say no. I say you Filth-Flarn-Filthians should cuss it up. Fat people? Stay fat. Morons? Well there's no help for you, anyway.

Life should be enjoyed to the fullest. And fullest, my friends, begins with an F.

Happy Mother's Day

2009-01-06T19:56:00.003-06:00

Just because it's not the middle of May on the calendar, today is the day I probably think about Momma most.

It's interesting, as it's not a secret my mom and I weren't always the best of friends. Much of it, I take full responsibility for, as my hard-headed reluctance to forgive people -- even the ones who are closest to me -- was in its fullest effect with Momma. It seems in her passing -- three years ago today -- we are closer now than we ever were. I find myself talking to her and asking her advice on things often, something I rarely did when she was alive. I ask her for favors, and she often grants them, sometimes in ways only she knows how.

It didn't strike me when she first passed away, but recently I was thinking of the irony of her dying on this date. I always loved my mom, even when I hated her, and I know she loved me as much as anyone. It is interesting to me that she chose the sixth of January to cross into the next life because today means an awful lot to me, and has long before 2006. Today is the first day of Carnival, my favorite season of the year. She knows that.

Maybe she was worried I wouldn't think about her as much as I should, and she knew the date would stick with me. Maybe it was important that I held a special place in my memory for her. Maybe while I was having a little fun, I'd include her in the festivities. She didn't have anything to worry about, although there's really no way she could have known that. I didn't show how I felt very often.

Momma had a way with people, sort of a way I never understood, nor have I seen since. She was the kind of person who most had trouble seeing her bad side. People who weren't close to our family thought she was the happiest, most funny woman they had ever met. And when she was at her best, she was.

It's so hard to explain. She was one of the most giving, caring people I ever knew. But there was also a dark side -- one that I have done my best to purge from my mind. These days, most of what I choose to remember is her best days. The days that strangers knew. The ones in which she would give you her last few bucks, as long as you left her enough for a couple packs of cigarettes and a gallon of milk.

No, today is Mother's Day, and we'll celebrate again in 2 1/2 weeks on her 65th birthday. God took her before her time, as He often takes the best people. There's a reason for that, whether we know, understand or care. God wants happiness surrounding him. Also, He wants us to appreciate what we have, and sometimes that can only happen if we lose something dear to us.

It's sad that she had to be taken away for me to realize what I had. But I think the most important thing is I know she understands. We talk a good bit these days.

So as I stroll through the rest of January and February enjoying the Carnival season, I'll be taking Momma along with me. We're gonna have a hell of a time, and everyone is invited.

Happy Mother's Day and Happy Mardi Gras!

TP postseason picks (Wild card) UPDATED 1.6.09

2009-01-02T21:45:00.008-06:00

1 LR (total points: 24, possible points: 113)
Wild-card picks: aBaltimore (11), rIndy (8), aPhilly (7), aArizona (6)
Remaining selections: 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16

2 GDG (total points: 22, possible points: 103)
Wild-card picks: aPhilly (15), rIndy (12), aArizona (7), rMiami (6)
Remaining selections: 8, 9, 10, 11, 13, 14, 16

3 PVW (total points: 15, possible points: 106)
Wild-card picks: rAtlanta (9), aPhilly (8), aBaltimore (7), rIndy (6)
Remaining selections: 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16

4 KVP (total points: 14, possible points: 99)
Wild-card picks: rAtlanta (12), rIndy (10), aPhilly (8), aBaltimore (6)
Remaining selections: 7, 9, 11, 13, 14, 15, 16

5 JYD (total points: 0, possible points: 90)
Wild-card picks: rIndy (10), rAtlanta (8), rMinnesota (7), rMiami (6)
Remaining selections: 9, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16

Tiebreakers: 1) Overall record; 2) Picks by point (first to break tie settles winner)

Wild-card playoff picks

2009-01-02T21:15:00.004-06:00

It was a nice finish to a sub-par (to say the least) season. Using the invented formula for the final week proved dividends in points, but only gave me a one game edge in overall record. Definitely something to look into next season.

As we go into the playoffs, we look back to what we learned over the regular season. And that is there is no such thing as a lock. Also, usually whenever a line seems out of whack and the betting public doesn't notice, the betting public usually is wrong. There are a couple of those this week.

Without using point totals, let's delve into the picks in order of my best to worst ...

INDIANAPOLIS minus-1 at SAN DIEGO (Saturday)
--> Like I said last week, the bookies have been in love with the Chargers. At first glance, this line may seem a little out of whack, with the Colts giving points on the road in the wild-card week. But dig a little deeper, and I think one point isn't nearly enough. The Colts haven't lost in the second half of the season, while San Diego has had to use all of its energy to catch the Broncos (no big feat). Now, it appears LT and Antonio Gates, two of their best three players, are dinged up. If they aren't 100-percent ready, Philip Rivers will get eaten alive. Peyton, meanwhile has something to prove in the playoffs, and I love Indy to make the championship game, especially if the Dolphins find a way to win and Indy heads to Tennessee.

ATLANTA minus-1 at ARIZONA (Saturday)
--> The bettors are leaning toward Arizona, which sort of surprises me. It seems the majority expects Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald and the banged-up Anquan Boldin should roll over the Falcons defense. While I do think they will score 24-plus points, it's hard to see how the Cardinals will stop Michael Turner. Also, expect Matt Ryan to keep playing like he has all season -- unfazed by the fact that he's a rookie.

MINNESOTA plus-3 over PHILADELPHIA (Sunday)
--> I understand a couple of things on why it seems almost everyone loves the Eagles in this one -- Philly is hot, and there are few who trust Tarvaris Jackson. My answer: Horse Hockey. The Eagles are so overrated, and it is unfathomable to me how people can overlook their recent troubles in Washington and Cincinnati. The Vikings have been solidly consistent since their win in the Superdome on a Monday night in October. Don't be shocked if they win at Carolina next week, either.

MIAMI plus-3.5 over BALTIMORE (Sunday)
--> When have the Ravens been at their best this season? Except last week, they have been much better as an underdog. Also, this is just the second time all season they have been a favorite on the road (Week 13 at Cincinnati). Meanwhile, Pennington has done an adequate, if not superb, job the second half the season. I like the over in this one (37), as the Ravens' defense will spend more time on the field than they are accustomed to.

HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 17: 11-5, 88 points
OVERALL FOR DA REGULAR SEASON (FINAL): 115-125 (.479), 1007 points (63 points per week)

FINAL TP sports pool standings: JLE 1282, WWB 1104, MLC 1099, Lopes 1072, LR 1059, Gene Pool 1011, PVW 1009, Me 1007, KVP 963, DJW 960, JRap 938

Farewell 2008 (and Good Riddance)

2008-12-31T17:15:00.013-06:00

So 2008 wasn't the greatest of years, although it had some great moments.

In fact, it held the No. 1 moment of my life, as on the first day of February, I married my best friend in a Mardi Gras parade with friends and family with us riding down St. Charles for hours afterward. It simply doesn't get any better than that.

But there were some big downers, too. Since we want to keep this last post of the year upbeat, we'll ignore those. In fact, maybe 2008 wasn't so bad after all.

Let's leave this eighth year of the new millenium in the past with the top five headlines that ran in The Times-Picayune -- the ones that ran, that is, only in my mind.

Giuliani edges Obama
After easily taking Republican nomination, former New York mayor will become nation's 44th president

NEW YORK (Nov. 3) -- It took well into the wee hours of Wednesday morning, but former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani is the president-elect after carrying his home state -- the first time a Republican has won New York since Ronald Reagan won his second term in 1984.

It appeared dim for Giuliani in the early hours of Tuesday evening when it was announced he lost Pennsylvania and Ohio, two key battleground states. But he squeaked out Missouri and Florida -- winning each state by less than two percent -- and had to wait until 5 a.m. Eastern time to find out if he had carried his home state.

He did so by less than two-tenths of one percent, and with it came the presidency.

"I am so grateful to the people of New York," Giuliani said. "I knew they would pull through for me, and I will never forget them. Next up, it's time to save the middle class of this country by extending the Bush tax cuts and fixing the economic problems. We will make sure those companies rewarded by bailouts will pay every cent of that money back to the taxpayers of the United States of America.

"We also want to send as strong a message as we can to the people of the Middle East that while we strive for peace, we will not tolerate terrorism, nor will we accept the bullying tactics that have been allowed to exist. Certainly, though, our No. 1 priority is securing our own borders here at home and making sure all Americans are safe."

Morpheus names
its 2009 king
20-year parade veteran finally gets 'a shot'

NEW ORLEANS (April 14) -- Saying he's thrilled to have the opportunity to be king for a day, a Metairie man has been named King Morpheus for next year's parade, which will roll Feb. 20, 2009.

It will be tough to top this past year's ride for N.O. Mojo, who was married to Metry Mama on Feb. 1 on Float 20 of the Morpheus parade, but he says, "I'll do my damndest."

Mojo, who will be 40 when he assumes the throne, says it' has been his lifelong dream to be king of a Mardi Gras organization, especially one he's become very close to the past few years. This will approximately be his "25th or 30th" ride in a parade, having been in Endymion, Thoth and currently, Mojo also rides in the Krewe of Alla on the Westbank.

"Yeah, I'm finally getting a shot to do what I have always dreamed of," he said. "I didn't think it could get better than last year after the Mama agreed to marry me on a float. I just hope somebody can control the Bunnee Boy without me up there. And then there's my crazy sis and cousin from Georgia. I guess I'll let the Blowhole take my spot, but I don't want him riding next to my wife, ha ha."

Bye Bye Goat,
Bye Bye Bartman
Derrek Lee's game-winning homer in ninth secures Cubs' first World Series title in 100 years

ST. PETERSBURG, FLA. (Oct. 30) -- It was like a dream.

Two outs, top of the ninth. Trailing by one run in Game 7 of the World Series. Then, with the ghosts of old goats and visions of Steve Bartman dancing in their heads, the 100 years of futility ended in a domed ballpark 1,000 miles away from historic Wrigley Field when Derrek Lee's 440-foot blast to deep center field off David Price at Tropicana Field landed safely in the cheap seats.

Kerry Wood saved his third game of the Series, and with the 5-4 win, the Cubs were named World Champions for the first time since 1908. Outside Wrigley Field, more than 100,000 fans crowded the streets of Addison and Waveland and the surrounding neighborhoods in absolute exultation.

"It is by far the biggest moment of my life," Lee said. "To end the misery and pain of all these fans who have never seen anything like this in their lifetimes. You know what, they may never see it again, but it's all worth it tonight."

For Wood, the longest-tenured Cub and one of only three left from the 2003 team (Aramis Ramirez, Carlos Zambrano are the others), which came within five outs of the World Series, being on the mound for the final out is a moment he will cherish for the rest of his life.

"Absolutely indescribable," Wood said. "When I started pitching here, I was just a kid, and I can't imagine a better place or better people for this to happen to. They can all forget about the damned curses now. We are World Champions."

Metairie man takes
World Series of Poker
After classic battle with one of game's best, amateur wins over $9 million

LAS VEGAS (Nov. 10) -- Once an almost unfathomable dream has come true for an amateur poker player from Metairie: Winning the World Series of Poker.

Even as big, said N.O. Mojo, was how he finished it off.

No one gave him much of a chance as he started the final table sixth in chips, and those same skeptics gave Mojo even less of a chance, as he made it to the final three against Mike "The Mouth" Matusow and Phil "Poker Brat" Hellmuth as the short stack.

But he doubled up off Hellmuth, before Matusow caught a flush on the river against the Brat, topping three aces. That set off a wild tirade by Hellmuth, while Matusow jumped up and yelled, "I got you, you idiot! I knew the poker gods would smile on me some day, and now I'm ready to take out this chump."

After having the rest of the night off, The Mouth and Mojo started again the next day with Matusow having a 4-to-1 chip edge. But Mojo doubled up early with his full house beating Matusow's straight, which prompted The Mouth to say, "Nice hand, donk."

After three hours of back-and-forth, Mojo finally pulled ahead and won the tournament shortly after. The winning hand came after he called The Mouth's pre-flop raise of four times the blind with Ace-8 suited in clubs. Matusow's pocket jacks were no good when the flop came 10-clubs, 9-clubs, 2-clubs. The Mouth went all-in, and Mojo instantly called.

"Un-effing-believable," Matusow exclaimed.

Mojo took the $9 million prize and the bracelet that went with it, knowing he was the world's best of 2008.

"Surreal," he said. "I just am at a loss for words, which is rare for me. I know one thing -- Metry Mama and I are gonna live it up tonight."

Unclaimed Powerball ticket worth $80 million
Winning ticket purchased at Cleary Chevron in Metairie

METAIRIE (Dec. 28) -- Someone who bought a Powerball ticket in Metairie is $80 million richer.

The winner has yet to come forward, but rumor has it that it's not the first time this person has been lucky this year.

"I know who won," said a friend of the winner on the condition of anonymity. "Yep, the mutha won $9 million earlier this year, and now he won this. Lucky bastard. The first time, he only gave me a thousand bucks, so I'm expecting my house to be paid off this time!"

Also, in an unsubstantiated report in which it is unsure whether it's related to the Powerball announcement, there was a rumor swirling that one of members of the sports copy desk of The Times-Picayune has disappeared since the winning numbers have been announced. He has not showed up for work the past three days.

More on this story to come.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Week 17 NFL picks

2008-12-27T19:20:00.003-06:00

It's time for the final regular-season installment of tll's Fall Giveaway. As in, if you picked against me all season long, you had one hell of a Christmas. Though, in my never-give-up mantra, I tried to look back and see what worked best. After (way too much) reflection, I decided it was the gimmicks. Other then the first two weeks, when I obviously was just plain lucky in starting 22-9, it was the picks when I threw caution into the wind and left my heart aside.

This week, my peeps, I have decided that my thoughts and heart would have nothing to do with these last picks. Instead, I created a formula in which to make these last 16 beauties. Who knows? If it is really good -- or really bad -- I can market it in a way for others to make money off my (mis)fortunes.

It's fairly simple, but tedious. I went back and checked the records against the spread (except Week 1, when we didn't pick because of Goooostav) for all 32 teams. I did it at home, away and their last six games. Depending on whether the team was home or away this week, they received a power point for a win at home (if they are on the road this week), two points for a win on the road and three points for a win at any site in their last six games. I also deducted a point if the team was in a must-win situation or if they already have clinched their position.

Some interesting tidbits before we start ... The two teams with the highest power ratings? The Saints and Falcons -- both at 29. The lowest? Jacksonville (10), Denver (12), Washington (12) and St. Louis (12). The best division? The NFC South -- all four teams are .500 or better against the spread. The worst? There are three. The AFC West, AFC East and NFC North have all of its teams at .500 or below.

There are more interesting nuggets, but I don't want to bore you all to death, as I am fairly certain just about everyone but The Gene Pool already has stopped reading. Actually, this is probably a great time to talk bad about my friends, since I am sure no one is reading. But then, that would limit me to the people whom TGP doesn't know, and that would take much of the fun out of it.

Lastly, before I did this nonsensical research, I made picks and will list them to show whether logic or the gut is smarter. (I think I know the answer already.) And I'm looking to go 16-0 so I can finish .500 for the season.

So here we go ...

(16 points) BALTIMORE minus-12.5 over JACKSONVILLE
--> One of the best teams ATS against one of the worst. The Jags likely are the most disappointing teams in 2008, while the Ravens and Joe Flacco have been one of the biggest surprises. Look for Baltimore to use this game as a springboard into the playoffs.
What I would have picked: Saints plus-3.5 over Panthers
Last week: Saints (-6.5) 42, Lions 7 (Black & Gold loves playing against bad teams)

(15 points) ATLANTA minus-14.5 over ST. LOUIS
--> One of the worst things I see about this method is having two double-digit favs at the top. But logic dictates the Falcons still have something to prove, and with a shot at the No. 2 seed and a bye in the first round of the playoffs, look for Michael Turner to run roughshod over the Real Men of Genius' defense.
What I would have picked: Broncos plus-7.5 over Chargers
Last week: Chargers 41, Bucs (-3.5) 24 (Who can figure out the Chargers?)

(14 points) NEW ORLEANS plus-3.5 over CAROLINA
--> Even my head knows that NFC South teams are undefeated this year STRAIGHT UP against division opponents. So getting points seems to be a treat for the Saints here. Another interesting note here is that the Bless You Boys are 5-1 ATS in the Dome (really, 6-1 since they won in Week 1 against the Bucs), and are one of the bookies' biggest nightmares. The majority of the betting world is going with the Panthers, and I think they'll lose some moulah.
What I would have picked: Chiefs plus-2.5 over Bengals
Last week: Bears (-3.5) 20, Packers 17 (The ole halfa point loss, grrrr)

(13 points) TENNESSEE minus-2.5 over INDIANAPOLIS
--> Don't want to sell you against this one, but this goes against all my rules. Logic dictates, though, that the Titans have been the stronger pick ATS, including a 6-0 (and 8-1) start. Realistically, although both teams have clinched their playoff seed and don't care all that much, the Colts have more to proove. But of course my personal logic has been pretty screwy this season, so who knows?
What I would have picked: (Coincidentally) Colts plus-2.5 over Titans
Last week: Raiders 27, Texans (-6.5) 13 (Seriously, who thought Oakland would win straight up? Liar.)

(12 points) NY GIANTS plus-6.5 over MINNESOTA
--> Clinched home field or didn't clinch. I could care less. The Giants GETTING points here? Don't care the circumstances, this is plain ole overcompensation. One thing for sure, Tom Coughlin is not going to let his team look like a bunch of dopes heading into the playoffs. He certainly remembers the winning run he needed for momentum last season. P.S. The Giants have the best record in the NFC ATS at 10-4. The Vikes are 6-8, including a sub-.500 record at home.
What I would have picked: Packers minus-9.5 over Lions
Last week: Giants (-2.5) 34, Panthers 28, OT (OK, the TD was overkill, but so what)

(11 points) SAN FRANCISCO minus-2.5 over WASHINGTON
--> Another quirk in this system is that you are trusting the linesmakers are remaining consistent and that their lines are correct. Not sure I wouldn't have made the Skinsies a slight fav here, or at leats made it even. Still, I think Singletary has done a good job, and good coaching usually beats poor coaching, and Jim Zorn has self-proclaimed that he's the worst coach in the country.
What I would have picked: Giants plus-6.5 over Vikings
Last week: Titans (+1.5) 31, Steelers 14 (Told ya that line was outta whack)

(10 points) SEATTLE plus-5.5 over ARIZONA
--> The Seabags wanna win Holmgren's last game. The Cardinals seem to have packed it in a few weeks ago. Also, Seattle is 4-2 in its last six games ATS, while Arizona is 2-4, in case you needed more proof that the Cards' bird is cooked. Love Seattle straight up.
What I would have picked: Bucs minus-13.5 over Raiders
Last week: Patriots (-7.5) 47, Cardinals 7 (One and done for Desert Beakmen next week)

(9 points) HOUSTON minus-2.5 over CHICAGO
--> Bears got lucky last week to remain alive, but the Texans have been too tough the past few weeks to overcome. After an 0-5 start ATS, Houston has come alive and is 6-3 as of late. The Bears are a model of mediocrity -- 4-4 at home ATS, 3-3 on the road and 3-3 in their last six games. Boooring.
What I would have picked: Seahawks plus-5.5 over Cardinals
Last week: Bengals 14, Browns (-2.5) 0 (Were Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn THAT important?)

(8 points) SAN DIEGO minus-7.5 over DENVER
--> Not that the Chargers have been a solid pick this season, but the Broncos have been just plain awful, going 4-10 ATS. Don't jump out there and bet the rent, though, as Denver is 3-3 on the road. If they make the playoffs, their first game will be at home, where they are 1-7 ATS. All in all, this spread seems awful high, as the bookies have been in love with San Diego all season, and I can't figure out why.
What I would have picked: Jaguars plus-12.5 over Ravens
Last week: Seahawks 13, Jets (-4.5) 9 (Damn, didn't figure in the Holmgren Factor)

(7 points) DETROIT plus-9.5 over GREEN BAY
--> OK, the last half of these picks don't need a ton of explanation. With this one, here's what you need to know: Detroit is 5-1 ATS on the road, 1-7 at home. As my grandpa used to say, Nuff said.
What I would have picked: Eagles minus-1.5 over Cowboys
Last week: Colts (-6.5) 31, Jaguars 24 (Just squeaked this one by)

(6 points) PITTSBURGH minus-10.5 over CLEVELAND
--> The Brownies have been awful with Ken Dorsey under center. The Steelers have been on a roll, although they are just 2-4 ATS at home this season. After last week, they're a little ticked and will look to pile on the points.
What I would have picked: Dolphins plus-2.5 over Jets
Last week: Ravens (+3.5) 33, Cowboys 24 (Way to close out your historic stadium 'Boys)

(5 points) NEW ENGLAND minus-6.5 over BUFFALO
--> If any team knows how to play must-win games (which to me include playoff games), it's the Patsies. Even a win might not be good enough here, but there's no way Belicheat is ending the season with a whimper.
What I would have picked: Redskins plus-2.5 over 49ers
Last week: 49ers (-4.5) 17, Rams 16 (I hate lambs)

(4 points) MIAMI plus-2.5 over NY JETS
--> All year, the Dolphins have been a surprise. Well, I think it would be a mighty surprise if they finish what they started and win the AFC East here. Also, the Fins have been great ATS on the road, posting a 5-2 mark, while the Jets are a mediocre 3-4 at home.
What I would have picked: Patriots minus-6.5 over Bills
Last week: Dolphins (-3.5) 38, Chiefs 31

(3 points) KANSAS CITY plus-2.5 over CINCINNATI
--> Well the Bungles have started to play a little better? Whoop-de-frickin-do. It was against the Redskins and Browns, while the Chiefs have been respectable against just about everyone the last half the season. P.S. KC is 4-2 ATS on the road, which means they always get a couple of extra points. They'll win this one straight up.
What I would have picked: Rams plus-14.5 over Falcons
Last week: Redskins (+5.5) 10, Eagles 3 (Knew it would be tough for Philly to sustain)

(2 points) OAKLAND plus-13.5 over TAMPA BAY
--> The Raiders, for some reason, have played better on the road. Problem is, you never know what you're gonna get. If they have any intensity on defense, it should be enough to keep this one inside the spread. That's a big if.
What I would have picked: Texans minus-2.5 over Bears
Last week: Falcons 24, Vikings (-3.5) 17 (Not even close on this one)

(1 point) PHILADELPHIA minus-1.5 over DALLAS
--> In all likelihood, if the Eagles win, both teams are out of the playoffs. That would be cool.
What I would have picked: Steelers minus-10.5 over Browns
Last week: Bills (+6.5) 30, Broncos 23 (What else do you expect from mediocre AFC West?)

HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 16: 9-7, 70 points
OVERALL AGAINST DA SPREAD: 104-120 (.464), 919 points (61 per week)

TP Sports Pool Standings: JLE 1167, MLC 1009, LR 1008, WWB (won week, 80) 999, Lopes 962, PVW 942, JRap 938, Gene Pool 929, Me 919, KVP 902, DJW 876

It's da most wonderful time ...

2008-12-24T15:41:00.002-06:00

So this is Christmas. Yes, Christmas my dear.

The holiday season is different for everyone. Some are excited and hate when Christmas Day is over. Some get a little blue and can't wait for it to be over to start feeling like themselves again. Then there are Scrooges and your everyday haters, who just hate it because other people love it.

All kinds of Christmas peeps, I tell ya. For me, Christmas is a time of reflection and a time to make others happy.

I used to love getting gifts. I always bought great presents and expected great ones in return. Didn't need to be expensive, but rather I expected people who knew me well to get me things they knew I would like. I used to use Christmas as a gauge to see how well my friends and family knew me -- or cared, even.

I don't care all that much anymore, and I know that's one thing about getting older. I don't buy for nearly as many people as I used to. I'd rather spend the bulk of my Christmas cash on Metry Mama, The Boy and my nieces and nephews. Much more fun.

But what I love to do even more is to think back to Christmases past. In fact, if I ever became a real-life part of A Christmas Carol, I know I'd be cast as Ghost of Christmas Past.

Just this morning while watching the weather, the guy told me that we had a good chance to break the record high temperature of 81 at Audubon Park set in 1984. Immediately, I thought back 24 years ago, and remembered swimming in the Coglaiti pool on Christmas Eve. Of course, it didn't last long because the water was like 68 degrees or something (which might as well be 32 degrees). But that day sticks out in my mind.

Since my Mom passed away in 2006, I always think about her a lot around the holidays. Just before she left us three years ago, she got real sick just before Christmas. In fact, it was very odd. We got the call that she had a short time (days) to live while I was in Massachusetts spending the holidays with my two sisters at the same time for the first time in 10 years. It was also just days after the Mama and I had started dating and just a few months after K came.

It was a strange and active, almost tumultuous time.

I remember often how my Mom loved Christmas. Absolutely loved it. One year in particular, I wanna say 1986, her and my Dad had been split for good for a couple of years, and she was probably the best mentally I had ever known her. It was that year and the next couple that we got along best. This particular Christmas had her feeling great because, for a change, she had money to buy presents for everyone. And when she was feeling her best, that's what she loved to do -- give to others.

I remember that she bought me tons of clothes. And my Mom had good taste, even as I was 18 or 19, she knew what sort of stuff I'd like. As most of you know, it's not easy buying clothes for a teenager. It didn't matter, though, as the family was happy and together.

I think back to, I believe, 1991. It was my Nanny's last Christmas. It was also one of the last Christmases I remember with most of my family on my Mom's side intact and together and, well, all there. My grandparents, both of whom either had dementia or Alzheimer's, were still feeling well enough to have company. My sisters and I were at my Mom's, who lived directly across the street from 126 North Alexander, the house in which I spent so much of my first 18 years.

I don't think I laughed as hard -- EVER -- as when PaPa received his gift from Nanny. It was a cement birdbath. My PaPa loved birds. He knew every bird there was that flew around southern Louisiana. It was a logical gift. For some reason, though, he didn't appreciate it. He wanted us to "get that damned thing out of here." Oh, it was one of those had-to-be-there moments, but for the eight or so people who were there, it was absolutely hysterical. It was PaPa in one of his last PaPa moments. Of course, my Nanny didn't appreciate that he didn't appreciate his gift. That wasn't so funny. But it did help to make the moment even more memorable.

There was the Christmas about five years ago I spent with my Dad and stepmom and her family. It's the last time I was with my Dad on Christmas Day. I miss those times greatly. I miss my family. I love my new family greatly, but I wish more than anything we could all be together.

Who knows? Maybe one of us will hit the lottery and be able to fly everyone here one Christmas. Maybe not.

This brings me to the present. The Mama told me last night that she was feeling blue this year. I know it has a lot to do with her job, and I totally understand. But I refuse to be down. I think back to the good times and realize that there are plenty of good times ahead. Twenty years from now, I might be blogging about that great Christmas of 2008 or 2014 or 2020.

I am so thankful for what I have. Which is why I don't worry about presents anymore. I have all that I need. Maybe not all that I want, but all that I need is much more important.

I hope you all feel the same way. But whatever the circumstances, I wish you all the happiest of holiday seasons. And if you have your Mamma, give her a hug and tell her hello for me.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Week 16 NFL picks

2008-12-19T16:50:00.003-06:00

Depending on how you look at it, I did everyone a favor by not blogging my picks last week during my vacation. It was real bad news for you if you use my picks as a guide to take the opposite. I apologize if that's how you use this -- in that case -- very valuable tool.

We have officially given up on finishing the season .500, but there's no quit in the lovable loser. Nope, in the snow last week, we saw a vision of Mr. Frost, and he told me to stop using his name on my blog. Something about copyright infringements. So we were on our own last week. In the spirit of Marley and Ebenezer, we will invoke the ghosts of Christmas past and tell the old dead bastard to, er, live with it. We were well over .500 with him, and we're gonna try the poetry thing one more time in hopes of a 12-4 bonanza.

Here we go ...

(16 points) NEW ORLEANS minus-6.5 at DETROIT
In the spirit of Christmas,
everyone deserves a win
But if the Saints lose this one
we'll consider it a Cardinal sin
Last week: Jaguars 20, Packers (-1.5) 16 (Just the beginning of the misery)

(15 points) TAMPA BAY minus-3.5 vs. SAN DIEGO
If you have paid attention,
then you know
The NFC South wins at home
rain, sleet and, yes, even snow
Last week: Bears 27, Saints (+2.5) 24, OT (I rode that horse til it was dead. It's dead. OK, one more week.)

(14 points) CHICAGO minus-3.5 vs. GREEN BAY
The Monsters of the Midway
still have a shot,
While the Pack without Favre
sits in a stink-filled, garbage-laden rot
Last week: Falcons (-2.5) 13, Bucs 10 (NFC South at home, babbee)

(13 points) HOUSTON minus-6.5 at OAKLAND
The Texans' defense has played
mighty stout as of late,
And that's more than enough
to stop JaMarcus and his mates
Last week: Steelers 13, Ravens (-1.5) 9 (Baltimore as a favorite? What was I thinking?)

(12 points) NY GIANTS minus-2.5 vs. CAROLINA
When it comes to December
the cream rises to the top,
And in my opinion,
the Panthers are about to flop
Last week: Chargers 22, Chiefs (+5.5) 21 (KC has been a decent dog all season)

(11 points) TENNESSEE plus-1.5 vs. PITTSBURGH
Every week there's a spread
that just doesn't make sense;
So here, boys and girls,
is your chance to make the rent
Last week: Jets (-6.5) 31, Bills 27 (Noooowwww they use Mojo Lynch)

(10 points) NEW ENGLAND minus-7.5 vs. ARIZONA
I like the Pats even if
this one smells a little funny
But so did my breakfast,
that'd be eggs -- sunny and runny
Last week: Eagles 30, Browns (+13.5) 10 (OK, so I was desperate)

(9 points) CLEVELAND minus-2.5 vs. CINCINNATI
I know the Browns stink,
but so does Cincy;
It's Christmas time,
remember not to be chintzy
Last week: Colts (-17.5) 31, Lions 21 (I have been awwwwful with double-digit-spread games)

(8 points) NY JETS minus-4.5 at SEATTLE
It's almost the postseason,
and I'm rootin for the Jets
Let's just hope they
do better than the stinkin Mets
Last week: Seahawks 23, Rams (+2.5) 20 (What the F happened at the end of this one?

(7 points) INDIANAPOLIS minus-6.5 at JACKSONVILLE (Thurs.)
The Colts came out
and gave me an early present;
The rest of my picks
should float as well as cement
Last week: Dolphins (-6.5) 14, 49ers 9 (Wow, Miami's offense has become stagnant)

(6 points) BALTIMORE plus-3.5 at DALLAS
The Ravens play much better
when they're the dog
Can you imagine how good their defense would be
if they played in pea-soup type of fog
Last week: Vikings (+2.5) 35, Cardinals 14 (Picking against Arizona has been pretty easy lately)

(5 points) SAN FRANCISCO minus-4.5 at ST. LOUIS
Don't care the game,
there's no more pickin the Lambs
Of course there's only one week left
and that just makes me wanna say, "Damn!"
Last week: Texans (+3.5) 13, Titans 12 (Told ya bout dat Texans' D)

(4 points) MIAMI minus-3.5 at KANSAS CITY
Logic screams out that
the Chiefs will cover,
But I'm sorta slow
Kinda like a turtle (huh?)
Last week: Cowboys 20, Giants (+2.5) 8 (G-Men needed a wakeup call)

(3 points) WASHINGTON plus-5.5 vs. PHILADELPHIA
Cuz of last week's fiasco,
I'll hate dem Skins til the day I die;
Incidentally that's sorta the way
I feel about Rhubarb Pie
Last week: Bengals 20, Redskins (-6.5) 13 (M*%th*rf#%*er)

(2 points) MINNESOTA minus-3.5 vs. ATLANTA
The Birds aren't as good
when they leave their nest,
even if they are like mosquitoes:
such an effing pest
Last week: Panthers 30, Broncos (+7.5) 10 (Denver is one hard team to read)

(1 point) BUFFALO plus-6.5 at DENVER
The Bills are a team who
is used to the cold air;
Merry Christmas to all,
even if your name is Clare
Last week: Patriots 49, Raiders (+7.5) 26 (Not gonna mention again that I should've taken the Patsies. Oooops.)

HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 15: 4-12, 37 points
HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 14: 9-7, 80 points
OVERALL AGAINST DA SPREAD: 95-113 (.457), 849 points (61 per week)

TP Sports Desk Pool: JLE 1101, MLC 966, LR 949, Lopes 919, WWB 919, PVW 887, Gene Pool 885, JRap (won week, 91) 881, DJW 858, Me 849, KVP 832

Livin up to a name

2008-12-17T16:46:00.005-06:00

It was just the most God-awful weekend of football last weekend. Maybe I was being punished for not writing during my vacation. Maybe it was give-take after the glorious "snowstorm" last Thursday. Maybe it was justice from all of the time I take from the Mama on my Sundays off spending seven hours in front of the tube (Is it a tube anymore? ... I don't know).

It began Thursday with da Boys losing. It wasn't so much that they lost, rather how (again). They come back from the dead and blow it. Why can't they be like the rest of the mediocre world and just lose? Don't comeback and give false hope. I am so sick of mediocre, I could scream. No, really. I hate mediocre. Average might as well be f***ing bottom of the barrel. There really is no difference, you know. If you lose half the time or all the time, you end up in the same place. Moving on.

The weekend got worse. On Friday, I felt like someone had tried to poison me. ... Hmmmmm. I spent the day in bed sick as a dog. (Are dogs really sick? All the time? Maybe the phrase should be "sick as a sick dog." But then why a dog? Why not a rhinoceros? Or an egret? Or even a pot-bellied pig? The questions of life.) I got up long enough to go have birthday dinner for my mother-in-law, but it was right back in bed. BTW, it was the first time I fell asleep before midnight (and stayed in bed til morning) all year, I believe.

Saturday was a little better, as the Boy's Cleary Sonics defeated the Girard Hornets in the opening game of the 10-year-old Big Dance. They lost in the second round to the Girard Tar Heels, but hey, the Boy is doing much better than I thought he would. He's made a few 3-pointers and is playing excellent defense.

Later, I saw my alma mater lose in the Louisiana High School Class 4A State Championship game. Didn't hurt my feelings all that much, as a close friend coaches for the team they lost to. Just getting that far for a third straight season is some accomplishment. Much better than mediocre, I might add.

The Mama and me finished the night off with dinner at one of my favorite restaurants -- Gimchi -- and a nightcap or two with Scotty at Sidelines. (Vacation makes me realize how much I really, really miss having Saturdays off.)

Now Sunday just plain sucked. Not to bore the non-football watcher with the details, but it comes down to this. The Mama and I have had an entry in what's called a knockout pool for the past 14 weeks. How it works is you put up 25 bucks to enter. Every week, you pick a team to win. If they win, you move on. If they lose, you're out. You cannot pick the same team twice. Last entry standing wins the pot. (Generally, when it gets down to like five, they agree to split the pot.) There were 13 entries left out of 304. We could taste the money.

You know where this is headed, I'm sure ...

So, as soon as we won the previous week, I knew who we were taking. We hadn't chosen New England yet, and they were playing the lowly Raiders. Even though I was on vacation, I drove to The T-P to keep my routine of talking to MLC, The Gene Pool and the rest of my cohorts to discuss my selection. Problem was, no one was up there when I came up. Bad Omen, I knew it. I started to doubt my selection, and then the call came. It was the Blowhole. He told me that the father of the Patriots quarterback had passed away, and the QB was leaving the team for an unspecified amount of time. Would he play? If he did, would he be effective? Could the lowly Raiders actually pull the upset. "Their defense is pretty decent," I told myself and the Blowhole.

You guessed it. I decided against the Pats. The first time ALL season I wasn't going with my original gut feeling. So we both went with the Washington Redskins, who were traveling to Cincinnati to play the 1-11-1 Bengals. Quite possibly the second-dumbest move I have ever made in my adult life. (The first has something to do with an X, a why and a pfffff.)

Sick. I mean sick. I apologized profusely to the Mama, and she was nothing but consoling. I felt better, but then I began to think it was as if I was doing the picking and she expected me to get it wrong at some point. Like there was no way I could pull off a piece of 7,200 bucks. There are such low expectations of the mediocre, I thought.

Then, the last piece of my football season remained alive. The part I cared least about all season suddenly became my No. 1 priority. It was my participation in a second fantasy football league. One I did just for kicks. And it started out great. I took a 50-point lead almost by halftime of the noon games. I still had my No. 1 player, Anquan Boldin, who was averaging about 15 points per week. I still had the second half. It didn't matter that she had (yes she) three players and a defense left.

You know where this is headed, I'm sure ...

Yep, Monday night killed me. I lost to a girl. The weekend of complete and utter failure was finalized. the lovable loser lived up to his nickname, as it was truly a loser weekend.

On Tuesday, we had the joy and pleasure of coming back to work.

And for the first time since Labor Day, we don't have anything to root for this weekend. The Saints play the winless Lions, and I could really care less. Fantasy football is over, as BMF faces the Plunderin Poons in Finks Bowl XV. Normally, I would root for my own conference to win, which would mean the Poons, but this year I truly don't give a damn.

So I come back to the premise that made me write all this. Is it really better to be mediocre than to be a loser. I have had a ton of both, so I should know by now. The truth is they both suck. Neither is worse than the other. Neither is better.

After this long-winded babble, what have we learned? I think it's that Al Davis was right.

Just win, baby.

Week 14 NFL picks

2008-12-04T16:23:00.002-06:00

Well, we're on a roll boys and girls. The ghost of Mr. Frost is shining down on me as the weather turns a little more, er, Frosty. Two straight winning weeks and three out of four. Can we continue the trend upward toward the middle of the pack in the TP Pool?

Hang on for all the exciting developments. OK, well maybe not exciting, but interesting, maybe? OK, not even interesting, but I'm striving toward personal happiness.

Before I start with the picks, I would like to give my condolences to the family of the Pook's Flukes. Pappa Pook passed away last weekend, and the lovable loser just wants the Flukes to know we're thinkin about ya.

On with the picks ...

(16 points) CAROLINA minus-2.5 over TAMPA BAY
--> Part of our resurgence stems from doing well with the top pick. As of late, we've tried to find games that no one else liked, and that seemed to work. No such pick this week, as to me, this is as close to a sure thing as you can get. NFC South teams have been unbelievably great at home. Despite a 9-3 overall record, the Bucs have been tepid, at best, on the road. We're going to stick with trends and tll thinks the Panthers are ready to avenge a rout at The Pirate Ship a few weeks ago.
Last week: Texans (-2.5) 30, Jaguars 17 (We luvvvv Monday night)

(15 points) NEW ORLEANS minus-2.5 over ATLANTA
--> Expecting a mixed bag of picks on this one, and we're gonna continue with the home team for the fourth straight week. Since we love trends, we'll stick with the same one from our 16-point bonanza. Even the Saints do well at home, and I still believe the NFC South won't have a losing team. If that is to happen, the boys in black and gold pretty much must take this one.
Last week: 49ers 10, Bills (-6.5) 3 (Buffalo has become real bad real quick)

(14 points) CLEVELAND plus-13.5 over TENNESSEE
--> I haven't done all too well taking double-digit underdogs this year, but I like three of them this week. The Titans had their feast at Detroit last week for Thanksgiving, and who wouldn't take the Brownies lightly? They're down to their third-string quarterback, Jamal Lewis is about as fast as me, and Braylon Edwards looks like he goes on the field after eating a tub of buttered popcorn. But their defense has been stout, and the Lake Erie Warriors should keep it close.
Last week: Falcons 22, Chargers (-5.5) 16 (So much for the bookies)

(13 points) CINCINNATI plus-13.5 over INDIANAPOLIS
--> OK, this one makes no sense. That's why I like it. Remember last week's explanation about me making no sense so that's why I understand things that don't make any sense? If you understand that, you'll get that just because this is completely senseless, it makes perfect sense.
Last week: Chiefs (+2.5) 20, Raiders 13 (No way JaMarcus could pull two straight wins out of his bag)

(12 points) GREEN BAY minus-5.5 over HOUSTON
--> Goes back to what we said last week. The Texans are pretty solid at home, not so solid on the road. And one thing we know for sure is water will be solid at Lambeau this weekend, as we get just two weeks away from the official start of winter. The Pack is pissed, and I look for a good, underachieving team to take control early in this one.
Last week: Vikings (-2.5) 34, Bears 14 (Starting to love division home teams; I need to look up that stat)

(11 points) SEATTLE plus-4.5 over NEW ENGLAND
--> Speaking of not making sense. I'd like to go back to my rule of teams who have to go cross-country not usually playing very well, especially after a tough game (Belicheats routed by Pittsburgh last week). The Patriots are in a must-win, but the Seahawks have played better at home with Hasselbeck back in the fold. We'll buck the trend, and we figure we're the only one with this one.
Last week: Broncos (+7.5) 34, Jets 17 (Spread just didn't make sense to me)

(10 points) SAN FRANCISCO plus-3.5 over NY JETS
--> Another spread that makes no sense to me. Why aren't the Niners getting a touchdown here? So when the bookies are trying to get people to jump one way, I like to jump the other. And more times than not, that's the right way to go.
Last week: Colts 10, Browns (+4.5) 6 (See above and bookies and jumping)

(9 points) MIAMI plus-1.5 over BUFFALO
--> The Bills have been horrible lately, and even horribler against division teams, home or away. The Dolphins have rightfully been mentioned among serious playoff contenders. If they are to continue to be in that conversation, they HAVE to win this week. And they will.
Last week: Titans 47, Lions (+10.5) 10 (Gobble, gobble. What a turkey.)

(8 points) OAKLAND plus-9.5 over SAN DIEGO (Thurs.)
--> This is more a case of a 4-8 team giving a 3-9 team almost 10 points. Shouldn't happen. We all know the Chargers have been underachievers, but that doesn't justify this spread. Also, the Raiders seem to do well just about every other week against the spread. This is the other week, and we like the black and silver.
Last week: Ravens 34, Bengals (+7.5) 3 (The real Bungles showed up)

(7 points) CHICAGO minus-3.5 over JACKSONVILLE
--> I don't think the Bears are very good, but I have lost all confidence in the Jags. They seem to be falling apart, and couldn't move very well against the Texans. The Bears should have enough to stop the Jax running game. Oh, and if Chicago loses, they're toast. If Jacksonville loses, who cares?
Last week: Panthers 35, Packers (-2.5) 31 (Choking bastards)

(6 points) DETROIT plus-9.5 over MINNESOTA
--> Going back to division home teams, especially ones as big home dogs. You heard it here first: Don't be surprised if this is the week the laughable Lions get their first W, although I tend to believe it's going to come in Week 16 against you-know-who.
Last week: Steelers (E) 33, Patriots 10 (I probably would have taken New England if you gave me 22)

(5 points) NY GIANTS minus-7.5 over PHILADELPHIA
--> So the Eagles had a good week to fool everyone into thinking they're going to get back in the wild-card hunt. The G-Men, meanwhile, are coming off a week of inner turmoil, and will take out their frustrations on an opponent which has had quite a bit of turmoil of their own.
Last week: Dolphins (-7.5) 16, Rams 12 (Noowww the Geniuses play defense)

(4 points) PITTSBURGH minus-2.5 over DALLAS
--> The Cowboys have been wonderful since Romo has comeback, but it's been against mediocre (at best) teams. The Steelers have had -- by far -- the toughest schedule in football. Big Ben seems to be at his best at home in bad weather. Forecast: Snow flurries and temps in the upper-20s. Advantage Pittsburgh.
Last week: Giants (-3.5) 23, Redskins 7 (Stayin on the G-Men bandwagon the rest of the season)

(3 points) WASHINGTON plus-5.5 over BALTIMORE
--> The Ravens have been playing over their heads, of course, they've also been playing some pretty bad teams. The Skinsies, meanwhile, haven't had a solid game in about six weeks. I think this ends up a battle of field goals, and while I like Stover over Suisham, a 16-13 Baltimore win means pick the DC boys.
Last week: Bucs 23, Saints (+3.5) 20 (Should left em higher)

(2 points) KANSAS CITY plus-8.5 over DENVER
--> The Chiefs have been a pretty solid dog this year, while Denver is all over the place. One week good, one week pathetic, one week great, then they suck again. Well, they were excellent last week, which means Let-Down City.
Last week: Cowboys 34, Seahawks (+12.5) 9 (I hope they all choked on their turkey)

(1 point) ST. LOUIS plus-13.5 over ARIZONA
--> Sorry, I just can't let the Cardinals give anyone two touchdowns. The problem with the Rams is it's either real, real close or it's a blowout. I'm thinkin take the under and the Geniuses. Besides, I think the Beakmen my drag out clinching the NFC West for another week.
Last week: Eagles (-2.5) 48, Cardinals 20

HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 13: 9-7, 76 points
OVERALL AGAINST DA SPREAD: 82-94 (.466), 732 points (61 per week)

TP Sports Pool standings: JLE 964, MLC 816, LR 806, Lopes 785, Gene Pool 759, WWB 749, Me 732, JRap 731, DJW 725, PVW 717, KVP (won week, 85) 712

Giving thanks

2008-11-27T17:56:00.005-06:00

Today is not only the day we eat until we're ready to pass out, all the while leaving the mess for someone else to clean up. No, it's called Thanksgiving for a reason. If there's one thing I don't do enough of, it's to give thanks.

I'll do my best to make up a little bit, because I do have plenty to be thankful for.

--> I am thankful for Metry Mama. In fact, I am not sure how I would make it without her. She has been the best thing to happen to me -- by far -- and she is the most selfless person I have ever met. I am not just thankful for her because she cooks, cleans and does all the things I hate doing without complaining, but I am most thankful because she is my best friend. And honestly, when looking for the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, who could ask for more than that? And it's also cool that I have one of the best stepsons on the planet. I am soooo thankful for that.

--> I am thankful to have been healthy my first 40 years. Thankful, and I guess I should be sort of surprised. You know I am reminded every day by people who don't smoke that I shouldn't smoke. Did you know that it's bad for you? Someone should have told that to my grandfather who smoked, drank wine every day, ate fried food every day and lived to be 92. I guess that's part of why he was (sort of still is) my idol. Oh, and he hated George Steinbrenner.

--> I am thankful to have many friends. I know a ton of people who don't, and I know they aren't as happy as I am. Hell, I'm even thankful for Tommy Crosby. I have been blessed throughout life to be surrounded by people I could count on. And I hope I have been there for them when they needed me most. Without my friends, there have been many times throughout life where I'd a been *&*# outta luck.

--> I am thankful to have had just about everything I ever wanted. So maybe I wasn't spoiled as a kid, but I have certainly spoiled myself as an adult. Can't think of many things I need -- or want -- that I don't have. Sure, I'd love to win the lottery this weekend and never have to work again, but it's not neccessary. I enjoy life to the fullest, and not to sound like those cliches that I hate so much, but I live every day like it's my last. It's the only way to go.

--> I am thankful to have a job. It would be tough to be thankful for the last item if I didn't have a job. Especially these days. People often throw around the term uncertain times, but I don't think there have been more uncertain times in my lifetime than now. After my first five years of employment where I jumped around from job to job (I think I had like nine different ones, including three at one time at one point), I have been at The TP for a little over 18 years. It's hard to fathom. Seriously. With all the stupid things I have said and done? Wow. And thank you.

--> I am thankful for all the little things in life. Date nights with Metry Mama, although we haven't had as many as we'd have liked lately. (We're gonna fix that soon, Mama.) Football Day with Big Buffet. Poker night. The Finks Football League. The Cubbies and Saints. Being 18 again with Mike P, even if it is mostly over the phone these days. Watchin baseball with Drew and Billy and our convos about whatever -- again, not as often as I'd like anymore. Havin a drink with Scotty on Saturday nights after work and listening to Joe play all those songs no one else but me likes. My family, especially my two nephews and two nieces. And too many more to mention. But without 'em, I might lose my sanity.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Week 13 NFL picks

2008-11-26T18:26:00.004-06:00

A little Turkey Day surprise all two of you have been waiting for. It's the early edition!

So we got a huge boost from the ghost of Robert Frost. Now, 9-7 isn't exactly lighting it up, but after the past five or six weeks of, um, picks, we'll take it. We even beat JLE this week! And although we liked the strategy, we're gonna skip trying to do the poem thing again. (Of course, we'll go right back to it if we suck again.)

Don't eat too much ... Here we go ...

(16 points) HOUSTON minus-2.5 over JACKSONVILLE
--> So what if we chickened out and stopped the two-week streak of taking the Saints up here? Obviously, TLL is not afraid to lose a pick or two. And besides, we're going to start a new streak of Monday night picks. As far as this one, I give up on the Jags. The Texans aren't world-beaters by any means, but Garrard has been awful, and three of Houston's four wins have come at home. In their previous meeting, the Texans lost by three at Jacksonville.
Last week: Saints (-2.5) 51, Packers 29 (Cha-ching)

(15 points) BUFFALO minus-6.5 over SAN FRANCISCO
--> Other than a white-washing of the Rams two weeks ago, the Niners have been awful since early in the season. Mike Singletary hasn't been the answer, although I think that's more because of Cheesetits Martz. For the Bills, if they have any shot remaining at the playoffs, they HAVE to win this one. They'll do it convincingly.
Last week: Bills (-3.5) 54, Chiefs 31 (His number is 23, Jauron. Give it to him. He wants it. Yes. Now.)

(14 points) SAN DIEGO minus-5.5 over ATLANTA
--> Oh everybody is just so ga-ga over the Falcons. Blah blah blah. So what if Matt Ryan is by far the best rookie QB of the season and should be around for a long, long time? So what if Michael Turner scored four touchdowns last week (*#&@**^#&&@ FILTH, FLARN FILTH)? So what if their defense made Carolina look like Tulane? In one of those why-is-this-spread-so-ridiculous games, the bookies know something, and I smell a rat.
Last week: Falcons 45, Panthers (E) 28 (Just plain ewwwww)

(13 points) KANSAS CITY plus-2.5 over OAKLAND
--> Everybody's off the Chiefs bandwagon and on the Raiders. It's funny how these terrible teams do well against the spread about every other week. It's not a coincidence, but it's funny. You know, not ha-ha funny, but like your cousin from Missouri funny. Weird. That's it. Weird, I meant. OK, maybe I'm a little funny. (We know, not ha ha.)
Last week: Patriots (+2.5) 48, Dolphins 28 (Told ya not to fall for the Fins givin-points-to-a-good-team thing)

(12 points) MINNESOTA minus-2.5 over CHICAGO
--> The Bears are 2-4 against teams who now have a winning record and have won just one of those on the road -- at Indy in Week 1. The Vikes haven't lost at home since Week 2 to, coincidentally, Indy. This one's for control in the NFC North, and until the Bears prove their offense isn't worthless against someone other than the Rams, I'm picking against them.
Last week: Vikings (-2.5) 30, Jaguars 12 (I sure do put the same teams in the same slot often, don't I?)

(11 points) DENVER plus-7.5 over NY JETS
--> My second "because the bookie's makin too much money on this one" pick of the week. Hey, if there's one thing I did right last week was picking the ones that didn't make any sense. My wife often tells me I don't make any sense, so it makes sense how I recognize the ones that don't make sense.
Last week: Texans (-3.5) 16, Browns 6 (That Brady Quinn deal lasted a long time, huh?)

(10 points) CLEVELAND plus-4.5 over INDIANAPOLIS
--> Man, the bookies are going to either rack up this week or take it straight up the bunghole. And seriously, how often do bookies take it in the bunghole? I mean some of them go to jail, and ... never mind. Just take the Brownies cuz everybody else isn't.
Last week: Bucs 38, Lions (+8.5) 20 (Even with a straight-up 17-point lead, never think the Lions "have this one in the bag")

(9 points) DETROIT plus-10.5 over TENNESSEE
--> Had this one higher, but then I started thinking about how pissed Tennessee will be, and I backed off slightly. Still, the Lions have been playing better, and I am convinced they aren't going 0-16. I don't think they'll win outright here, but the Thanksgiving audience won't be as bored as one might think.
Last week: Jets 34, Titans (-5.5) 13 (I did it again. I need to pay attention to this trend.)

(8 points) CINCINNATI plus-7.5 over BALTIMORE
--> Another division home team getting points. Sure seems like there have been an awful lot of them this year, huh? Ocho Cinco and daddy Marvin seem to be back on the same page, and if you take away Ed Reed, the Ravens still can't score. This might end up being the most boring game of the season. And if the weather's bad, don't be surprised with a 3-0 ending.
Last week: Ravens 36, Eagles (E) 7 (And again ... wow. Next week I am moving teams all over the place.)

(7 points) GREEN BAY minus-2.5 over CAROLINA
--> Prepare for the Exposing of the Panthers to continue against a mediocre team that plays very well at home. (Sound familiar?) All three of Carolina's losses have come on the road, and by a combined 92-41. And much like the Saints last week, the Pack has only been home once in the past five weeks. Lambeau will be rockin.
Last week: Steelers (-10.5) 27, Bengals 10 (Broke the Thursday losing streak)

(6 points) PITTSBURGH even over NEW ENGLAND
--> The Steelers' schedule has been brutal, and they remain in good shape. Despite the fact that Willie Parker looks out again, they often play just as well without him. New England, meanwhile, has alternated win-loss for five straight weeks, and only one of their wins comes against teams who now have more than six victories. The weather could be nasty Sunday, and that certainly favors Pittsburgh.
Last week: Cowboys (-10.5) 35, 49ers 22 (Had this one higher but got scurred)

(5 points) MIAMI minus-7.5 over ST. LOUIS
--> Guess the Real Men had their two weeks of fun. The Dolphins, who seem to be just about everybody's Cinderella for the playoffs, need a convincing win after last week's shellacking. The thing is if you allow 27 to the Bears, you'll probably give up 40 to the Wildcat Dolphins.
Last week: Colts 23, Chargers (-2.5) 20 (Nice comeback for naught)

(4 points) NY GIANTS minus-3.5 over WASHINGTON
--> See, if I was going with my too-good-to-be-true-and-the-bookies-definitely-know-something rule, I would certainly go the other way. But I have watch too many games these two have played the past few weeks, and I don't see any other outcome but a Redskins defeat. A big defeat. And you can see you confident I am about it.
Last week: Redskins 20, Seahawks (-3.5) 17 (Gotta love that halfa point)

(3 points) NEW ORLEANS plus-4.5 over TAMPA BAY
--> Here is my official tribute to the New Orleans Saints. Do I think they'll win? No. Do I think they'll cover? Probably not. Do I think they got me 16 points each of the past two weeks and I had an awesome time last Monday and I said I can't stop picking them until they lose and I'm gonna stick by that? Absolutely. Go Black and Gold.
Last week: Raiders (+9.5) 31, Broncos 10 (Sometimes you just don't ask questions)

(2 points) SEATTLE plus-12.5 over DALLAS
--> Hmm, let me think if I can come up with a rational explanation for this gut-feeling pick. I got it. The Seabags only lost by three points last week to a Redskins team that beat the Cowboys straight up in Texas Stadium. How's that? That's the best I can do, jackass.
Last week: Giants 37, Cardinals (+3.5) 29 (G-Men again make me look bad ... You know, kinda like poker makes Jennifer Tilly look bad?)

(1 point) PHILADELPHIA minus-2.5 ARIZONA
--> There is no way in hell anyone can make me believe the Eagles, especially Donovan McNabb, are this bad. That is no way in hell unless the Cardinals prove me wrong. Then, I never pick these scumbags again. (Unless they play the Jaguars. Nope, they don't play. OK, maybe the Chiefs. OK, good, don't play them either.)
Last week: Bears 27, Rams (+7.5) 3 (I think I learned my lesson now)

HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 12: 9-7, 87 points
OVERALL AGAINST DA SPREAD: 73-87 (.456), 656 points (60 points per week)

TP Sports Pool standings: JLE 889, MLC 751, LR 736, Lopes 720, Gene Pool 699, WWB (won week, 94) 694, JRap 688, PVW 657, Me 656, DJW 652, KVP 627

Week 12 NFL picks

2008-11-21T16:44:00.007-06:00

Desperate times call for desperate new ways to make my picks. So, in honor of Robert Frost's 135th birthday in March, we're going to take the Road Less Traveled this week. That's right, for all except maybe four or five games, I tried to pick the opposite of what I thought would be the mainstream. Also in honor of Mr. Frost, I will attempt a poem for each pick. Cut, paste and show it to the kiddies. If it doesn't work, I think we'll try Dice Clay's poems next week. P.S. Forgive me if I don't punctuate correctly. I failed poetry class.

Here we go ...

(16 points) NEW ORLEANS minus-2.5 over GREEN BAY
The Saints were the way to go last week
So we'll ride that train til they're dead
If they get blown out like most expect
I'll lose my last little bit of cred
Last week: Saints (-5.5) 30, Chiefs 20 (Every-other-week strategy worked this time)

(15 points) BUFFALO minus-3.5 over KANSAS CITY
Coach Jauron sometimes forgets
He's got number 23 in the backfield
Don't worry Marshawn Lynch fans
Because he knows the real deal
Last week: Jets 34, Patriots (-2.5) 31 (Like I said last week, I hate NFL overtime rules)

(14 points) CAROLINA even over ATLANTA
The Dirty Birds do well at home
But we all know they're a fluke
And if I lose another 14-point game
It will just make me want to puke
Last week: Giants 30, Ravens (+6.5) 10 (The Raven? Wrong poet)

(13 points) NEW ENGLAND plus-2.5 over MIAMI
Last time I picked the Pats
To roll right over them Fins
Made me want to take my picks
And throw them right into the trash bin
Last week: Cardinals 26, Seahawks (+2.5) 20 (So much for them road-division favs)

(12 points) MINNESOTA plus-2.5 over JACKSONVILLE
I never know what to think
When I watch the disappointing Jags
They stink, they're good, they stink, they're good
As inconsistent as a bunch of used-up rags
Last week: Bucs (-3.5) 19, Vikings 13 (T.B. at home is like free money)

(11 points) HOUSTON plus-3.5 over CLEVELAND
Here's one of those picks
Where everybody likes the other club
Everybody, that is, except me and D
And I guess that means this one is sure to flub
Last week: Panthers (-13.5) 31, Lions 22 (I don't get it)

(10 points) DETROIT +7.5 over TAMPA BAY
The Lions are ready to feast on turkey
Come to think of it, so am I
Oh yeah, and don't forget the stuffing,
the potato salad and definitely the pumpkin pie
Last week: Eagles (-9.5) 13, Bengals 13 (Maybe the worst game in the history of the NFL. Yes, ever)

(9 points) TENNESSEE minus-5.5 over NY JETS
I would have bet a pretty penny
To bet Fisher's boys wouldn't be 10-0
But then again, I have no idea what a pretty penny is
So I don't have to think about it no mo (Groans from the crowd, I know)
Last week: Broncos 24, Falcons (-5.5) 20 (Can anyone figure out Denver?)

(8 points) PHILADELPHIA even over BALTIMORE
Both teams use an intimidating bird
To represent the face of their franchise
But Uncle Sam's choice is very well-known
And to cross him just wouldn't be wise
Last week: Steelers (-3.5) 11, Chargers 10 (Another blown call cost me a win)

(7 points) PITTSBURGH minus-10.5 over CINCINNATI (Thurs.)
It only took me three weeks
But I finally got a Thursday game right
Sorry to screw up my losing streak, y'all
It was simply a minor oversight
Last week: Cowboys (-1.5) 14, Redskins 10 (The Boys are back?)

(6 points) DALLAS minus-10.5 over SAN FRANCISCO
All must be right in the world
Between Tony and Jessica again
Here's hoping he throws four TD passes
Hell, wait, go ahead and make it ten
Last week: Colts (-7.5) 33, Texans 27 (Doesn't Dungy know how to put his foot on the opposition's throat?)

(5 points) SAN DIEGO minus-2.5 over INDIANAPOLIS
Everyone on the planet
Is picking Peyton and the boys
But I'm riding on LT's shoulders
To help me make a little noise
Last week: 49ers 35, Rams (+5.5) 16 (Back to life, back to reality)

(4 points) SEATTLE plus-3.5 over WASHINGTON
Last week we picked the Seabags
And we're givin 'em one more shot
If they lose in this one
I hope they all die of crotch rot
Last week: Packers 37, Bears (+4.5) 3 (Yeah, this one was close)

(3 points) OAKLAND plus-9.5 over DENVER
We all know the Raiders are terrible
But it's hard to know just how bad
Instead of letting JaMarcus throw the ball
Why don't they give it to some other lad
Last week: Browns (+5.5) 29, Bills 27 (And it was a great game to boot)

(2 points) ARIZONA plus-3.5 over NY GIANTS
I keep picking against the G-Men
And they keep making me look silly
But I try and try anyway
Kinda like poker and Jennifer Tilly
Last week: Titans (-2.5) 24, Jags 14 (Great, I got a bunch at the bottom right)

(1 point) ST. LOUIS plus-7.5 over CHICAGO
We come to the end of our little poetic journey
And we hoped you all got a little chuckle
How fitting we end with the Real Men of Genius
Because if you pick them, you usually want to hit yourself with a belt buckle
Last week: Dolphins 17, Raiders (+10.5) 15 (More bottom feeding)

HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 11: 6-10, 41 points
OVERALL AGAINST DA SPREAD: 64-80 (.444), 569 points (57 per week)

TP Sports Pool standings: JLE (won week, 97) 815, MLC 691, Lopes 676, LR 651, Gene Pool 626, JRap 604, WWB 600, PVW 593, DJW 592, Me 569, KVP 569

Random thoughts (very random)

2008-11-19T22:24:00.002-06:00

Metry Mama has almost given up on reading the lovable loser. She used to ask me every day when I was going to put something new up, but now ... nothin. I can't let her down. I have to give her something to read besides NFL picks (which she doesn't read anyway ... good thing lol).

So I decided to jot down a few mental notes that have popped into my head recently. I mean why the hell not? Isn't that what this little free corner of Al Gore's world is for?

RUFF, RUFF
Why the hell do people feel the need to bring their dogs with them when they go somewhere? Metry Mama and I went to lunch Monday and then to pick up The Boy, and in the span of about two hours, I saw at least seven dogs. And that's including the one who was sitting outside with his owner and his owner's two companions at Caffe Caffe for lunch.

What's worse than bringing your dog for a ride in the car? Bringing your f'ing dog to lunch. Get a friend. Buy a cell phone. Just don't be such a damned loser.

DON'T PISS OFF YOUR WIFE
I learned when I was like 18 that girls hold a grudge. And if they don't hold a grudge, they hold it in their memory bank. Me? I'm good with dates. I can tell you when I moved into the house I grew up on (April 6, 1978) and the day my dad left home (April 6, 1982) and my cousin Sylvia's birthday (February 14), even though I haven't seen her in like 10 years.

Women? They can tell you every bad thing you have ever done, and usually tell you when you did it within two weeks. Something like, "Remember when you were supposed to take the trash out and it was like 32 degrees outside and I had to do it and I caught a cold and then you forgot to stop at Walgreens to get me some cough syrup and then I had to go and got sicker and then ..." ENOUGH ALREADY.

Look women: We know we F up. We just need you to know a couple things: A) Nineteen times out of 20, we don't mean it. And B) We're probably going to do it again.

Do you have to hold it against us every Godforsaken time? We love you. You love us. Can't we all just get along?

(I will be sleeping with one eye open tonight.)

IS IT JUST ME?
I asked this of Metry Mama last night and she said it wasn't. I mean it isn't supposed to be this cold here this early? Usually, I don't stop wearing shorts on the weekends til a week or two after Thanksgiving. No can do this year, Skippy. Brrrrr. I looked at the forecast for the weekend, and the high Friday is like 58 and the low is 37. WHAT THE F??

So much for global warming? Reminds me of when it snowed on Christmas. Of course, a few months later we had a pretty big storm that forced me to leave the city for six weeks. What was her name again?

WAY TOO QUIET
Wanna see the proof that parity has struck the Finks Football League like no other season in our 20-year history? Just take a look at the smack talk. Or, rather, the lack of. Even Tommy hasn't said a word in like six weeks. I did a search, and there were only like three references to "Pizza Boy" all season. Speaking of him, I've only been asked to suck a roooooooooot like maybe five or six times. Definitely a record low. I've heard, "The Blowholes have spoken" less than 10 times. Ridiculous.

I don't even think the team with the best record -- the 9-2 Plunderin Poons -- have asked to merge all season! And from what I understand, the lights in the Pipher trailer park has stayed on all season long. In the East, Bunnnee Boy must have eaten too many carrots.

And to top it all off -- and this one really hurts my feelings -- I don't think ANYONE has accused me of cheating all year.

This has got to stop people. Where are all my old friends?

OK, I've been given the snap by our night editor du noir. So, I'll leave it at that. But I'll try to write more often. I promise, Mama.

Week 11 NFL picks

2008-11-14T16:56:00.004-06:00

Well, it was back to bottom-feeding last week. Way, way at the bottom. As in last place. How could it be so damned rank after the ungodly start. Let's don't ask questions; let's change our philosophy. This week, we're going to back off of feelings and be a little more analytical. Hell, it can't get any worse (although we started the week with a 15-point miss ... damned Belicheat).

If it works, we'll go explain the how later. If it doesn't, we'll forget we ever tried the new formula. We'll also try to forget this season and glad I didn't wager this season like I did last, or all that money I won in '07 would be gone, gone, gone.

Here we go ...

(16 points) NEW ORLEANS minus-5.5 over KANSAS CITY
--> Speaking of different, if we're going to buck the rules, let's buck 'em. Buck their asses. The Saints at the top? Purely analytical, I assure you. The Saints are a team of sheer and utter inconsistency. They stink it up one week and look like world-beaters the next. This is the next, and we'll give 'em a shot.
Last week: Patriots (-4.5) 20, Bills 10 (Buffalo becoming the team to pick against)

(15 points) NEW ENGLAND minus-2.5 over NY JETS
--> Did I ever mention how much I think the NFL's overtime rules are asinine? What a waste of a comeback.
Last week: Chargers 20, Chiefs (+14.5) 19 (Top two right for a change!)

(14 points) BALTIMORE plus-6.5 over NY GIANTS
--> Everybody and their grammaw are on the Giants' bandwagon, while the Ravens have been an excellent underdog pick all season long, including last week, when they won outright by 28 as a dog. While I don't expect those results two weeks in a row, I do expect their defense to keep it real close.
Last week: Falcons 34, Saints (E) 20 (I knew better)

(13 points) SEATTLE plus-2.5 over ARIZONA
--> Another dog that has fared much better, and this week features the return of Matt Hasselbeck. The Cardinals are on a high after beating a bad football team, and needing help to do it. While the Desert Beakmen have had flashes of being good, more ofthen than not, they've been mediocre. On the road in a division game won't be good enough this week.
Last week: Cardinals (-9.5) 29, 49ers 24 (If only I felt that way about Arizona last week)

(12 points) TAMPA BAY minus-3.5 over MINNESOTA
--> The one thing I am sticking to from previous weeks is picking NFC South teams at home. Not only do they usually win, but they usually win big. And unlike dumb moves in the past this season, I'm going to do my best to stop bucking trends.
Last week: Dolphins (-8.5) 21, Seahawks 19 (Did I really allow Miami to give that many points?)

(11 points) CAROLINA minus-13.5 over DETROIT
--> While the Lions have been a good choice against the spread the past few weeks, I go back to what I said about Tampa Bay. NFC South teams usually win handily at home this year, except the Saints, as we all know. As the Panthers begin their stretch for the division title, they need to start winning a little more convincingly.
Last week: Colts 24, Steelers (E) 20 (Now I pick against Indy?)

(10 points) PHILADELPHIA minus-9.5 over CINCINNATI
--> Speaking of trends, if there's one thing the Eagles can do, it's beat up on a terrible opponent. Also, they're getting into must-win territory with the NFC East so bunched up after New York. Expect them to take out their frustrations on soon-to-be-fired Marvin Lewis and the Bengal Cubs.
Last week: Giants (+2.5) 36, Eagles 31 (Yeah, I really gave points to the G-Men)

(9 points) ATLANTA minus-5.5 over DENVER
--> I have no more faith in the Broncos, and besides, I don't think I am going against Jay Cutler in any fantasy football league, so he'll wait to have a five-touchdown game until next week. The Falcons have made me a believer, especially when they're at home. And the Georgia Dome will be rockin this week (as much as 40,000 lame-asses can rock, anyway).
Last week: Broncos 34, Browns (-2.5) 30 (Jekyll and Hyde Brownies ...)

(8 points) PITTSBURGH minus-3.5 over SAN DIEGO
--> LT's whining about the Chargers' lack of running game -- Whose fault is that? -- and they're dangerously close to being an afterthought in the playoffs discussion. Meanwhile, the Steelers haven't played back-to-back bad games yet this season, and I don't expect it to start now. Also, remember what we said a few weeks ago about teams who had to go cross country? It doesn't usually work out too well.
Last week: Ravens (+1.5) 41, Texans 13 (I love the no-doubters)

(7 points) DALLAS minus-1.5 over WASHINGTON
--> The rare instance I choose to break the road-division favorite rule. I have said often how mediocre I think the Skins are, while the 'Boys should get a boost from the return of Romo. If they don't, Mr. Phillips will be shown the door, possibly as soon as this week. This is also a game where the bookies should make lots of dough, and I love to pick the side less traveled in those games.
Last week: Jets 47, Rams (+7.5) 3 (Note to self: It's Jim Haslett, dummy)

(6 points) INDIANAPOLIS minus-7.5 over HOUSTON
--> This is more for the same reason why I picked the Colts two weeks ago. The Texans have started to play like the Texans, and Peyton is starting to look like pre-surgery Peyton. All this and they're back at home? Chalk it up.
Last week: Vikings 28, Packers (+2.5) 27 (Two weeks in a row the Pack lose, but cover ... I got something right)

(5 points) ST. LOUIS plus-5.5 over SAN FRANCISCO
--> OK, so I never learn to stay away from the Real Men of Genius ... especially after I made that nice, neat note to myself. Oh well. The thinking here is that the Niners are going to respond one of two ways after last week's debacle. They'll either win in a rout or get routed. I like the latter because I'm not sure Singletary has yet figured out how to keep Martz from calling bad plays.
Last week: Titans 21, Bears (+2.5) 14 (Yep, still don't believe in dem Titans ... hard, hard head)

(4 points) CHICAGO plus-4.5 over GREEN BAY
--> The Pack has done a good job covering as a dog, but that's because they've been in so many close games. I don't think that will change this week, which means it's Chicago who covers this one.
Last week: Jaguars 38, Lions (+7.5) 14 (Their string of better play had to end sometime)

(3 points) CLEVELAND plus-5.5 over BUFFALO
--> I just can't let the Bills give any team points with as bad as they've been. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention (until now) how pissed I am at Jauron for not using Marshawn Lynch enough. Maybe he'll realize when Mojo was scoring, the Bills were winning. We'll see.
Last week: Panthers 17, Raiders (+9.5) 6 (Damned meaningless field goal)

(2 points) TENNESSEE minus-2.5 over JACKSONVILLE
--> So I wait until I can break by road-division rule to pick the Titans. I guess I was just waiting for the right time to jinx them.
Last week: No pick

(1 point) OAKLAND plus-10.5 over MIAMI
--> Don't think the Dolphins should give double digits to anyone, and the Raiders have played better on the road than they have at home. Plus, it's another instance, I believe, of everyone else loving Miami. My kind of game.
Last week: No pick

HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 10: 4-10, 45 points
OVERALL AGAINST DA SPREAD: 58-70 (.453), 528 points (59 points per week)

TP Sports Pool standings: JLE 718, MLC 631, Lopes 625, LR 600, Gene Pool 584, JRap 564, DJW 553, KVP (won week, 107) 540, WWB 539, PVW 539, Me 528

Inside the numbers

2008-11-12T19:10:00.004-06:00

I'm doing so poorly the past few weeks with my NFL picks, I decided I was going to do some studying inside the numbers to figure out why. I've got enough time to get myself back into respectable shape. There were a few stats which I decided to check out. And to see if they pan out the remainder of the season, I figured I'd post them here, and revisit at the end of the season.

WINNING PERCENTAGE
--> The obvious of all the stats. The better your winning percentage, the more money you make. Anything above .510 means you're making money. Anything better than .550 is phenomenal. Conversely, you need to hit some excellent parlays to be winning money if you're under .485 or so. And if you're below .460, you probably shouldn't even do this for fun for fear of complete embarrassment.

JLE (77-51) .601 (1st in points, 718)
JRap (63-51) .553 (6th in points, 564)
MLC (69-59) .539 (2nd in points, 631)
Lopes (67-61) .523 (3rd in points, 625)
Gene Pool (64-64) .500 (5th in points, 584)
LR (62-66) .484 (4th in points, 600)
WWB (57-71) .475 (tied for 9th in points, 539)
DJW (59-69) .461 (7th in points, 553)
(tie) PVW (tied for 9th in points, 539),
Me (58-70) .453 (last in points, 528)
KVP (56-72) .438 (8th in points, 540)

In our point system we're using on CBS, where you rank your picks and get more points for the ones each picker deems more important (16 points for top-rated game, 15 for second and so on), the standings are pretty close to form, except for JRap, who didn't turn in his picks one week.

It also shows that the sports copy desk doesn't always do the best job of picking with a composite record of 631-634, which isn't horrible with a .499 winning percentage, but it won't win anyone any money, either.

POINTS PER WIN
--> This is the stat I figured matters most ... or right up there, assuming you can get your percentage above the .500 mark. The higher your points-per-win, the more value you're getting and the less number of wins you need. (That's assuming you're not betting on all 13 to 16 games every week, which, of course, I am not.)

This stat, surprisingly, does not go according to standings. In fact, it's all over the place. I suspect that will change a bit by the end of the season, especially if JLE comes back to the pack a bit and the standings are tight.

LR 9.68 points per win
KVP 9.64
WWB 9.34
DJW 9.37
Lopes 9.33
JLE 9.32
PVW 9.29
MLC 9.14
Gene Pool 9.13
Me 9.10
JRap 8.96

This means that LR gets the most value out of his correct picks, but in all, everyone seems to be pretty tight.

UNDERDOG WINNERS
--> An underrated stat, which I feel, I can turn a good season of picking into a great one. This is how I made money last year, parlaying underdogs into 4 to 6 times my original bet, depending on the depth of the dog.

It's also a spot where I haven't fared as well this season. In looking at past dog winners, I noticed a pattern. Since we started this in Week 2, at least six dogs have won each week. That means that I must do a better job of, A) making sure I have at least six dogs in my picks, and B) studying which ones are the right ones.

Let's go player by player and figure out if dogs are helping or hurting them:

JLE: Not only has she done an unbelievable job with a .601 winning percentage and an 87-point lead, but she's fared even better with underdog winners. Her worst week (record-wise) was the first, going 3-5. Since then, she's 38-19 picking underdog winners. That is almost unheard of. Too bad she's not spending the fall in Vegas. One look at these numbers, and it's no surprise she's dominating the pick 'em.
--> 41-24 (.631, 1st); 351 points (1st); .489 pct of points come from dogs (2nd)

MLC: If he had just a little more luck here, he'd be ginving JLE a run for her money. Instead, MLC loooves the favorites, and even when he does get the dog right, he doesn't get many points from them. That's because he doesn't trust the dogs.
--> 27-38 (.415, 6th); 194 points (6th); .307 pct of points from dogs (6th)

Lopes: It's amazing he's in third place with his absolute fear of canines. He doesn't pick many of them, and when he does (except for last week, that is), they are usually wrong. Last week's 5-2 record in dog-winner games helped out a good bit. It accounted for one-third of all the points Lopes has received from mutts this year.
--> 20-45 (.307, tied 8th); 188 points (7th); .301 pct of points from dogs (7th)

LR: A hot start and a decent last couple of weeks says Mr. Reilly isn't afraid to go out on a limb. Unlike Lopes and MLC, dogs are the reason why LR remains in the chase for second place. The first week and last week are good for about 40 percent of his total, so a little consistency wouldn't hurt.
--> 31-34 (.477, 3rd); 265 points (3rd); .442 pct of ponts from dogs (3rd)

Gene Pool: Solid and consistent, and second only to JLE in this category. He has three weeks with 47 points or more coming from dogs. I, conversely, have four weeks where I scored less than 47 points overall. TGP has just two weeks below .500 in picking dog winners. Excellent.
--> 36-29 (.554, 2nd); 311 points (2nd); .533 pct of points from dogs (1st)

THE REST
JRap: 21-29 (.323, 7th); 138 points (10th); .247 pct of points from dogs (10th)
DJW: 29-34 (.446, 4th); 238 points (4th); .427 pct of points from dogs (4th)
KVP: 11-54 (.169, 11th); 102 points (11th); .189 pct of points from dogs (11th)
WWB: 18-47 (.277, 10th); 139 points (9th); .259 pct of points from dogs (9th)
PVW: 20-45 (.308, tied 8th); 141 points (8th); .262 pct of points from dogs (8th)
Me: 28-35 (.431, 5th); 215 points (5th); .407 pct of points from dogs (5th)

We'll see if all this research pays off, as I looked for trends and try to use them to my advantage with this week's picks. Let's hope this waste of time with solid boredom comes to good use.

Week 10 NFL picks

2008-11-07T17:01:00.006-06:00

Finally, finally, finally, a decent week. Maybe not the 11-3 kinda week we had earlier in the season, but back on the winning track and still some hope that we finish the season above .500. Can we put a streak together? Well, now that the election is over (more on that later), the NFL has my undivided attention.

Here we go ...

(16 points) NEW ENGLAND minus-4.5 over BUFFALO
--> The Bills have begun to show their mediocre side. Also, memo to Dick Jauron: Will you stop using Fred Jackson so GD much?? Do you realize you have one of the best goal-sniffers on the planet? Anyhoo, the Patriots, despite losing to Indy, seem to be closing in on their old selves. Not their 16-0 old selves, but their AFC East championship selves. And that's good enough to beat the Bills by more than a TD at home.
Last week: Falcons (-2.5) 24, Raiders 0 (A 16-point breather ... Hooooray)

(15 points) KANSAS CITY plus-14.5 over SAN DIEGO
--> This one's got trap written all over it, but I'm taking the bait. There's no way the Chargers should be this big a favorite against a team that has been playing much better the past couple of weeks. With S.D.'s defense, assuming they give up 24, the Chargers would have to score 39 or more. Don't see that happening. Of course, the Chiefs have been absolutely horrendous on the road, but I'll go back to old reliable -- never give an NFL team more than 10 or 11 points.
Last week: Cardinals (-2.5) 34, Rams 13 (Real Men of Genius show true colors)

(14 points) NEW ORLEANS even over ATLANTA
--> Breaking one of my big rules not to take the Saints with a double-digit-point pick, but I'm using pure logic here. Sean Payton has never lost to Atlanta. The Saints have had a week off to get a little healthier -- minus Charles Grant, that is. Although the Falcons have been a tough bird to kill at home, it's this week we find out whether the Bless You Boys have a legitimate shot at the postseason. If I'm wrong, the season is over, and it doesn't have that "it's over" feel to it just yet.
Last week: Steelers (+2.5) 23, Redskins 6 (Too easy)

(13 points) ARIZONA minus-9.5 over SAN FRANCISCO
--> I always like to pick teams I think are good in second-half games where they need to make a statement. Such is the case this week for the Cardinals. A bad division foe at home at a time where they need to prove to the NFL world they belong. Plus, it doesn't hurt that Anquan Boldin is back, and Kurt Warner looks like the Greatest Show on Turf Kurt Warner. We know it won't last, but it will for a little while longer.
Last week: Ravens 37, Browns (-1.5) 27 (It's obvious I have given the Browns too much credit ... see 9-point pick below)

(12 points) MIAMI minus-8.5 over SEATTLE
--> OK, I am finally ready to give the Fins a little credit. Of course, this is where they probably let me down, like the last time I picked them. But the Seabags are proving me right how awful they are without Hasselbeck, and it doesn't look like he'll be back for at least another week. I hope.
Last week: Vikings 28, Texans (+4.5) 21 (Almost moved this one even higher ... it all worked for me last week)

(11 points) PITTSBURGH even over INDIANAPOLIS
--> I told you last week that I already jumped off the Colts bandwagon, but if I hadn't already picked this one on CBS, I'd probably move it way down and take Indy. Willie Parker is all but out, and there's a real good chance Byron Leftwich will be back at QB. I'm just crossing my fingers here.
Last week: Eagles (-6.5) 26, Seahawks 7 (Holmgren's boys are the gift that keeps on paying)

(10 points) PHILADELPHIA minus-2.5 over NY GIANTS
--> The Birdbrains haven't fared all that well against the league's better teams, but the Giants have been a little vulnerable on the road. Also, the G-Men haven't been all that great after a big win, and after shattering the Cowboys last week, they're due to take a downward turn. Look for a low-scoring game and a straight-up win by the Eagles on a David Akers field goal in the fourth quarter.
Last week: Titans 19, Packers (+5.5) 16 (I was wrong on the Packers winning straight up, but at least I got the pick correct)

(9 points) CLEVELAND minus-2.5 over DENVER
--> THURSDAY LOSS. What a way to start the week. Damned choking Brownies.
Last week: Bengals 21, Jaguars (-8.5) 19 (You tryin to get fired, Del Rio?)

(8 points) BALTIMORE plus-1.5 over HOUSTON
--> The Ravens' D had been looking like the D of old until it gave up 27 to the Browns last week in a win. The Texans, though, haven't been too good with Sage Rosenfels in there, and he'll be back on the field Sunday. Another low-scoring game, and another winner on a field goal in the fourth quarter -- this one by Matt Stover.
Last week: Bucs 30, Chiefs (+8.5) 27 (You can't give the big, bad Chefs points at home!)

(7 points) ST. LOUIS plus-7.5 over NY JETS
--> The real Rams came back to Earth last week, but this is no powerhouse they're facing. While the Bretts have been on a roll, they haven't exactly been destroying their opponents. They'll keep it close here, too.
Last week: Giants 35, Cowboys (+8.5) 14 (Maybe the Starheads really are that bad)

(6 points) GREEN BAY plus-2.5 over MINNESOTA
--> It seems the Packers are my pet team in the NFC this year. I rarely pick against them, and they rarely let me down. This week, they'll do what the Texans couldn't -- put eight men in the box and actually shut down Bernard Berrian and the like.
Last week: Jets (+5.5) 26, Bills 17 (If the Bretts are dogs, I'm probably gonna pick 'em)

(5 points) CHICAGO plus-2.5 over TENNESSEE
--> So the one bandwagon I refuse to jump off of is the Anti-Titans bandwagon. I want to be there when they finally fall. I want to let the world know I got it right when I picked against that mediocre undefeated team. I will eventually make that pick of the year. Of course, we'll ignore all the ones I got wrong before that happens.
Last week: Dolphins 26, Broncos (-3.5) 17 (I jumped on the Dolphins' train a week too late)

(4 points) DETROIT minus-7.5 over JACKSONVILLE
--> I'm not sure if I like this because the Jaguars are so bad or because the Lions have recently been playing tight games on a regular basis. Of course, this was done before I found out Daunte Culpepper was starting at QB for Deeeetroit. Glad I put this one at the bottom.
Last week: Colts (-5.5) 18, Patriots 15 (I forgot Dungy doesn't like to add on points when he has a chance)

(3 points) OAKLAND plus-9.5 over CAROLINA
--> I refuse to believe any NFL team is as bad as Oakland played last week. The Panthers, meanwhile, have struggled on the road. All of that, and I have successfully talked myself into picking the woeful Raiders once again.
Last week: Bears 27, Lions (+12.5) 23 (Detroit's not all that bad against the spread)

HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 9: 8-6, 83 points
OVERALL AGAINST DA SPREAD: 54-60 (.474), 483 points (60 points per week)

TP Sports Pool standings: JLE 630, MLC 594, Lopes 528, LR 522, Gene Pool (won week, 101) 512, DJW 488, WWB 484, Me 483, JRap 476, PVW 468, KVP 433

Week 9 NFL picks

2008-10-31T16:52:00.009-05:00

Hold your nose boys and girls. No, I'm not talking about Tuesday's election. This is something much worse. Rather, it's that time of the week when I tell everyone who not to pick. And if you picked against me the past two weeks, you made quite a bit of cash to take the kiddies out for a steak -- every night for the past 10 days.

After a 22-9 start, I have fallen below .500 for the season for the first time in '08. My numbers are so low, I don't think I could beat out Bob Barr on Tuesday. But we're determined to make this thing right. So, I guess what I am saying is, bet against me at your own risk. I changed up some of my strategies and think I'm ready for a big week.

We'll see, ha ha.

Here we go ...

(16 points) ATLANTA minus-2.5 over OAKLAND
--> Here's the first change of order. I got off the Raiders bandwagon, and am jumping on the Dirty Birds for at least a week. Even though they struggled last week, new coach Mike Smith has impressed the hell out of me. Matt Ryan looks for real, and we know Michael Turner is. Could be a big day for both of them, and I'm looking for a blowout.
Last week: Panthers (-4.5) 27, Cardinals 23 (This was the beginning of the big flop -- and I;m not talking about poker)

(15 points) ARIZONA minus-2.5 over ST. LOUIS
--> The Real Men of Genius have been cracked. The Cardinals hung tough in Carolina last week. That all means something to me. If the Rams find a way to win this one, it means they found a way to stop Kurt Warner, Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald. No matter how wrong I have been, I can't see that happening.
Last week: Redskins (-7.5) 25, Lions 17 (Whew. Barely. It could've been a 2-12 week.)

(14 points) PITTSBURGH plus-2.5 over WASHINGTON
--> Speaking of getting exposed, the Redskins aren't as good as advertised in road wins at Dallas and Philly. The Steelers have been consistent, and with Willie Parker coming back, expect the unexpected from them. I just think Pittsburgh is way too physical for the Skins, although it should be a great game. Look for the Steelers to win straight up in a close one.
Last week: Jets (-12.5) 28, Chiefs 24 (How in the hell did Tyler Thigpen almost pull this one out straight up?)

(13 points) CLEVELAND minus-1.5 over BALTIMORE
--> My first pick of a home team this week -- and only one of four. The Browns have played well enough since beating the Giants to merit being a bigger favorite here. The Ravens beat the Raiders. Big deal. Looking for a low-scoring game with the Browns winning by a late Jamal Lewis touchdown.
Last week: Browns 23, Jaguars (-6.5) 17 (What a weird season)

(12 points) HOUSTON plus-4.5 over MINNESOTA
--> One of the few things I got right in the past couple of weeks is that I think the Texans are underrated. Look for their defense to do what the Saints did and even better. Shove eight men in the box and let Gussy beat you. Meanwhile, give the Vikings porous defense a large does of Steve Slaton and Andre Johnson. Love the Texans, straight up here.
Last week: Seahawks 34, 49ers (-4.5) 13 (At least when I'm wrong, I'm usually really wrong)

(11 points) PHILADELPHIA minus-6.5 over SEATTLE
--> If there's one thing the Eagles can do well, they're able to beat a bad team. And usually handily. After a week in which Holmgren's boys gave Grunge City some hope against the lowly Niners, it's back to reality. Donovan McNabb is not JT O'Sullivan, and the Eagles defense ... well, you get the picture. This one could get ugly.
Last week: Titans 31, Colts (+3.5) 21 (Maybe when Tennessee is 15-0 I'll believe they're for real)

(10 points) GREEN BAY plus-5.5 over TENNESSEE
--> Like I said, I just can't seem to pull the trigger on the Titans. So what if their defense is playing really well? I can't believe Kerry Collins is stringing them along. It will be interesting to see what happens to them if they trail heading into the fourth quarter. Also, Aaron Rodgers got a contract extension this week, so he'll have something to prove. At the minimum, I think it'll be close, but I like the Pack straight up.
Last week: Dolphins 25, Bills (-1.5) 17 (Will the real Dolphins show up please?)

(9 points) JACKSONVILLE minus-8.5 over CINCINNATI
--> The scary thing about this one is that the Jags haven't won by more than a touchdown all season. But the more important piece of this puzzle is that they have had maybe the toughest schedule in the league so far. There has not been a gimme, and Del Rio was pissed after falling at home to the Brownies last week. Look for a good team to respond in a big way.
Last week: Saints 37, Chargers (-2.5) 32 (What in the hell was that? And do it again please.)

(8 points) KANSAS CITY plus-8.5 over TAMPA BAY
--> I have to be honest, this one's on a gut feeling. Last week could have been just a fluke, but I look for the Arrowheads to play a little better the rest of the way. And besides, NFC South teams have been anything but impressive on the road, and the Bucs are no different. They're 1-3 straight up away from Raymond James Stadium.
Last week: Giants 21, Steelers (-2.5) 14 (Wish we had John Carney five years ago ... OK, now)

(7 points) DALLAS plus-8.5 over NY GIANTS
--> Just once have the defending champs rolled as a big favorite -- against lowly Seattle. The Cowboys certainly have their issues, but if they want to stay in the running for the NFC East -- and if Wade Phillips wants to keep a secure hold on his job -- the Starheads will have to put up a big fight. I think they're too good not to do at least that.
Last week: Patriots (-7.5) 23, Rams 16 (Grrr, I hate those half-point losses)

(6 points) NY JETS plus-5.5 over BUFFALO
--> Usually when I pick against the Bills, it comes back to haunt me. But I just can't pick them to give up that many points as bad as they've played lately. I don't think there will be a ton of points scored in this one, and in a close game, I like the Men of Favre.
Last week: Eagles 27, Falcons (+8.5) 14 (The Birds just can't overcome a good defense. Lesson learned.)

(5 points) DENVER minus-3.5 over MIAMI
--> Obviously, the oddsmakers have given the Dolphins respect. It shows, too, what they think of the back-down-to-Earth Broncos. This spread means Miami would be almost a field-goal favorite at home. I can't honestly believe that these two teams are that close. But you can see how much faith I have in this one.
Last week: Texans (-9.5) 35, Bengals 6 (Houston moving up my confidence chart)

(4 points) INDIANAPOLIS minus-5.5 over NEW ENGLAND
--> I was all set to jump off the Colts bandwagon -- which I have stated for about a month now -- but then here comes the Patsies. A completely healed Peyton has been waiting for a chance to destroy his nemesis. And here, he gets it, as it's now or never. Don't bet da house, though.
Last week: Cowboys (-2.5) 13, Bucs 9 (Shoulda been much easier)

(3 points) DETROIT plus-12.5 over CHICAGO
--> The Lions have improved, and I don't see them being routed by their arch-rival. Also, one of my cardinal rules is that I hate giving up more than 10 points to any NFL team, no matter how bad they are. And despite the 0-fer so far, I just don't think Deeeetroit is that horrendous.
Last week: Ravens 29, Raiders (+6.5) 10 (I'm so glad I don't have to talk about last week anymore)

HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 8: Awful. Just awful. Oh, you want actual numbers. (Reluctant) 24 points, 3-11
OVERALL AGAINST DA SPREAD: 46-54 (.460), 400 points (57 points per week)

TP Sports Pool standings: MLC 537, JLE 532, Lopes 464, LR 447, WWB 439, PVW 422, Gene Pool 411, JRap (won week, 70 points) 411, KVP 403, Me 400, DJW 392

Week 8 NFL picks

2008-10-25T17:21:00.004-05:00

Can we just skip the idle chit-chat about just how bad last week was? A couple of things I will say real quick, though. First, there is no truth to the rumor that I let my dog, Reggie Bush, make my picks last week. Second, there is truth to the rumor that I wish I let my dog, Reggie Bush, make my picks last week.

Let's just move on ...

(16 points) CAROLINA minus-4.5 over ARIZONA
--> The entire NFC South has proved to be beasts at home. With their bye coming next week and then two easy ones, the Panthers should let loose with this one. Also, there's no one to overlook. The Cardinals have been up and down, but they have yet to face a defense like this one this season.
Last week: Rams 34, Cowboys (-6.5) 14 (The bookies were laughing, so was anyone who read this dumb blog last week)

(15 points) WASHINGTON minus-7.5 over DETROIT
--> The Redskins have struggled against bad teams the past two weeks, losing both ATS and straight up against the Rams two weeks ago. If they want to be considered a legitimate contender, they'll have to show bettors (more to prove to themselves) something here. The Lions have played better since firing Matt Millen, but that's wearing off on this really bad, possibly 0-and-16-in-their-future team. Expect a big day from Jason Campbell and Santana Moss against a porous secondary.
Last week: Bills 23, Chargers (-.5) 14 (That's what I get for picking against my preseason surprise)

(14 points) NY JETS minus-12.5 over KANSAS CITY
--> What do you do after an awful week of prognosticating? Take the safe route and go with a bunch of favorites. That's a lot of points to give up against any NFL team, but I like fair-to-good teams at home after an upset loss on the road. Especially against the in-figthing Chiefs.
Last week: Panthers 30, Saints (+3.5) 7 (Note to self: Don't pick against NFC South home teams in a division game ever again this season. Especially when the Saints are involved.)

(13 points) JACKSONVILLE minus-6.5 over CLEVELAND
--> In sticking with the favorites theme ... The Browns defense has played over their heads the past two weeks, including last week when their offense was awful. The Dawg Pound is beginning to call for Brady Quinn, and they might get their wish with one more bad performance from Derek Anderson. Meanwhile, time to turn it on for what could be the AFC South's best team when all is said is done. (Yes, I know Tennessee is still undefeated. See below.)
Last week: Titans 34, Chiefs (+7.5) 10 (I'm not sure why I'm not sold on the Titans)

(12 points) SAN FRANCISCO minus-4.5 over SEATTLE
--> Without Hasselbeck, the Seahawks are bad. Real bad. Hell, even with him they're not all that good. Look for the Niners to be fired up in Mike Singletary's first game as coach. One thing for sure is that they will be intense.
Last week: Ravens 27, Dolphins (-2.5) 13 (I kinew better than to let Miami give points)

(11 points) INDIANAPOLIS plus-3.5 over TENNESSEE
--> Here I go going against another one of my rules (don't bet against a team with a streak of three or more). And another thing, this is really the last week I am on the Colts bandwagon if they don't show me something here. Either Peyton comes alive here, or this team truly is in trouble.
Last week: Steelers 33, Bengals (+9.5) 10 (Wow, I wasn't even close on most of these)

(10 points) BUFFALO minus-1.5 over MIAMI
--> Breaking another rule in consecutive picks (don't take road-division favorite). I wasn't about to pick against the Bills in consecutive weeks. Especially not here, where the Dolphins looked like the real Dolphins last week. I would suspect, though, that this one will be low scoring. Very low scoring.
Last week: Patriots 41, Broncos (+3.5) 7 (In fact, I think this was my worst week of picking EVER)

(9 points) SAN DIEGO minus-2.5 over NEW ORLEANS
--> The Saints are days away from unraveling at the seams, it would appear. Want some more bad signs for Brees and the Boys? They have been bad on the road, and THIS IS a road game, no matter what the NFL says. The Chargers, meanwhile, haven't lost often the past three seasons against teams with losing records.
Last week: Giants 29, 49ers (10.5) 17 (It's pretty sad when you're happy about the ones you almost got right)

(8 points) PITTSBURGH minus-2.5 over NY GIANTS
--> This could be one of the most physical games of the season so far. The offensive front of the Steelers has come alive after a dreadful start. Expect that to come in big, as I look for Big Ben to throw a little more than he has been, especially short passes to Miller and Ward. The Giants, meanwhile, still haven't proved that they are the NFC's dominant team.
Last week: Bears 48 (-3.5), Vikings 41 (Hooray, pop the champagne)

(7 points) NEW ENGLAND minus-7.5 over ST. LOUIS
--> In this weird season, logic says you should pick against the Patriots after they looked so good last week. But there's no way the Real Men of Genius keep this up, especially with Belicheat on the other side. That just doesn't seem fair.
Last week: Redskins (-7.5) 14, Browns 11 (I'm starting to think Washington played over their heads in those two big road wins. Also think Dallas and Philly just weren't that good.)

(6 points) ATLANTA plus-8.5 over PHILADELPHIA
--> Don't understand the spread here. The Falcons are a little lucky to be 4-2, but nonetheless, the Eagles have been anything but impressive. While I would be surprised if Atlanta pulls off another one, Mike Smith seems to have his team well-prepared every week, and I would be surprised if they get blown out.
Last week: Packers 34, Colts (+.5) 14 (Can you say over the hill? It's close.)

(5 points) HOUSTON minus-9.5 over CINCINNATI
--> I am going back to my original assessment that the Texans are a good football team, especially defensively. I can almost forget how much a hurricane can affect the play of a decent squad. I can't forget, though, how many troubles the Bengals have had and just how close a good coach is to being fired.
Last week: Buccaneers (-10.5) 20, Seahawks 10 (Meaningless late scores should count LOL)

(4 points) DALLAS minus-2.5 over TAMPA BAY
--> This pick goes against all of my better judgment, but I simply cannot believe the Cowpokes are poor, make that porous. Meanwhile, the Bucs have done most of their damage at home. It's sort of sick, but Wade Phillips' job really is at stake with the quick-trigger Jerry Jones watching. Look for a big rebound with a veteran under center and a beast named Marion Barber carrying the load.
Last week: Raiders (+3.5) 16, Jets 13 (This was really the only good pick I had last week)

(3 points) OAKLAND minus-6.5 over BALTIMORE
--> Another one that doesn't make any sense, but I thought I made sense last week. Oh well, it seems as if the Raiders are rejuvenated with Cable calling the shots. Sure, it won't last, but I give it more than a week.
Last week: Texans 28, Lions (+8.5) 21 (Yay, who cares?)

HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 7: 15 points, 3-11
OVERALL AGAINST DA SPREAD: 43-43 (.500), 376 points (63 points per week)

TP sports pool standings: JLE (won week, 95) 477, MLC 477, Lopes 405, LR 395, WWB 391, PVW 385, Me 376, Gene Pool 367, KVP 337, JRap 335, DJW 330

NFL Week 7 picks

2008-10-17T16:59:00.003-05:00

Good news for me last week was that I picked nine games right. Bad news was that most of them were the lower-point games. Funny thing is I'm not quite sure why I didn't move my lower picks up. I loved the underdogs at the bottom: St. Louis, Detroit and Cleveland. Can't let them damned Tampa Bay Rays fans stay too far ahead of me. I think I have a good batch this week, and we're ready to move back up near the top.

Here we go:

(16 points) DALLAS minus-6.5 over ST. LOUIS
--> Romo? No Romo? That is the question. The answer is that it doesn't matter. If the Cowboys are to remain an elite team, they need to not just win, but win big. Certainly by more than a touchdown over the NFC's second-worst team. Let's see what Jim Haslett, new defensive coordinator Rick Venturi and the rest of the Real Men of Genius have in store for Marion Barber and T.O.
Last week: Falcons 22, Bears (-2.5) 20 (Would've lost anyway, but how do you let that happen?)

(15 points) SAN DIEGO plus-.5 over BUFFALO
--> Last week's blowout was no fluke for the Chargers, while neither was the Bills big loss two weeks ago at Arizona. San Diego is set to go on a roll (bad news for Saints fans), and lay claim to being one of the AFC's best. With the debacle of the first two weeks behind them, if they're gonna do that, they need to start by beating the mediocre on the road.
Last week: Texans (-2.5) 29, Dolphins 28 (Can a brother get a damned 2-point conversion?)

(14 points) NEW ORLEANS plus-3.5 over CAROLINA
--> It's a very similar situation as last week for the Saints. Although it's not quite as desperate, they're almost in a must-win again. This ridiculous road trip doesn't get easier until after the bye week, and they can't afford to go into it with a sub. 500 record. The run defense will have to be as stellar as they've been the past two weeks, while plenty is on Drew Brees' shoulders with Reggie Bush knicked up. That's a good thing.
Last week: Cardinals 30, Cowboys (-5.5) 27, OT (This parity crap is for the birds)

(13 points) KANSAS CITY plus-7.5 over TENNESSEE
--> One of those hunches (I usually get these right) that the Chiefs are fighting mad and have had a good week of practice. So what if the Titans are 5-0? Who have they beat? I'm telling you it's a facade, and look for the Chiefs to be more relaxed knowing the Larry Johnson situation ahead of time. It wouldn't surprise me at all if KC won straight up.
Last week: Packers (+2.5) 27, Seahawks 17 (Don't think the Seabags will be giving too many teams points the rest of the year)

(12 points) MIAMI minus-2.5 over BALTIMORE
--> I don't remember the last time the Dolphins were favored over anyone -- anywhere. But there's a reason. This team now has earned my respect with their above-average defense and innovating play-calling. Meanwhile, the Ravens' bubble sort of burst last week in a crushing rout at the hands of the aging Colts. If Miami has something to prove, here's their chance.
Last week: Eagles 40, 49ers (+4.5) 26 (choke, choke)

(11 points) CINCINNATI plus-9.5 over PITTSBURGH
--> No one denies the Bungles are a bad football team, but the Steelers are still a little banged up, even on a week coming off their bye. You all should know my rule by now that states you better be damned sure if you pick a road-division favorite. And with the Hekyll and Jekyll Steelers, how could you possibly be certain?
Last week: Bucs (-1.5) 27, Panthers 3 (Wow, didn't think it would be that easy)

(10 points) DENVER plus-3.5 over NEW ENGLAND
--> I don't know what the hell to think about the Patriots. I know they're not as bad as they played in last week's loss, but my opinion on them has dropped big time in the past few weeks. I know Tom Brady's gone, but does Matt Cassel realize he has Randy Moss? One thing I do know is the Broncos and Shanahan -- even though I can't stand him -- are good. Usually, when excellent coaches go up against each other, the better TEAM wins. And I think Denver is the better team.
Last week: Jets (-6.5) 26, Bengals 14 (Thomas Jones 3 TDs? Really? ... Really?)

(9 points) SAN FRANCISCO plus-10.5 over NY GIANTS
--> Again, if you've read my previous picks blogs, you know I don't think the G-Men should be laying a lot of points to anyone. They proved why last week. Still, I am not in love with this pick for the simple reason of not liking to pick a team that has to travel cross-country against one that is licking its wounds. I love the over, and if this spread was 9.5, I might have picked New York.
Last week: Saints (-7.5) 34, Raiders 3 (If it weren't the Saints, I'd have had this one at the top)

(8 points) CHICAGO minus-3.5 over MINNESOTA
--> The Vkings have had more than their share of really good luck the past two weeks, while Lovie Smith suffered from a brain fart last week at Atlanta. God, I hate the squib kick. What usually happens when a good coach makes a stupid mistake? They come back the next week and pound a mediocre (at best) team into oblivion. Bears might win by three touchdowns.
Last week: Chargers 30, Patriots (+5.5) 10 (Obviously, I have the Belicheats too high on my power rankings)

(7 points) WASHINGTON minus-7.5 over CLEVELAND
--> This is the game that determines whether the Redskins are a playoff contender or those two road division wins were a fluke. If they're for real, they'll get their act together after a major letdown last week against the Real Genuises and wallop a bad AFC team that is coming off a tremendous high. If they're not, they'll flop and be in a dogfight all afternoon. I think the Z(orn)-men are for real.
Last week: Colts (-4.5) 31, Ravens 3 (Is this the kick-start for the Horseshoe Heads?)

(6 points) INDIANAPOLIS minus-.5 over GREEN BAY
--> Have I picked against the Colts this season? Come to think about it, I don't think I have picked against the Packers, either. Well, something's got to give. You know how I said earlier in the season I was almost ready to jump off the Colts bandwagon? I'm still real close, and I think this game will tell me just how good -- or not so good -- they are.
Last week: Jaguars (+3.5) 24, Broncos 17 (We shoulda had Del Rio 10 years ago ... OK, 20 years ago then)

(5 points) TAMPA BAY minus-10.5 over SEATTLE
--> This one goes back to my bad-team-headed-cross-country-to-play-a-good-team rule. The Seahawks have been absolutely decimated by injuries, and Seneca Wallace/Charlie Frye and Julius Jones just aren't gonna cut it against this defense. I don't expect the Bucs to put up all that many points, but the Seahawks might not score at all. My predic is a 17-0 final.
Last week: Rams (+13.5) 19, Redskins 17 (I wanna just pat myself on the back so bad ... I think I will)

(4 points) OAKLAND plus-3.5 over NY JETS
--> Ahh, memories of the Heidi game when I was about four months old. Why am I picking the Raiders, you ask? Because I am still not convinced Brett Favre changed the Jets that much. Yes, I realize Oakland is a bad team, but for some reason, bad teams have played well at home so far this year. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
Last week: Browns (+7.5) 35, Giants 14 (Leave dem sleepin dogs alone, ruff ruff)

(3 points) DETROIT plus-8.5 over HOUSTON
--> I think I'm picking the Lions more on sympathy than I am on logic. They should have won straight up last week. The Texans shold have lost. Oh, and there's one more reason that doesn't make any sense. I simply HATE the city of Houston, and I have never been to Detroit. Advantage Lions.
Last week: Vikings 12, Lions (+13.5) 10 (You can see when I pick the Lions, I have tons of confidence)

HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 6: 68 points, 9-5
OVERALL AGAINST DA SPREAD: 40-32 (.556), 361 (72 points per week)

TP Sports Pool standings: MLC 402, JLE 382, Lopes 373, Me 361, LR 357 (won week, 80), JRap 335, Gene Pool 327, PVW 318, WWB 305, KVP 292, DJW 272

Week 6 NFL picks

2008-10-10T17:00:00.005-05:00

OK, so I am officially over the Cubs loss. It obviously ruined my whole weekend, though, as my picks were once again awful. I am now treading in fourth place amongst the common people in my pick'em pool. What the heck is going on? MLC is leading for crying out loud! We cannot continue to let this happen, and with those Northside scumbags not around anymore to ruin my Mojo, we plan to get back on track with an 80-plus point week.

Here we go:

(16 points) CHICAGO minus-2.5 over ATLANTA
--> The Falcons, obviously, have been quite a surprise, and have one of the top running games in the NFL. That won't be an easy thing to continue against the Bears, who could end up taking over my spot as the NFC's No. 2 team, behind the Starheads. Atlanta has been great in three of five games, especially at home, but here comes their reality check.
Last week: Falcons 27, Packers (-6.5) 24 (Yes, I realize I am picking against the Falcons at the top two weeks in a row.)

(15 points) HOUSTON minus-2.5 over MIAMI
--> Picking a winless team to give up points against another who has defeated the top two teams in the AFC last season? Am I nuts? Well, maybe, but the Texans actually have played well, and last week did so without their starting quarterback against the Colts. The Dolphins are on the right track, but I'm not ready to pick them on the road against what I still believe is a quality team.
Last week: Dolphins 17, Chargers (-6.5) 10 (See a trend developing here?)

(14 points) DALLAS minus-5.5 over ARIZONA
--> The Cardinals still have much to prove in my eyes, regardless of their big win last week. Dallas, meanwhile, is coming off two sub-par performances and needs to turn it around. While the Birds shut down Marshawn Lynch last week, they did it daring J.P. Losman to throw. Do that against the Cowboys, and they're gonna get burned. Real bad.
Last week: Steelers 26, Jaguars (-3.5) 21 (Who'd a thunk Big Ben actually would have time to throw?)

(13 points) GREEN BAY plus-2.5 over SEATTLE
--> Why do people continue to think Seattle is good? Hell, why would you even think they're mediocre? They're in the worst division in football and struggling. This could be a statement game, meanwhile, for Aaron Rodgers. If he even wants to be considered in the top half of NFL quarterbacks, he'll shake off last week's loss and prove to his fans that he has a winning mentality.
Last week: Colts (-3.5) 31, Texans 27 (It would have been a REAL clunker of a week if the Colts wouldn't pulled this one out their horseshoe.)

(12 points) SAN FRANCISCO plus-4.5 over PHILADELPHIA
--> The Eagles are as banged up as any team in the NFL, especially at the key positions. Without Brian Westbrook, it will all be on Donovan McNabb's shoulders, who will be without Reggie Brown. The Niners continue to improve, and should give the Eagles a steady dose of Frank Gore. That is, if Mike Martz can get his head out of his keister and realize he has one of the best runnung backs in the league.
Last week: Bears (-3.5) 34, Lions 7 (Were they kidding us with that spread? And why the hell wasn't this my top pick? Mysteries, mysteries.)

(11 points) TAMPA BAY minus-1.5 over CAROLINA
--> You'd think I'd be sold on the Panthers by now, but I'm really not. I also believe the NFC South isn't nearly as good as it's played so far (with the exception of you-know-who). I still believe the Bucs will win it, assuming their old defense can keep up. Look for the Kiffinator to seal the ends, cover Muhsy and Steve Smith, and make DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart beat them. It won't work.
Last week: Patriots (-3.5) 30, 49ers 21 (Told ya what a week off could do for Mr. Belicheat.)

(10 points) NY JETS minus-6.5 over CINCINNATI
--> No Carson Palmer and an overacheiving defense. Brett Favre must be salivating after a week off and 56 points under his belt two weeks ago. This could be the week the Marvin Lewis watch truly begins, especially if he loses by three touchdowns, which is entirely possible.
Last week: Vikings 30, Saints (-2.5) 27 (That son of a bitch, Gramatica.)

(9 points) NEW ORLEANS minus-7.5 over OAKLAND
--> It's absolutely do or die for the Saints. If they lose this week, the complete meltdown will begin on the road at Carolina next week. Payton will not let that happen, and the goal this week should be the same for the Fleur-de-Lis as it was last week, albeit with a different name. Stop Darren McFadden, and let JaMarcus beat you. If that happens, shame on you.
Last week: Panthers (-9.5) 34, Chiefs 0 (I think I forgot that you were supposed to move the easiest picks to the top.)

(8 points) NEW ENGLAND plus-5.5 over SAN DIEGO
--> Really? The Chargers have been bad, and they likely are without their best receiver, Chris Chambers. All the while, we're still not sure LT is 100 percent, and the Patriots are still pissed. The bookies have given up on Belicheat, but I haven't.
Last week: Giants 44, Seahawks (+6.5) 6 (I need to take my own advice and realize how bad Seattle really is.)

(7 points) INDIANAPOLIS minus-4.5 over BALTIMORE
--> One of these days I'm going to hop off this old-ass Colts Express. As much as I think the Ravens are improved, I'm actually putting this one on the Indianapolis defense. I can't see much scoring from them, and a 10-3 Colts win wouldn't shock me at all. Don't bet the house on this one.
Last week: Titans 13, Ravens (+2.5) 10 (There's no truth to the rumor I am picking against Baltmiore just because I am pissed they couldn't salt this one away.)

(6 points) JACKSONVILLE plus-3.5 over DENVER
--> This one's a toughie. If the spread was 2.5, I'd probably go the other way. Can't see the Jags defense playing as poorly as it did last week. All the while, Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall have sort of been exposed. Here's a hunch Maurice Jones-Drew and Old Man Taylor have a good day.
Last week: Broncos (-3.5) 16, Bucs 13 (See previous explanation.)

(5 points) ST. LOUIS plus-13.5 over WASHINGTON
--> Hear me out before you look to commit me. The Redskins are coming off two really tough division wins. The Rams have a new coach (I know who it is, numb nuts), and teams often play well the first week with a new coach, and especially after a bye. Look for a Washington let down, and I wouldn't even be shocked if St. Louis won straight up with the Real Men of Genius.
Last week: Cardinals 41, Bills (+0.5) 17 (Uh, I didn't see that coming.)

(4 points) CLEVELAND minus-7.5 over NY GIANTS
--> As you can see -- and will see -- I have decided to be a risky at the bottom. I just don't like the Giants giving this many points on the road -- to anyone. Also, Derek Anderson is fighting for his job, and more times than not when a quarterback is doing that, he plays well. Don't think the Browns will win, but I do think it will be surprisingly close.
Last week: Redskins 23, Eagles (-5.5) 17 (Way too much stock in Philly. No more.)

(3 points) DETROIT plus-13.5 over MINNESOTA
--> As bad as the Lions have been, Marinelli's plea last week really hit the heart. And if they get blown out again, I won't pick them again this year, I promise. Besides, who the hell are the Vikings to be giving almost two touchdowns to ANYBODY?
Last week: Cowboys (-13.5) 31, Bengals 22 (Looked like a cakewalk in the first quarter, grrr.)

HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 5: 45 points, 4-10 (ouch)
OVERALL AGAINST DA SPREAD: 31-27 (.534), 293 points (73 points per week)

TP Sports Pool standings: MLC 323, JLE 305, Lopes 303, Me 293, JRap 285, LR 274, Gene Pool 259, WWB 244, PVW 239, KVP 238, DJW (won week, 92) 219

I want my six months back

2008-10-05T00:22:00.006-05:00

In 1984, I was too young and too new to this whole thing to understand.

In 1989, I learned to hate Will Clark, but my fondness of this team was still in the developmental stage. Besides, we weren't supposed to be that good, and I learned how to make excuses. That's what Cubs fans do, right?

In 1998, Sosa was bigger than the season.

In 2003, Game 5 in Atlanta outshined the Bartman bullshit.

In 2007, Lou was just starting to get it together. Next year finally meant next year.

This. This. This is just unacceptable.

For those of you who aren't Cubs fans and don't understand, and even for those of you who haven't been Cubs fans for at least 15 years or so, I explained it to my bestest Cubs buddy via text message like this: I feel the same exact way I did Sept. 3, 1990. That was the night my first real girlfriend dumped me after being together for five years.

The funny -- maybe I should say weird, because it's not funny -- thing about that is that I thought for months that we should break up. I wanted to do it first, but didn't have the stones. When she did it though, it hit me out of the blue, and I wasn't ready for it to be over. It was devastating. Absolutely devastating.

That's how I feel about these (filth-flarn-filth)ing choking MFing losers. I should have quit on them before they quit on me.

In case you haven't figured it out, I am damned pissed.

This team supposedly was built for THIS season. Like Bestest said, they're never going to have a better lineup than this. They're never going to have a better rotation than this. The back end of their bullpen is never going to be better than this. What in the f&%@ do they need to win the World Series?

This may have been the best shot.

F*&@ the curse. F&%@ Bartman. F^#& the Goat.

It's not a curse. It's a mentality.

If you think like a loser, if you feel like a loser, if you look like a loser, you're going to be a God damned loser. So no more excuses. I will not be offering them again in this lifetime. I will now just say, "Yes, you're right" to the assholes who decide to poke and prod me. Even the ones who are fans from a nameless team who has never won a World Series. Not 100 years ago, never. Yep, they're right, too.

We suck. We'll never win. We should crawl in a f@@@ing hole.

There's no need to recap what happened, or rather, what didn't happen. They didn't show up, and I don't just mean these past three games. They won the division, and crawled into a bottomless hole. They played the last week of the regular season against the Mets and Brewers like they didn't care if they won or lost, and you simply can't play like that.

If you don't care for a week, you're not going to care when the lights come back on. And they played like they didn't care.

I wasted six months of my soul watching and living this group, because I truly believed from the last pitch of the NLDS sweep against the Diamondbacks last year this was it. This was the year I was going to feel the ecstasy of winning, not another agony of defeat.

I watched or listened to at least part of all but FOUR games this year. That is absolutely pathetic, and I am pissed at myself that it took this to figure it out.

No more.

Sure, when next April rolls around, I will still be a fan. Like everyone when they get pissed, it fades somewhat after time. I'll never forget how I feel right now, but I won't be mad anymore.

But they can't have any more of my soul. They certainly don't use it on the field.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqHTScDBsDU

ALL THE WAY by Eddie Vedder
Don't let anyone say that it's just a game
For I've seen other teams and it's never the same
When you're born in Chicago you're blessed and you're healed
The first time you walk into Wrigley Field
Our heroes wear pinstripes
Heroes in blue
Give us the chance to feel like heroes too
Forever we'll win and if we should lose
We know someday we'll go all the way
Yeah
Someday we'll go all the way

We are one with the Cubs
With the Cubs we're in love
Yeah, hold our head high as the underdogs
We are not fair-weather but foul-weather fans
We're like brothers in arms in the streets and the stands
There's magic in the ivy and the old scoreboard
The same one I stared at as a kid keeping score
In a world full of greed, I could never want more
Than someday we'll go all the way
Yeah
Someday we'll go all the way
Someday we'll go all the way
Yeah
Someday we'll go all the way
Someday we'll go all the way

And here's to the men and the legends we've known
Teaching us faith and giving us hope
United we stand and united we'll fall
Down to our knees the day we win it all

Ernie Banks said "Oh, let's play two"
Or did he mean 200 years
In the same ball park
Our diamond, our jewel
The home of our joy and our tears
Keeping traditions and wishes made new
A place where our grandfathers, fathers they grew
A spiritual feeling if I ever knew
And if you ain't been I am sorry for you
And when the day comes with that last winning run
And I'm crying and covered in beer
I'll look to the sky and know I was right
To think someday we'll go all the way
Yeah
Someday we'll go all the way
Someday we'll go all the way
Yeah
Someday we'll go all the way
Someday we'll go all the way
Yeah
Someday we'll go all the way
Someday we'll go all the way
Yeah
Someday we'll go all the way
Someday we'll go all the way

Week 5 NFL picks

2008-10-03T17:43:00.003-05:00

I knew it was too good to last. A 22-9 start came crashing down last week, although I could have inched to within a game of .500 hadn't LT friggin run that last one in when they were just trying to run out the clock. Grrrr.

But I have to say that I feel much better about this week. (Although I feel good about the Cubs' chances to comeback, too, so what does that tell you?)

Let's get to the picks.

(16 points) GREEN BAY minus-6.5 over ATLANTA
--> The Falcons have been surprisingly good at home. This, though, is about the farthest thing from the Georgia Dome. Even if Aaron Rodgers doesn't play, Greg Jennings can still catch it, no matter who's throwing it. And it's about time Matt Ryan figures out what a cheesehead is.
Last week: Chiefs 33, Broncos (-8.5) 19 (I told you I hate road-division favorites.)

(15 points) SAN DIEGO minus-6.5 over MIAMI
--> I had been with the Chargers all season, but for some unknown reason I went against them last week. Well, I am back on the bandwagon, and I ain't getting off again until they prove me wrong. Who cares if the Fish are on a rare one-game winning streak.
Last week: Titans (-3.5) 30, Vikings 17 (If I would have lost this one, it would have been real ugly last week.)

(14 points) JACKSONVILLE minus-3.5 over PITTSBURGH
--> The Steelers are almost as beat up as the Saints. And Big Ben must feel like he's been in a couple more motorcycle accidents. The Jags are coming off a close win against Houston, and this will be a big one in determining whether they are one of the AFC's elite. I think they are.
Last week: Bucs 30, Packers (+1.5) 21 (Another case of bad luck with Rodgers going down.)

(13 points) INDIANAPOLIS minus-3.5 over HOUSTON
--> You'd think I would have learned my lesson picking against the Texans in a divisional game after last week. But even though I said I was leaving the Colts alone after they hosed me again, I just can't believe they're not better than they've showed. And a week off for old bodies had to do them some good.
Last week: Steelers 23, Ravens (+7.5) 23, OT (Monday night magic! I'm 3-0)

(12 points) CHICAGO minus-3.5 over DETROIT
--> Is this for real? Am I missing something? I usually shy away from spread which are too good to be true, but this is a joke. The Lions are the worst team in football -- with or without Matt Millen -- and the Bears have played above my expectations so far. And there's no such thing as a trap game. No way. No how.
Last week: Bears 24, Eagles (-3.5) 20 (I still don't get it.)

(11 points) NEW ENGLAND minus-3.5 over SAN FRANCISCO
--> This is the week we all find out if the Patsies really are that mediocre. My guess is that they aren't. And besides, it's hard to fathom that a pissed off Bill Belichick with a week to prepare for the Niners won't have his troops ready to rout.
Last week: Panthers (-6.5) 24, Falcons 9 (At least I had one easy pick ... don't know why this wasn't higher.)

(10 points) NEW ORLEANS minus-2.5 over MINNESOTA
--> Not sure if last week was the real Saints or a fluke, but if they play like that again, the Vikes are in for a two-touchdown whipping. Of course, if last year's Saints show back up, Adrian Peterson could rush for 250 yards, four touchdowns and make it 41-10. We still like Deuce and da boys.
Last week: Bills 31 (-8.5), Rams 14 (Whew. Glad the Rams really are THAT bad.)

(9 points) CAROLINA minus-9.5 over KANSAS CITY
--> The Chiefs and Falcons have a lot in common. Both seem to be tough at home and just plain awful on the road. The Panthers, meanwhile, have been steady, and steady should be more than enough to wax the Arrow Heads.
Last week: Jaguars 30 (-7.5), Texans 27 (Still not sure where that Houston team came from.)

(8 points) SEATTLE plus-6.5 over NY GIANTS
--> So what if they're the defending champs and the Seahawks have been anything but impressive? The Birds are coming off a bye week, and they're starting to get healthy. Just don't bet the house on it, even if the house ain't worth much these days.
Last week: Redskins 26, Cowboys (-11.5) 24 (Hindsight 20-20, but that was wayyy too many points to give up.)

(7 points) BALTIMORE plus-2.5 over TENNESSEE
--> We all know the Titans aren't that good. Meanwhile, I like what I see so far out of Joe Flacco. That team is going to be much better with Harbaugh running the show, and the defense will be the same old Ravens defense.
Last week: Saints (-6.5) 31, 49ers 17 (Too easy.)

(6 points) DENVER minus-3.5 over TAMPA BAY
--> Back at home for the Broncos, who are ready to restart The Jay Cutler Show. Forget about last week's hiccup ... this is might be the NFL's second-most potent offense to Dallas. And the Bucs' D isn't exactly the Bucs' D of old. Well, they are old.
Last week: Chargers 28 (-7.5), Raiders 18 (I had this one. I had this one. Dammit, LT.)

(5 points) BUFFALO plus-.5 over ARIZONA
--> Another team I can't bet against until they lose. And after last week's dismantling, why again are the Cardinals basically an even line against an undefeated team? Did the bookies watch what Old Man Favre did to them?
Last week: Browns 20, Bengals (-3.5) 12 (Ugh.)

(4 points) PHILADELPHIA minus-5.5 over WASHINGTON
--> Maybe I should have learned a lesson last week with the Skinsies. And I will if they prove me wrong again, but I still have the Eagles pegged to make the NFC championship game, and that would mean -- in my warped mind -- that they should win this one by a touchdown or so.
Last week: Jets 56, Cardinals (+2.5) 35 (Has Anquan Boldin regain consciousness yet?)

(3 points) DALLAS minus-13.5 over CINCINNATI
--> When do we think Marvin Lewis is going to get fired? This is a whole heckuva lotta points to give to any NFL team, but the Bengals won't be able to stop a Romo-led team which is looking to get back to its dominant ways.
Last week: No pick

HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 4: 5-8, 56 points
OVERALL AGAINST DA SPREAD: 27-17 (.614), 248 points (83 per week)

TP Sports Pool standings: Me 248, MLC 247, JLE 242, Lopes 221, Gene Pool 219, JRap 218, LR 203, KVP 191, PVW 188, WWB 184, DJW 127

I talk to myself

2008-10-01T20:52:00.003-05:00

When you're a long-time Cubs fan, sometimes it helps to talk to yourself. Who cares if anyone else thinks you're crazy? You sort of have to be a little nuts to root for a team that hasn't won the World Series in 100 years.

One hundred years. I am not sure I can grasp how long that really is. You can put it into context and tell me that Teddy Roosevelt was president 100 years ago, or oil was hardly needed back then and probably cost something like 16 cents a barrel or that even no one lived in Alaska back then, and therefore couldn't see Russia from their backyard without Galileo's telescope.

The best way I can even begin to fathom the length of time this has been is that my beloved grandfather, a man I loved almost as much as my Cubbies and who died at the age of 92 in 1995 was 6 when the Cursed Wonders were last world champs. And that, I can dig, is a really, really long time ago.

I cannot stress how much I want my favorite sports team on the planet to get this frickin 4,000-ton gorilla (wow, that would be a damned big gorilla) off their back. But it's for more than just the simple reason of wanting what I have never had before and something that would in all likelihood finish in the top 3 moments of my life.

I want this historic run of futility to be over so people will just shut the hell up. That includes all the fans of other teams who already have won (sometimes multiple) World Series. Yes, shut up. I want fans of other teams who haven't won to shut up. I want people who aren't fans of any team to shut up.

JUST SHUT UP!

I can comprehend that telling people to shut up is about as mature as talking to one's self. This, though is what it has come to.

All this rambling leads me to tonight's NL Divisional Series Game 1 loss to the Dodgers.

I did a lot of mumbling to myself. (You can ask JLE, who was sitting across from me and although she's a Cubs fan, it had to be somewhat humorous for her.) All of this while trying to work and keep my sanity and trying not to jump out of my chair every time something went wrong.

Just so I don't keep it all bottled up, let me let y'all in on some of this conversation ...

Me: Yes, a two-run lead. I love that DeRosa. He has come through in plenty of clutch situations this season. I hope Dempster stops freakin walking people and we can get it to Marmol and Woody with the lead. You think we can do it?

Me: I feel good about it, but the walks are worrying me. They've got to yank him if he can't find control.

(Thirty minutes later. Grand slam. 4-2 Dodgers.)

Me: See I told you. What the hell is Lou thinking? You had to get him out of there.

Me: Come on, don't blame Lou. He is the reaosn why we're here.

Me: Yeah, and Dusty Baylor (that's what I call him) got the Giants to the World Series. I want results, dammit!

Me: It's only Game 1, jackass. Calm the F down. We've got Big Z going tomorrow, and when we even it up, we just need to win one in L.A.

You get the picture. I think you can understand why it really is so important for the Cubs to get this schneid over with and just win a title.

Win it for The Goat. Win it for The Bartman. Win it for The Curse.

Just win it, for God's sake, so normal people will stop walking down the street saying, "Look honey, there goes another poor Cubs fan. He's talking to himself."

Top office quotes (Hon. mention)

2008-10-01T20:12:00.002-05:00

Usually, honorable mention is last. But this one happened after I already had started, and it might have cracked the top 5, had I not set them up. We'll even call it an extra honorable mention.

And P.S. we're really glad Metry Mama is paying attention, because we were wondering for a while. She asked last night, "Where the hell is this extra quote? You promised an extra quote, and I want it, dammit. You had plenty of time."

So here it is Mama:

AUGUST 21, 2008
JLE (don't know what caused this, but it really doesnt matter): "I am vaginally impaired." (I can't make this stuff up.)

UPDATE AUGUST 26, 2008
"I meant that it was some sort of handicap. Not that I don't have one."

Top 20 office quotes (No. 1)

2008-09-27T19:39:00.002-05:00

It's time for No. 1 boys and girls!!! An honorable mention will be posted Tuesday ... it would have made the top 10, but came in after we started. I'm sure you're all waiting with baited breath. (The color of type is a hint on whom it's from.)

AND THE NO. 1 QUOTE IS ...
JANUARY 17, 1994
A caller to DJW: "You are racist white trash, a racist confederate bastard."
DJW: "Nope, I believe I was on the other side in that war."

Top 20 office quote (No. 2)

2008-09-26T17:41:00.002-05:00

Somewhere, I'm sure Metry Mama is saying, "Thank God this office quote crap is almost over."

APRIL 12, 2008:
I jokingly tell JRap, "You wanna just kick The Gene Pool's ass for the fun of it?"

Peanut chuckles.

I say, "Peanut, you have a sinister side, don't you?"

Peanut: "Well, that's not even a challenge. Even I can kick The Gene Pool's ass."

Week 4 NFL picks

2008-09-26T16:38:00.005-05:00

Two good weeks in a row. That's a scary thing, but of course I wasn't smart enough to place my money on these prognostications. We'll try it again, and if we have another 10-plus win week, it's about time to contact my favorite bookie.

Here we go:

(16 points) DENVER minus-8.5 over KANSAS CITY
--> Even though this is my top pick, it's no gimme. Like I said in Week 2, it's a scary proposition to pick a road favorite in a division game, especially giving this many points. But the Chiefs are awful and have no passing game, where the Broncos are most vulnerable.
Last week: Cowboys (-2.5) 27, Packers 16 (correct pick)

(15 points) TENNESSEE minus-3.5 over MINNESOTA
--> It is incredulous that it took this long for Brad Childress to figure out Tarvaris Jackson isn't good enough to play quarterback in the NFL. And while Adrian Peterson is just waiting to give that big boost to the Vikes, it's somehow a surprise to everyone that the longest-tenured coach in the league, Jeff Fisher, once again has a good team.
Last week: Dolphins 38, Patriots (-12.5) 13 (incorrect pick, bastard Patsies cost me in the Suicide Pool)

(14 points) GREEN BAY minus-1.5 over TAMPA BAY
--> The Packers losing big to Dallas doesn't say they aren't a good team; rather it says they aren't an elite team. Meanwhile, the Bucs have a long way to go to impress me, and a team with quarterback problems shouldn't be able to beat one as well-rounded as the Pack.
Last week: Jaguars 23, Colts (-5.5) 21 (incorrect pick, like I promised, I'm officially off Colts bandwagon. Grrrrr.)

(13 points) BALTIMORE plus-7.5 over PITTSBURGH
--> Speaking of quarterback problems, it's starting to look like there's more wrong with Big Ben than the Steelers are letting on. Besides, for some reason Rashard Mendenhall (who's starting in place of Willie Parker) decided to give the Ravens some bulletin-board material. Smart move, rook.
Last week: Vikings 20, Panthers (+3.5) 13 (incorrect pick, Carolina choke choke cough cough)

(12 points) PHILADELPHIA minus-3.5 over CHICAGO
--> I'm not sure what my deal is with picking road favs, but it seems to be working. Besides, the Bears aren't all that great at home, and I am still sticking with my statement that the Eagles are the second-best team in the NFC.
Last week: Bucs (+2.5) 27, Bears 24, OT (correct pick, luckee luckee)

(11 points) CAROLINA minus-6.5 over ATLANTA
--> Obviously, the Falcons can beat up on the bad teams. That's probably going to be the only teams they can beat up on. Not that the Panthers have been world-beaters, but they're back at home and have a stout defense that should put a clamp on Matt Ryan and Michael Turner.
Last week: Giants 26, Bengals (+12.5) 23, OT (correct pick, I told you to never let the Giants lay double-digit points)

(10 points) BUFFALO minus-8.5 over ST. LOUIS
--> I must have been high last week to think the Rams could cover a spread. So what if they're at home this week? Can't wait to see what the man-geniuses Haslett and Venturi have in store for the upstart Bills.
Last week: Chargers (-8.5) 48, Jets 29 (correct pick, maybe the Bretts are worse that I thought)

(9 points) JACKSONVILLE minus-7.5 over HOUSTON
--> Another bandwagon I have leaped off is the Texans. They have no running game, and Matt Schaub isn't surprising anyone. The Jags showed real moxie last week, and I think I originally didn't give them enough credit. Well, that's changed now.
Last week: 49ers (-3.5) 31, Lions 13 (correct pick, can't wait til Thanksgiving to watch a full Lions game ... NOT)

(8 points) DALLAS minus-11.5 over WASHINGTON
--> Until somebody stops this locomotive, you just can't bet against the Cowboys. That includes here against a much-improved Redskins team.
Last week: Eagles (-3.5) 15, Steelers 6 (correct pick)

(7 points) NEW ORLEANS minus-6.5 over SAN FRANCISCO
--> I hate picking the Saints this high (so that tells you what I think about the remainder of my picks), but my gut is usually right about these guys. I think they're going to start quick and hold Frank Gore down just enough to win by a touchdown or maybe 10.
Last week: Ravens (-2.5) 28, Browns 10 (correct pick)

(6 points) OAKLAND plus-7.5 over SAN DIEGO
--> The anger is out of the Chargers system, and while I think they're one of the top three teams in the AFC, something just ain't right with LT. And if they don't have him at full strength, it's going to be tough to rout anyone. Even Oakland.
Last week: Redskins (-2.5) 24, Cardinals 17 (correct pick)

(5 points) CINCINNATI minus-3.5 over CLEVELAND
--> The hoax is over; the Browns really are bad. Meanwhile, the Bengals are ready to resume their perch among the middle of mediocrity.
Last week: Titans 31, Texans (+4.5) 12 (incorrect pick, I need to take my own advice about the Titans)

(4 points) ARIZONA plus-2.5 over NY JETS
--> Seriously, why do oddsmakers keep putting faith in the Jets? Because of a 38-year-old quarterback? They need a lot more to resurrect this group than Favre. Meanwhile, I still say the Cardinals are being overlooked.
Last week: Falcons (-3.5) 38, Chiefs 14 (correct pick)

Other picks last week: Bills 24, Raiders (+8.5) 23 (correct, 3 pts); Seahawks 37, Rams (+9.5) 13 (incorrect, 2 pts, yes I really picked St. Louis); Broncos 34, Saints (+5.5) 32 (correct, 1 pt).

HOW DA CMMSH FARED IN WEEK 3: 11-5, 87 points
OVERALL AGAINST DA SPREAD: 22-9 (.710), 192 points (96 per week)

TP Sports Pool standings: Me 192, LR 155, JRap 153, JLE 144, Gene Pool 141, PVW 136, Lopes 135, MLC 129, WWB 127, KVP 112, DJW 74

KVP's got ya back

2008-09-25T22:30:00.004-05:00

It's sort of an office ritual to mess with The Gene Pool (as seen by a blog I wrote about two weeks ago). I have to give it to the kid, he's got spunk, and he usually takes the ribbing well.

Sometimes, though, you can tell you hurt his feelings. Unlike most of the people I banter with, I actually feel bad when I hurt his feelings. It's almost like messing with the team mascot. He's just doing his job, dammit!

MLC usually hits him a little harder than I do, but for some reason, he usually takes it harder when I hit a little below the belt. I dunno, maybe it's my presentation. ;)

Here's some back and forth banter from Thursday night while we wait for the end of the Tulane game. Check out the last quote. I deserved it.

Gene Pool: "So what happens if the Astros sweep their last series, and the Brewers and Mets get swept?" (Houston is 3 1/2 back with three games to play.)

Me: "What difference does it make? They're too far back. I think they're officially eliminated. The Mets have 88 wins."

TGP: "They're not officially eliminated. The Mets can finish 88-74, and the Astros can finish 88-74. Would they have to make up the game with the Cubs on Monday?"

Me: "Will you just give it up? They're not going to play that God damned game."

TGP: "Well, they could."

Me: "Give it up, already. Who gives a shit, anyway?"

TGP: "(Clearly annoyed and looking straight at Marcus for some unknown reason) I'm just saying it's not impossible. JESUS."

Me: "Who the f*** are you talking to?"

TGP: "(Pouting voice) You."

Me: "You’re looking at Marcus, but talking to me. That makes sense."

Me as I get up and look into the corner of the room away from everyone: "(Loud) God Dammit, Marcus."

The office, except for TGP laughs in unison.

GDG: "You’re an asshole."

Me: "You’re just figuring out after five years that I’m an asshole?"

KVP: "You must not have read the scouting report."

Me: "(Pause) I have to give it to you, though, my wife and I have been together for three years, and she doesn’t know I’m an asshole yet."

KVP: "Yeah, but the difference is you don’t have to pay Gene when she figures it out."

Doggin it

2008-09-25T21:54:00.002-05:00

Many times, especially at the airport, I feel as if security has reached a level of absurdity. I understand why government officials deem it necessary, and the reason, in my opinion, is not so much to protect the public, but rather to cover their own ass.

I mean, what good does making people take off their shoes really do? That one attempted shoe bomber, and now we all have to suffer by waiting in ridiculous lines to get on a plane. It's just damned aggravating.

Now before you all go off and think to yourself, "Well, shit Derry, we wouldn't want your patience to be tested in favor of national security," here's a perfect example of what I'm talking about.

Here's a story today from The Associated Press, which I thought was hilarious and wanted to share:

After a bomb scare at the Philadelphia Phillies’ ballpark, authorities pointed the finger at a fuzzy green suspect — The Phillie Phanatic.

Hours before the Phillies-Atlanta Braves’ game on Wednesday night, a film crew shot a commercial of the mascot shooting heavily wrapped hot dogs from a launcher.

But someone inadvertently left three of the duct taped hot dogs outside the ballpark, sparking security fears. Stadium employees were evacuated and the bomb squad was called in.

Only after the packages were blown up did authorities realize they’d just exploded some sausages.

“We saw something that looked suspicious,” said Michael Stiles, Phillies senior vice president, administration and operations. “We did the right thing. It turned out to be nothing. We could have gone over and picked it up and thrown it in the trash and been done with it. But if we had been wrong, somebody might have lost an arm.”

After the detonation, the game went on as scheduled.

“I’d rather them blow up some hot dogs or some ketchup and mustard and relish than have it be a real bomb,” reliever Chad Durbin said. “Better safe than sorry.”

Top 20 office quotes (No. 3)

2008-09-25T21:51:00.002-05:00

MARCH 17, 1999:
Ex-TP employee CTG after someone said some Auburn player's name rings a bell: "Well, Quasimoto rings a bell, but that doesn't tell me anything."

Top 20 office quotes (No. 4)

2008-09-24T22:45:00.002-05:00

JUNE 20, 2003:
JLE (46 hours and 25 minutes after getting her engagement ring and 30 minutes after saying, "It's just my first marriage"): "I can't wait to get pregnant and use my sick days."

Top 20 office quotes (No. 5)

2008-09-23T22:29:00.003-05:00

The top 5 begins ... Hope you think they're better than Metry Mama thought about the first 15.

JANUARY 23, 2000
SEA (after I told her my ex-bloodsucker wanted a platinum setting in her ring): "Uh, no. She's a greedy B. Don't buy her platinum, buy the bitch white gold."

P.S. In the 15 years I have known her, I think I have heard SEA say 15 cuss words.

Top 20 office quotes (No. 6)

2008-09-20T22:41:00.001-05:00

November 17, 1995:
PVW: "Wow, Curtis plays Salmen next week. It'll be Number 1 vs. Number 2 . . . Ewwww, that game is going to stink."

Week 3 NFL picks

2008-09-18T22:52:00.002-05:00

Well, I had a great week last week, picking 10 winners in 15 games. In fact, seven of my eight top picks went in the win column. Too bad, though, I didn't follow my own advice and actually make any wagers. If I have another week like that, I just may have to indulge a bit. I will say that I don't feel nearly as confident about this batch as I did of the last.

Let's go to the picks:

(16 points) DALLAS minus-2.5 over GREEN BAY
--> I am never a fan of picking against a home dog which has been playing well. The thing here, though is I think the Cowboys are the best team in the NFC, and quite possibly, the NFL. With another chance to prove their worth, look for the Starheads to win by 10 or more.
Last week: Patriots (+2.5) 19, Jets 10 (correct pick)

(15 points) NEW ENGLAND minus-12.5 over MIAMI
--> The oddsmakers still don't quite get it that the Patriots aren't THAT much worse without Brady. They've come around a bit -- last week making them a dog against the Jets (Were you kidding me?) -- but this same game last year would have been about a 20-point spread. Take the Pats one more week before everyone wises up, and laugh at everyone else.
Last week: Colts (-2.5) 18, Vikings 15 (correct pick ... whew)

(14 points) INDIANAPOLIS minus-5.5 over JACKSONVILLE
--> This is the week the Colts break out, even if it is against one of the league's tougher defenses. And by the way, if this isn't the week, I will be jumping off the Colts' bandwagon like investors were jumping off stocks Monday and Wednesday.
Last week: Redskins 29, Saints (-.5) 24 (incorrect, very incorrect, pick)

(13 points) CAROLINA plus-3.5 over MINNESOTA
--> The Vikings finally realized they need to stop using Tarvaris Jackson at QB, but Gus Frerotte can't be the answer. Didn't he bang his head into a brick wall like 15 years ago? The dude just ain't right, and Carolina moves to 3-0.
Last week: Packers (-3.5) 48, Lions 25 (correct pick)

(12 points) TAMPA BAY plus-2.5 over CHICAGO
--> An even better choice would be the under, whatever the hell it is. Honestly, I think the only way I lose this one is if Robbie Gould kicks a late field goal to give the Bears a 3-0 win.
Last week: Broncos (+2.5) 39, Chargers 38 (correct pick, thanks Mr. Hochuli)

(11 points) CINCINNATI plus-12.5 over NY GIANTS
--> Am I mad? Just plain stupid? So the Bengals have been awful, but the Giants shouldn't be giving 12 1/2 points to anyone. And if they're up by 14 in the waning minutes, my man Ocho Cinco will come through for me.
Last week: Panthers 20, Bears (+3.5) 17 (correct pick, thanks half-a-pernt)

(10 points) SAN DIEGO plus-8.5 over NY JETS
--> Now while these new Jets aren't exactly an offensive juggernaut, they're certainly better with No. 4 under center. The thing here is, though, I expect the Chargers to be pissed and play like Favre is Ed Hochuli.
Last week: Giants (-8.5) 41, Rams 13 (correct pick, thanks Mr. Haslett)

(9 points) SAN FRANCISCO minus-3.5 over DETROIT
--> Didn't Jon Kitna again predict the Lions would win 10 games? I'm not sure they could win 10 games against the spread if they were underdogs to the Dolphins for the next 13 weeks. (Sorry Gene Pool.)
Last week: Bills (+6.5) 20, Jaguars 16 (correct pick)

(8 points) PHILADELPHIA plus-3.5 over PITTSBURGH
--> Big Ben is banged up, and the Eagles are flying high offensively, despite losing last week to T.O. and the boys. Make me even more aggravated that I couldn't keep bidding on DeSean Jackson.
Last week: Buccaneers 24, Falcons (+8.5) 9 (incorrect pick, what was I thinking?)

(7 points) BALTIMORE minus-2.5 over CLEVELAND
--> The Ravens got an unexpected week off to prepare for the Browns. Does any team really need a week of to prepare for the Browns?
Last week: Raiders (+3.5) 23, Chiefs 8 (correct pick, shees the Chefs are bad)

(6 points) WASHINGTON minus-2.5 over ARIZONA
--> This was a toughie, because I really think the Cardinals are headed for 10 or 11 wins. But that's mostly because of their piss-poor division, and last week the Skins showed what they can do against a passing team.
Last week: Cardinals 31, Dolphins (+6.5) 10 (incorrect pick, note to self: Don't ever pick Dolphins again)

(5 points) HOUSTON plus-4.5 over TENNESSEE
--> The hurricane certainly didn't help the Astros, but this team's a little different. Like, maybe, just maybe, they won't feel sorry for themselves and constantly cry about what their millionaire asses had to endure.
Last week: Titans (+1.5) 24, Bengals 7 (correct pick, need a drink Mr. Collins?)

(4 points) ATLANTA minus-4.5 KANSAS CITY
--> On one hand, I was thinking how in the hell could the Falcons be giving anyone points. But then I realized they were playing the Chefs, and suddenly this pick wasn't so tough.
Last week: Steelers 10, Browns (+6.5) 6 (correct pick, thanks Mother Nature)

(3 points) OAKLAND plus-8.5 over BUFFALO
--> Sort of in line with picking against the Cardinals, I don't like picking against the Bills, either, as they are my surprise AFC team. But their offense is facing a tough D, and Got Dat Wood looks like he's the real deal.
Last week: Cowboys 41, Eagles (+6.5) 37 (correct pick)

(2 points) ST. LOUIS plus-9.5 over SEATTLE
--> If this doesn't tell you what I think of the Seahawks, I'm not sure how to make it any clearer. They are just awful. And P.S. I know the Rams are awfuller.
Last week: 49ers 33, Seahawks (+8.5) 30, OT (incorrect pick)

(1 point) NEW ORLEANS plus-5.5 over DENVER
--> A couple of things before you go out and officially declare me crazy. The Saints aren't as bad as they played last week, and the Broncos aren't that good. Still, while I realize Jay Cutler is bound to have a great day, I think Drew Brees will have an even better one.
Last week: no pick, hurricane

HOW DA CMMSH HAS FARED: 105 points, 11-4 record
OVERALL: 105 points, 11-4 record

Top 20 office quotes (No. 7)

2008-09-18T22:52:00.000-05:00

January 18, 1996:
Pete: "You just dont go jumping into num-nums these days, pal."

Top 20 office quotes (No. 8)

2008-09-17T22:20:00.001-05:00

Feb. 9, 2004 (MLC, after being told that AXM had her baby the day after she trained MLC for harris, and KVP had to go to the ER the day he was supposed to train MLC on slot):
"I want to work with Richard next."

It's in The Gene Pool

2008-09-13T20:57:00.016-05:00

It's well-known around the office that Metry Mama is looking for just the right girl for The Gene Pool. I, though, have my own suggestions. And while they all don't meet all the requirements TGP has set for a potential mate, we'll work something out.

Now as unrealistic as they are, I think if we tried hard enough, we could hook him up with someone. Here's my top four (I was too lazy to do five):

4. REBECCA LOBO (shown here with The Gene Pool)
--> Now while she blasts his height requirement out of the water, I'm like pretty sure she fits at least three of the other four conditions. I like have never heard her say like. I am positive she has her own money. She's an athlete, so there's a strong likelihood she's not a smoker. Although, I have no way of knowing whether or not she's a slut. But then again, if you're going to break one of the other requirements, this seems like the best. Of course, she's married now, but we can definitely change all that if she knows TGP is interested. BTW, MLC says this could be the wedding photo.

3. LORENA BOBBITT
--> She's 5-2, so she seems perfect! And we already know she's a cut up, just like TGP. Think of all the fun they could have together. The only thing I would say is it's probably not a good idea to piss her off. My suggestion is: "Yes, dear. No. Dear." And one other thing, if she wants to play a game of turtle, forget it. You don't want her to cut the cheese or anything else, for that matter.

2. HOLLY HUNTER
--> Forget how mad she appears to be here at this suggestion. (This photo was taken right after we told her. We think Hunter was mad at being No. 3.) She seems to fit all the requirements, and her best quality is she played a mute woman in The Piano. We all know how much TGP likes to talk, and this way, he'd never have to worry about her interrupting him. Hunter also played in Broadcast News, and she had to have learned that it usually works out best not to go for the coolest guy in the newsroom. Of course, it probably wouldn't have worked out for her, either, if she ended up with Albert Brooks character, but TGP is much cooler than him.

1. AMY POEHLER
--> The only one of the five women who might be good enough for the TCC to accept. Remember when she played the girl with Tourette's Syndrome in Deuce Bigalow? Not only did she like Sports -- she was a huge hit at an Los Angeles Angels game -- but she had some choice words for the play of her new favorite team. Only down side is that there's a strong possibility the Angels could play the Cubs in the World Series. We're not sure what would happen then. Oh, and I'm sorry the best pic I could find was her with another guy.

Top 20 office quotes (No. 9)

2008-09-13T20:55:00.001-05:00

Nov. 16, 2002 (A married couple are separated after just four months from a wedding that she went to in August.):
JLE: "Something about the bride and the photographer. I don't know. Who needs Jerry Springer when you have St. Bernard?"

NFL Week 2 picks

2008-09-12T18:20:00.005-05:00

So I missed starting it last week, but with the opening of the TP Sports Desk Pool, I figured I'd make my picks public for the (my little) world to see.

(16 points) NEW ENGLAND plus-2.5 over NY JETS
--> This might be the easiest pick I have seen in two years. This is the 16-0 Patriots against the 4-12 Jets, right? So what if Brady's gone and Favre is in the Big Apple? The Patriots still have Randy Moss and a defense that will make No. 4 wonder why he wanted to face them twice a season.

(15) INDIANAPOLIS minus-2.5 over MINNESOTA
--> Why doesn everyone think the Vikings are so improved, and the Colts are that much worse? Five words: Peyton Manning versus Tarvaris Jackson.

(14) NEW ORLEANS minus-.5 over WASHINGTON
--> This one would have been right up there with the Patsies, if not for all the Saints' injuries. It won't matter this week, but it might down against Denver next week.

(13) GREEN BAY minus-3.5 over DETROIT
--> If the Lions' home opener is anything like their road opener, 30.5 points might not be enough. Detroit's defense is awful, and Greg Jennings is licking his chops.

(12) DENVER plus-2.5 over SAN DIEGO
--> A gambler's rule to live by when betting on the NFL: You better be damned sure you're right if you take a road favorite in a division game. That's why the Broncos look so Mile High good here.

(11) CHICAGO plus-3.5 over CAROLINA
--> Carolina got lucky in San Diego last week, while the old Bears defense looks like it is back. Look for the old Panthers to come back this week -- no offense and an average defense.

(10) NY GIANTS minus-8.5 over ST. LOUIS
--> Are the Rams really that bad? More specifically, is the Rams defense that bad? Have you checked the fact sheet to see who their defensive coordinator is? That would make the answer to the first two questions a definitive yes.

(9) BUFFALO plus-6.5 over JACKSONVILLE
--> I didn't have the guts to move this one a little higher, but this is one of my favorite picks of the week. I think the Bills are for real, especially if their defense is as good as it was last week. Buffalo is my surprise pick this season.

(8) ATLANTA plus-8.5 over TAMPA BAY
--> I know, you know and Mike Smith knows the Falcons aren't as good as they played last week. But one thing for sure is that the Bucs aren't as good as the "experts" think they are, either.

(7) OAKLAND plus-3.5 over KANSAS CITY
--> When two bad teams face off, usually the home team is the safest pick. I just can't see, though, either team will win by more than three points. I know, I know, not the most ringing of endorsements for the Raiders.

(6) MIAMI plus-6.5 over ARIZONA
--> I was impressed with what I saw of the Dolphins last weekend, although the Cardinals' receivers are better than the Jets' WRs. But Kurt Warner/Matt Leinart are no Brett Favre.

(5) TENNESSEE plus-1.5 over CINCINNATI
--> This is one of the tougher picks of the week, because it's so hard to predict which Bengals team will show up. The thing is, for the past season the bad Bengals are much more likely to show than the good Bengals.

(4) CLEVELAND plus-6.5 over PITTSBURGH
--> Big Ben is roughed up a bit, and the Browns are ready to bounce back. I don't know what the over is in this one, but jump on it ... real quick ... before it goes up again.

(3) PHILADELPHIA plus-6.5 over DALLAS
--> I sort of feel sorry for the Eagles, who have to play in the toughest division in football. I still think, though, if anyone is going to give the Cowboys a run for their money in the NFC East, it's going to be Philly and not the Giants.

(2) SEATTLE minus-8.5 over SAN FRANCISCO
--> It's easy why this one is last. Although I think San Francisco is pretty bad, I am not all that sure the Seahawks aren't a 6-10 team. Of course, 6-10 might be good enough to win the NFC West.

(1) HOUSTON minus-4.5 over BALTIMORE (editor's note: moved this to 1 Sat.)
--> I think the better bet is that this game isn't played this week (see my rant on Drayton McClane and Bud Selig in yesterday's blog). But if it is, the Ravens will have a tough time finding the end zone with their pathetic offense.

FANTASY MUST STARTS OF THE WEEK
QBs: Aaron Rodgers, Eli Manning. ... The shocker: J.T. O'Sullivan
RBs: Clinton Portis, Larry Johnson, Earnest Graham ... The shocker: Julius Jones
WRs: Greg Jennings, Brandon Marshall, Larry Fitzgerald ... The shocker: Devery Henderson
TE: Heath Miller ... The shocker: Kevin Boss
K: Martin Gramatica ... The shocker: Robbie Gould

Houston, you have an idiot problem

2008-09-11T16:05:00.007-05:00

It's no secret I think Astros fans are the worst Sports fans on the planet. That's right ... not worst the baseball fans. THE worst Sports fans ever to exist.

Now, it's obvious their owner is one of them. I'll go back to their fans later.

My question is has Astros owner Drayton McClane ever been through a hurricane before? Has he ever been within 50 miles of an eye wall? How bout 100 miles? I am assuming he has since he was born in Cameron, Texas, and has lived in the state nearly all of his life, according to Wikipedia. In case he's forgotten, those things do just a little damage.

The reason I ask is his team seems to be doing everything they can to make the Cubs fly in there at some point this weekend to play baseball. While he postponed Friday's and Saturday's games, there have been no plans to reschedule. And Sunday's game is in limbo.

Maybe he missed it on the news, but less than 50 miles to his south, there is a mandatory evacuation for Galveston, and Houston is sure to be next. Even if Ike decides to take a southerly turn, Houston will be severely affected (as we were with Gooostav last week). Also, one glance at CNN -- and I am certain his local channels -- suggests that people already are leaving the city in droves.

Does the guy really think anyone will show up either Sunday or Monday (a scheduled off day for both teams)? Does he even consider there's a good chance that even if Minute Maid Park does not sustain structural damage, the power might be off? Does he consider the Cubs probably wouldn't be able to fly into town, because in all likelihood both airports will be closed? Does he realize he is putting his own staff in danger?

The Astros have one of the worst fan bases in the game anyway. Sure, they show up when the team is winning, which is why I guess McClane is so hell-bent on staying, because as of this post, the Junction Jacks have somehow, miraculously, pulled out 13 of their past 14. People are excited again with false hope of making the playoffs.

I understand why they want to play. I can't understand, though, why the decision isn't made to have an alternate plan in place.

There are many other options, while McClane sits on his ass waiting to decide what to do. Take one of those options NOW. The team plays the Pirates tonight (which should have been postponed, as well). Leave the city immediately after it's over. It doesn't have to be in Chicago; tell the Cubs to stay in St. Louis and play it there. See if Atlanta is available. Play at some minor-league park in Alaska. Just forget about staying in Houston. It's not going to happen.

What this could end up causing is both teams being screwed later. IF -- and that's a big IF -- they can play Sunday night and maybe a doubleheader Monday, that causes a world of hurt to a pitching staff. It won't hurt the Cubs, whose magic number to clinch a playoff berth at this moment is 9, nearly as bad as his own team, assuming they really do have a chance to get back in the race.

And the fans? No clue. Absolutely no clue.

Yes, these same fans who think there is a "halftime" in baseball (I heard a 50-year-old man say this during my trip in July) and that each team's fans have their own side at each team's ballpark.

Here are a few comments on the Houston Chronicle's site from the geniuses following the story which said it was unsure what the team would do:

"jdloyman wrote: as hot as the astros are right now please dont cancel the games to be made up later we can whip chicago and move even closer to winning the division (they're 8 1/2 games out with 17 to play) or the wildcard. move the games to college station (where Ike will hit after it leaves Houston) or dell diamond in round rock (ditto) but play we are too hot right now."

"Lmgarvin wrote: A 1:05 game will be at least 12 hours before landfall, and they should be able to play. Astros staffers and players, as well as fans, should have finished their storm preparations by now if they've been paying attention."

"LonghornJ wrote: Close the roof and play ball!"

The intelligence level has just shot through that glass ceiling they have there.

There was one interesting comment, though. And I assume it was written by a Cubs fan:

"PaulTanner wrote: Seriously: If a blizzard dumped 18 inches on Chicago in time for opening day, they'd move that series to Houston in a heartbeat. You Astros fans are crazy. If you want the division that badly, you all deserve to drown in floodwaters."

Amen, brother.

Top 20 office quotes (No. 10)

2008-09-10T23:01:00.003-05:00

OK, so I missed a few. That damned Gooostav.

December 30, 1994:
Pete: "Ron Hunter's wife committed suicide in her sleep."

Don't call her Da Wife

2008-09-09T20:57:00.004-05:00

Her name is now Metry Mama.

It has taken me a little while to make it official, but since it was a 5-5 tie between that and Higher Power (the name I liked least), I get to break the deadlock. It is my blog after all.

The name fits her in so many ways, but mostly because she's the best Mama I know, and well, she lives in Metry. Now I'm not trying to kiss up, mind you, but I have to give credit where credit is due: She does it all for our son and me. Since the majority of the must-be-very-bored people who are reading this know me, that's saying a whole lot. How many out there could not only put up with me, but allow me to be me and still be there 25 hours a day.

If had pocket aces for every time she took The Boy to baseball or fixed me dinner or washed our clothes or on and on and on, I'd be giving Phil Hellmuth a run for his money, and she wouldn't need to take him to practice (although she still would).

Why say all this? Maybe I'm in a sappy mood. Maybe I felt like I don't dish out enough compliments. Maybe it's just time to give credit where credit is due. Maybe it's all of the above.

Whatever the case, I just thought I'd give a public thank you to the one who has treated me better than anyone else I have ever met, and I couldn't ask for a better partner in life.

Thanks for being there ... Love ya Mama.

Just another top 10

2008-09-04T20:46:00.002-05:00

Inspired by talk of whom JLE would have a kid with and who she wouldn't, I present my top 10 list of the week:

Top 10 people JLE won’t have babies with:
10. Chad Ocho Cinco: That’s how this all started, and besides, who really wants to name their child Abby Theresa Ocho Cinco?
9. Dana Carvey: What woman in their right mind wants to have a child with a man who has a girl’s name?
8. Jason David: This might be OK if JLE decides to move from New Orleans, but even so, would she really want her kid to be the last one picked when choosing sides for flag football?
7. Cooper Manning: If you’re going to have a kid with a Manning ... do I need to go any further?
6. Tom Cruise: First off, there were reports a while back that he is sterile. Second, do you want your kid to be a midget who’ll go jumping around the living room in his tighty whities when he turns 17?
5. John Bobbitt: No description necessary.
4. Mike Tyson: Nobody wants a crazy kid who goes around biting other kids’ ears off when he gets his marbles stolen. On second thought, you’d know your kid could kick some serious ass.
3. Mayor Ray Nagin: He’s the mother of all assholes, and if JLE had a baby with him, the poor kid would have two mothers.
2. John "Gamby" Giambelluca: Couldn’t stand the thought of her children smelling like 99-cent cologne from K-mart.
1. Ernest Borgnine/Lee Corso: They just look too much like Gamby.

Random thoughts on Gooostav

2008-09-01T21:02:00.003-05:00

With the threat mostly over, I have decided that instead of a dry boring update, I'd rather give you all some little nuggets you might have missed if you weren't awake watching hurricane coverage for about 44 of the past 48 hours. Yes, my eyes are about to bulge out of my head, and I have seen more of Bobby Jindal in two days than I saw of Kathleen Blanco in four years. But here goes:

First, let me give my thumbs up.

TO BOB BRECK for being the first to let us know that we weren't all going to die. A level head, who could tell us he thought those of us staying home were making a mistake, but that we'd probably not have to axe our way out of the attic and live on top the roof for five days.

My favorite moment from the longest-running meteorologist on New Orleans television (and the one I trust the most, although he can be a little loopy sometimes), came late Sunday night about eight hours before Gooostav's arrival. Paraphrased, he said:

"I am looking for any crumb or nugget of good news here, but it seems as if Gooostav is losing a little strength every time I see an advisory. This dry patch of air is wrapping around the storm an taking some of the oomph out of it. Don't get me wrong, this storm will still do damage, but it certainly won't be (slight pause) the Mother of all storms."

SAY WHAT? TOP 5
5. Newell Normand, Jefferson Parish Sheriff
"If you are out driving around Jefferson Parish, you will be stopped and challenged."
Call me duh duh dumb: Does he mean if you get pulled over, a deputy will say, "One, two, three, four, I declare thumb war?"

4. Unidentified WDSU desk reporter
"The storm looks like it is beginning to slow down. The 4 p.m. advisory has it moving northwest at 16 mph."
Call me duh duh dumb: The previous advisory said NW at 17 mph. Whooooa Nellie, that thing is almost at a crawl.

3. Unidentified WVUE field reporter
"You can see here the line of flooding just stops."
Call me duh duh dumb: No. You don't say? I thought maybe this storm was so strong that the entire Earth was covered. It's gotta stop somewhere, MO-ron.

2. Dan Milham, WDSU meteorologist
"As the hurricane pulls away from us, you will see that our winds will begin to decrease."
Call me duh duh dumb: No way? Is that how it works? Now, he has always been one of my favorites, but I am beginning to think the peeps at WDSU ain't the brightest light bulbs in the scoreboard. Margaret Orr, their morning weatherwoman said on numerous occasions how she sent her family to Baton Rouge, where the weather was almost as bad as it was here and had nearly the same percentage of power outages as did metro New Orleans. And she's supposed to give us accurate forecasts. (Oh, and to ramble on for a sec ... I am sick of her saying things along the lines of, "Like I told you yesterday," and "I warned you about ..." Yayyy. You got one or two right in 20 years. You don't need to tell us. If we care, we already know. Act like you've done it before.)

1. Ray Nagin, New Orleans Mayor
"This is the mother of all storms."
"This storm is so powerful and growing more powerful every day, that I'm not sure we've seen anything like it."
"This is the storm of the century. There's not another one that anyone can think about that is as powerful and we really don't know how strong it's going to get."
Call me duh duh dumb: And you're the mother of all assholes. I can't figure out whether he believed that nonsense he was dishing out or whether he was just trying to scare the daylights out of everyone in southeast Louisiana. Either way, there should be public outrage over this. It's fine to say, "You should be scared," and to "Get your butts out." This was WAY over the top. Instead, he caused mass chaos of people getting stuck trying to leave the city. These same people will not believe him next time he tries to beg people to get out; he used his trump card. What could he possibly say next time to get people to leave if we REALLY have the mother of all storms? For four days, this storm was projected to hit land more than 80 miles from New Orleans. Never did it really have the capability of doing to the city what SHE did three years ago. It didn't have the right track, and it continued to lose strength. Even if he did believe it was going to be as bad or worse than HER (which I do not believe for a second), to cause panic is not the way to go. But what do I know? I didn't have to sit in that traffic. Rather I stayed in my own home, slept in my own bed and saved about a thousand bucks. P.S. We already had the storm of the century.

See you all in a few days. Be safe on your trip back.

Gooostav's early

2008-09-01T05:49:00.002-05:00

I suspect that we're beginning to get the worst of what we're going to get.

After 2 1/2 hours of sleep (the most consecutive amount of sleep I've had since Thursday), I woke up to a howling wind at about 5:15 a.m. Monday. Scared that it was a tornado, I walked outside to check, and was somewhat relieved to find that we were just in the middle of an apparent squall.

Winds were coming across at what I would imagine was hurricane force, with sideways-blowing rain. It was as loud as I have heard a rainstorm in some time. After being pounded for nearly a half-hour, it has subsided. I see the radar, though, and I know we still have more to endure.

The good news is the storm is moving rather rapidly, and the worst could be over by mid-morning or noon.

I hopefully will be able to give you another update in a few hours. As of now, we haven't lost any services.

Be safe. God Bless.

So far, not so bad

2008-08-31T23:49:00.004-05:00

Sorry to all that I haven't posted in a couple of days.

Just a little update to my friends who may have left town and wonder what's going on. Figured I'd write a little something while we still have power.

First, anyone with access to DirecTV can watch WDSU coverage live on Channel 361.

As of now (midnight CDT Monday), the weather has not detoriated all that much in Metairie. I did go to work for a few hours, but was allowed to leave at about 9 p.m. Many of the people who went in tonight stayed. I am going to try and head back in the morning, assuming the wind won't blow me off the road and there's no flooding. So far, we haven't received too much rain. My guess is less than a half-inch.

UPDATE (2 a.m. Monday): Conditions remain the same as two hours ago. Little rain, and we still have power. DirecTV still has not gone out. (Knock on wood.) Winds have slightly increased to about 30 mph, with gusts in the 40-45 range.

We had a couple of mini feeder bands come through, but I don't think the wind ever reached 40 mph. I'm sure you all are watching the news, but it looks as if we'll be spared the brunt of Gooostav. I felt confident it was the right thing to do to keep my family here, despite our mayor's over-the-top speech last night that we were all going to die if we stayed. (I will definitely be doing a blog on that in the coming days, but I don't have time to waste my keystrokes on that right now.)

The power is still on, as still is DirecTV. It hasn't even gone out a bit, yet, but I suppose that will change in the coming hours. I will be surprised if the power doesn't go out for at least a little while. (Although I was surprised that I was able to leave work. I fully intended on staying there tonight.)

We are hoping this takes even a miniscule jog to the west. Even 20 or 30 more miles than the projected landfall could save the Westbank from some severe flooding. Here in Metairie, we aren't expecting much water, and it's beginning to look like we won't even have sustained hurricane-force winds.

Before I sign off, everyone should know that we're all OK. The newsroom seemed to be in good spirits, and I did not get a feel that the managers seemed to be worried all that much. In fact, I believe half of them had left before I did. Now, tomorrow could be another story, but I don't think so.

All of you stay safe, and keep watching. We'll be OK, even though this is "the Mother of all storms."

I will try to update tomorrow afternoon from work, assuming we have power and internet access. I am thinking about you all, and hoping you can come home soon.

God Bless.

For the birds (and all things that fly)

2008-08-28T21:55:00.011-05:00

I hope I don't regret this deciding-to-stay thing.

So since last night with me berating you all for panicking, Gooostav has moved almost southwest for a day, and the projected track hasn't changed very much. Yep, it's still pointed almost right at us. But I'm not scared. I am standing by my word(s): It's not coming here, dammit.

At least it won't hit on my birthday this time.

And besides, I have nature on my side. Don't believe me? Well, just read this -- paraphrased from a Ponchatoula man who called into Bob DelGiorno's radio show last night on WWL.

"Bob, you're going to call me crazy for this one, but I just have to tell you this. I have a nice-sized property up here with plenty of open space behind my house. I have a long fence line, and on that fence line is a long line of wasps' nests.

"Now Bob, there are thousands of wasps on this fence line, and I swear to you that three years ago, two weeks before SHE came, those wasps disappeared. They went and hid underneath an old outdrive motor. They went underneath an overhang. They were not on that fence line.

"People have been telling me for years to get rid of those things, but I won't. I went out there this afternoon, and they're all there. I believe that these things know when something bad is going to happen. And not just wasps, but birds, animals, everything. This isn't to say that I'm not concerned, but I feel a little better knowing the wasps don't seem to be too scared."

I don't think Mr. X from Ponchatoula is crazy at all. I think back to the morning of Aug. 28, 2005, when we decided to leave because of HER. Me and my bestest roommates of all time were heading out, and as I was standing outside waiting to take off, I noticed there were no birds flying. Anywhere. The birds in the nest that had been bothering us every night before we went to bed were gone. The trees had nothing on them but leaves. The wires stretched across the endless line of power poles were bare. Not a chirp. Not a peep. Just an eerie feel surrounding us. (Except these three parrots who looked like they had escaped from Jamaica or something. Weird. Very, very weird.)

I will never forget that. That quiet spoke volumes for what was about to come.

This one is different. I'd be a fool not to be concerned, as I have committed to staying this time, and I pray that I am not keeping my family in harm's way. (Although, I won't hesitate to have them leave if it looks Monday like it will be a repeat of '05.)

I just don't feel it, and I truly think I have been blessed with an innate gift of being able to predict these sorts of things. Maybe I was a bird in my past life. (Probably would have been a mockingbird, but that's for another blog.)

Maybe it's my momma telling me everything is going to be OK. I don't know. I just hope I'm right.

Be safe. Good luck. God Bless.

Top 20 office quotes (No. 11)

2008-08-28T21:51:00.001-05:00

April 6, 2003:
(After Clotile jumped into the dugout at Zephyr Field and broke her ankle)
Former sports editor: "The good news is when they took her to the vet, they got her spayed at the same time."

Top 20 office quotes (No. 12)

2008-08-27T22:21:00.004-05:00

March 24, 2004:
Me: "I'm trying to say something nice about the Reds." DJW: "Marge Schott is dead."

LAGNIAPPE WEDNESDAY NIGHT
DJW: "I hear Da Wife is trying to find a nice girl for The Gene Pool?"
WWB: "Or maybe not-so-nice."

Will you people just calm down?

2008-08-27T22:08:00.003-05:00

Here comes Gustav. Big damned deal.

People across New Orleans (including 90 percent of the people I know) are panicking, thinking we have a repeat of HER coming this way. Ain't gonna happen.

Should we be prepared in case it looks this early track comes to fruition? Sure. Should we have plans in case we have to pick up and leave? Absolutely. Should we begin to call the insurance company to get our claims ready? Get real.

If you plan on living here, get over it. Get yourself prepared, make a plan, even take all the cash from the bank you might think you'll need on a road trip. Hell, even fill the tank up with gas. Just stop the freakin panicking, because it's NEVER going to change. Every year there will be one, two, possibly three or four storms in which the projected path takes it within 100 miles of the city. One likely will be projected to be a Category 3 or worse. One every other year will be projected to come right up the mouth of the river. And 39 times out of 40, it will veer to the right, or better yet, never even come close to the projected path.

Take Gustav, for example. Monday's 5 p.m. forecast for then-Hurricane Gustav had it strengthening to about 90 mph and heading WNW about 150 to 200 miles by this afternoon. Instead, it weakened to a 45-mph tropical storm and moved west-SOUTHwest about 80 or 100 miles.

The point is, da weatherman doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Bob Breck even said so last night. "Folks, we just don't know where it's going yet."

Everyone, please, please, please, continue to watch the toupee king and by Saturday, we might have a clue. Until then, if you can't take the water, get out of the soup bowl you live in.

Be safe.

Top 20 office quotes (No. 13)

2008-08-26T17:01:00.002-05:00

Aug. 14, 2008:
Me (after some meaningless trivia is spewed once again around the Sports department): "Max, you have some unbelievable info in your head."
The Gene Pool: "Yeah Max, you have nice nuggets."

From the mouths of babes

2008-08-26T16:54:00.002-05:00

Let me preface this by saying when I was 5 years old, I had no idea where babies came from. My guess is I really didn't care all that much.

Today's child? Like everything else in this world, is much different. Today, there are 5-year-old kids who know more about some things than I do. I have seen 7 and 8 year olds work a computer better than me, and I think I have above-average knowledge on the subject.

But today's quote comes from Da Wife's (only two days left to vote, people) little 5-year-old niece.

Her mom is in the hospital preparing to bring little Stella into the world, and Grace walks into the kitchen and asks this: "Aunt Da Wife, Did Stella come out my mommy's gina yet?"

Might take a while to top that one.

Got my eye on you

2008-08-23T19:03:00.005-05:00

I have NEVER had a reason to distrust da wife. That being said, I think she might have a crush on The Gene Pool.

Maybe it's just jealousy; you be the judge.

At least three times in the past 10 days or so, I walk in the den and she's cracking up. I mean it's like someone took out the tickling feather and went to town. (If I ever catch The Gene Pool doing this, Tina will be wearing black for an f'in month.) And if I call up TGP at any random moment and say, "Honey, did you see this, it's hysterical," the response is always the same. "I read that already."

Seriously, WTF?

I'm a funny dude sometimes, I think? When I ask her to look at something on my blog, she'll call it up (which means she hadn't read my blog, but she's read TGP arrrrggghhh), and she'll scroll down quickly through it and say something like, "That's cute."

Cute? Cute??!!?? F'ing cute??????!!!!!????? A poodle's cute. (That's for you, JLE.) An f'ing baby is cute. Hell, even a God damned advertising slogan for body wash can be cute. But I'm cute and TGP is the best thing since HD television?

Horse hockey. I think something is up here. It has to be. And I'm going to keep my eye on this whole situation.

She even had the gall to say last week, "Why can't you be like Gene? He's funny." (Although she tried to tell me yesterday that she didn't say it like that. Again, HH.)

OK, no need to judge. I guess I admit that I am a little jealous. I want to know what I have to do to be more funny. I don't have a mom that spews the F bomb like an 18-year-old chick does her chinese food after 11 Miller Lites on a Saturday night. I don't have a pool to have pool parties and have cool friends come over and give me endless fodder to write about. And I certainly don't have the frickin memory that TGP has. I mean who really can recall an embarassing moment from the fifth grade? For me that would be like 1977 or something. In case you're too young to figure out how long ago that was, gas was 80 cents a gallon then and Lee Majors was cool. (I know, "Who's Lee Majors?")

You know, maybe that bastard really is that much funnier than me. I have to look at this in a completely different light. Take the high road, yeah, that's it. Maybe I can secretly get some lines from TGP at work and then bring 'em home and see if D-Dub will go for 'em as my own.

It's worth a shot, I think. Because I ain't playin second fiddle to that something, something, something, something, something, 20-something. I can't remember what I had for lunch on my first day of school in seventh grade, but I can be funny God dammit.

At least I hope I can.

Top 20 office quotes (No. 14)

2008-08-23T18:50:00.001-05:00

May 16, 1994:
Pete calls; I answer. Pete says: "Can I talk to somebody?"

Top 20 office quotes (No. 15)

2008-08-22T17:24:00.001-05:00

March 8, 1999:
PVW: "22 years ago I started doing agate, and now I'm doing the Digest."

Top 20 office quotes (No. 16)

2008-08-21T20:42:00.001-05:00

July 6, 2006 (After an hour-long debate of the best movies of all time):
JRap: "Benji was a (homosexual) dog."

A birthday treat

2008-08-20T22:14:00.004-05:00

With B-day No. 40 coming up next week, I was thinking about what I'd want for a present. It's pretty simple, really, and it wouldn't cost anyone any money. Of course, though, I'm probably one of millions who want the same thing.

These people are young and old, some maybe even 100 years old, to be exact. In case you haven't figured it out by now (and I don't want to talk too much about it because of being so superstitious) is that I am a huge Chicago Cubs fan. Have been for about three-quarters of my life.

I have had the emotional highs and lows like all others who bleed blue and red, and in fact, my Cubs high and Cubs low happened within 10 days of the other.

The high came Oct. 5, 2003, in Atlanta when I was with my biggest, bestest Cubs buddy, Mickey D. The Cubs beat the Braves 5-1 to clinch their first postseason Series since 1908, when they won the World Series. Kerry Wood sprayed champagne on us. Somewhere on one of Eric Karros' old video tapes is me with my boys. I hugged some dude I never met -- and never saw again -- for what would have been a inordinately awkward amount of time any other day. I chanted the Braves rally cry for about 10 minutes in front of an Atlanta deli before some Braves fan shouted, "Enough already. We get it. We lost."

The low came Oct. 14, 2003. I remember the exact spot I was standing when that bastard Bartman touched the ball. It hurts too much to go into the details, but all I can say is within seconds of him ruining what would have been the 23rd out with just four to go, I said, "It's over; we lost the series." I didn't need the next 25 hours to prove I was right. Nuff said.

Anyway, I decided with my birthday coming up and with my wish and all, I'd give myself and the one or two of you Cubs fans who might be reading this a treat. It's the top 10 Cubs games played on my birthday, followed by some worthless trivia. (But go ahead. Impress your friends next Friday and give them some "back on this date" BS. They'll probably call you sick, like da wife did when I told her I was going to spend about three hours doing this research. And actually, it was more like five. Even sicker.)

Here we go ...

10. August 29, 1986: Cubs 7, Braves 3 (at Atlanta)
--> Mainly because this is was just one day before the first major-league regular-season game I ever attended. The Cubs won on my birthday, but lost when I was there the next day. In this one, the Cubbies scored two runs in the fourth and five in the fifth to take it. Bobby Dernier hit a three-run homer, Manny Trillo was 3-for-3 with two RBIs, and Scott Sanderson pitched seven innings, allowing three runs and striking out eight.

9. August 29, 1984: Cubs 7, Reds 2 (at Wrigley Field)
--> In the season in which they made the postseason for the first time since losing to Detroit in the 1945 World Series, this was win No. 79, including their fourth in a row. Rick Sutcliffe (who lost that first major-league game I ever attended Aug. 30, 1986) was dominating, pitching eight innings, allowing two earned runs. Sutcliffe, who was traded from Cleveland earlier in the season, was 16-1 with the Cubs on the way to an NL Cy Young Award. Leon Durham, whom I have forgiven for allowing a ball to go through his legs which might have cost us the 1984 NLCS, hit a three-run homer in the third to give the Cubs a 5-1 lead. Ryne Sandberg was 3-for-5.

8. August 29, 2000: Cubs 7, Padres 6, 13 innings (at Wrigley Field)
--> The longest game played on my birthday since I was born. In fact, there have only been four extra-inning games on Aug. 29 since 1968, and the Cubs are 3-1. In this one, Ricky Gutierrez's sacrifice fly in the 13th scored Eric Young to win it. This came after Rick Aguilera blew his eighth save of the season in the ninth, giving up an RBI single to some guy named Mike Darr. Roosevelt Brown, Joe Girardi and Willie Green each had two RBIs. It was a rare bright spot for a team that upped its record to 57-74. They only won eight more games the rest of the season, finishing 65-97 in Don Baylor's first season.

7. August 29, 1991: Cubs 5, Giants 4 (at San Francisco)
--> Greg Maddux pitched a complete game -- one of seven he had that season -- allowing three runs in the first three innings, before settling down. 1991 was the season before Maddux began a string of winning four consecutive Cy Young Awards. Also in this game, George Bell was 3-for-3 with three RBIs. He also hit a two-run homer in the fifth to give the Cubs a 4-3 lead. Dwight Smith won it in the eighth with a game-winning RBI single. Andre Dawson was 2-for-4 with an RBI.

6. August 29, 1969: Cubs 2, Braves 1 (at Atlanta)
--> Boy, I remember it well sitting in that playpen with my dad raising those rabbit ears 200 feet in the air up the ham radio tower so he could get WGN for me. OK, maybe not. But because the Cubbies didn't play on the day I was born, this is the first Aug. 29 game for me. And they won! Don Kessinger was 3-for-4, Ron Santo batted cleanup and was 2-for-4, and Jim Hickman hit a game-winning solo home run in the seventh. Bill Hands pitched a complete game, allowing six hits, one walk, while striking out four to go 16-11. In the most odd play I have ever heard of, Cubs great Billy Williams hit into a 3-6-2-5-1-4-7 triple play!

5. August 29. 1988: Cubs 2, Astros 1, 11 innings (at Houston)
--> Just 21 days after the first night game at Wrigley, Greg Maddux pitched well in the Astrodome but couldn't get a win. He went nine innings (he did that twice on my B-day), but got a no-decision, as he allowed six walks and struck out five. The game-winning hit came from Mitch Webster in the top of the 11th on a single that drove home pinch-runner Darrin Jackson. Scott Sanderson earned his first win of the season in relief.

4. August 29, 1999: Cubs 6, Dodgers 0 (at Los Angeles)
--> Despite improving their record to a paltry 54-75, it was a good night on the West Coast for the Lovable Losers. Sammy Sosa hit his 54th homer of the season and 117th in two seasons (he finished with 63 in 1999) off Darren Dreifort in the seventh. Mark Grace was 1-for-3 with an RBI. But the interesting stat here is that Kyle Farnsworth pitched the only complete game in his career, a two-hit shutout. He walked three and struck out two, and he was never the same again. ;)

3. August 29, 2003: Cubs 4, Brewers 2 (at Wrigley Field)
--> Oddly enough, this is the last time the Cubs have won on my birthday, and this was the fifth season in a row that they won on Aug. 29. Catcher Damian Miller's solo homer in the eighth put the seal on a win the boys in blue desperately needed on the way to a playoff berth. Kenny Lofton, Sammy Sosa, Eric Karros, Aramis Ramirez and Miller all had multi-hit games. Another interesting stat in this one: It was the third consecutive season Matt Clement got a decision in a Cubs win on my B-day. In 2001, he lost 5-1 to Chicago when pitching for Florida, and in 2002, he defeated Milwaukee.

2. August 29, 2002: Cubs 13, Brewers 10 (at Milwaukee)
--> By far, the highest scoring game on Aug. 29 in Cubs history. Most of the pop came from a 10-run fourth for Chicago, which used homers in the inning from Bill Mueller and Mark Bellhorn. Eight Cubs knocked in runs in a game between teams with a combined record of 102-163. Matt Clement earned the win, and despite the score, he didn't pitch all that poorly. He allowed four earned runs in seven innings, and he struck out 10. Bellhorn, though, was the star in this wild one, going 2-for-5 with two homers and five RBIs.

1. August 29, 1989: Cubs 10, Astros 9, 10 innings (at Wrigley Field)
--> This one is tops on the list by a wide margin. I remember this one pretty well, and even remember watching it from the bedroom of my girlfriend's parents' house. (Pretty sad that's how I spent my 21st birthday, I know.) If I remember correctly, it was a late afternoon game, like starting at 3:20 or something, because I think it ended under the lights. Houston took a 9-0 lead in the fifth on a grand slam by Rafael Ramirez, who went 3-for-5 with seven RBIs. But the Cubs came back little by little. They scored two in the sixth, and Lloyd McClendon's two-run homer in the seventh cut the lead to 9-4. Dwight Smith later singled in Mark Grace to make it 9-5 at the end of seven. Joe Girardi started the bottom of the eighth with a single between short and third, and he advanced to second on a passed ball. Vance Law flied out to center, and NL Rookie of the Year Jerome Walton reached first on an error, with Girardi going to third. Ryne Sandberg, Grace and McClendon followed with RBI singles, and Smith's sacrifice fly tied the score at 9. In the 10th, Smith did it again, this time with an RBI single with the bases loaded and one out off Houston closer Dave Smith. Cubs win! Cubs win!

OTHER ODD CUBS' STATS FOR AUG. 29 SINCE 1968
--> The Cubs have been off just three times on this date in the past 40 years: 1968, 1970 and 1994 (strike year). This year, they host the Phillies -- (the first time in my lifetime they will play the Phillies on Aug. 29).
--> Their overall record is 20-17. Currently they're on a four-game losing streak, which followed a five-game winning streak on Aug. 29.
--> Their home record is 9-6, road 11-11.
--> The team they've played the most on my birthday: Atlanta, by far. They're 5-5 against them. Second is Los Angeles (4-2) and third is Houston (3-3).
--> The Cubs, strangely enough, have played one interleague game, on Aug. 29, 1997, losing at Cleveland 7-6 (Orel Hershiser picked up the win).
--> Pete LaCock hit his only career homer Aug. 29, 1974, and it was the only run the Cubs scored that day in a 3-1 loss at Los Angeles.
--> There have been 11 complete games pitched in Cubs games on my birthday -- eight for Chicago (Bill Hands in '69, Milt Pappas in '72, Ray Burris in '75 and '76, Greg Maddux in '91, Kyle Farnsworth in '99, Jason Bere in '01 and Matt Clement in '03) and three for an opponent (Bill Singer a loss for the Dodgers in '72, Gaylord Perry for the Padres in '79 and Tom Browning for the Reds in '87).
--> Ryne Sandberg has the most at-bats for the Cubs on my birthday and was 20-for-54 (.370 BA) with one home run in 1992.

Top 20 office quotes (No. 17)

2008-08-20T16:33:00.000-05:00

February 25, 2000:
Mike M.: Clark, you have an 8-inch NBA hole. Clark: What did you call me?

Say what?

2008-08-20T14:28:00.001-05:00

WWL-TV meterologist Jonathan Myers on Tropical Storm Fay, which made landfall yesterday after about a week or 10 days: "It seems like we have been monitoring Fay forever. And we almost have been."

Family Fool

2008-08-20T02:55:00.002-05:00

I want to be on a game show some day. For two years, I have dreamt of being on Deal or No Deal, telling Howie how I was going for the million and then looking over at da wife and her giving me the eyes of, "You better take that God damned deal or you'll think Lorena Bobbitt was the tooth fairy."

Ahh, dreams. It's sort of like the lottery in that you can't win if you don't try. And unlike the lottery, I haven't tried to get on a game show.

But that leads me to my point. I wouldn't try out for a game show that I know would make me look like an idiot on national television. I can do that at home. Take Jeopardy, for example. I'd have no shot. They'd ask something about some pre-historic fish, and I'd sit there with my buzzer in my hand looking like Bill and Ted in history class. Yeah, dude, good question. Maybe I should ask my good friend So Crates. Far out.

There are people around this great country of ours who just don't care how stupid they look. Just as long as they're on TV and they have something to brag to their friends about.

Point in case: Da wife is watching Family Feud, and she is finally starting to believe my theory that they pick the most moronic people that they can find to be contestants so, A) it's entertaining, and B) they don't have to pay out as much.

Tuesday's episode was a perfect example. The challenge is to name the presidents who would look the hottest in a Speedo. After Bill Clinton (the No. 1 answer) and John F. Kennedy (the No. 2 answer), here's the next 45 seconds or so of the show:

Contestant: "Billy Cheney." Host: "Hmmm. I guess Billy is another in a long line of nicknames for Richard. Show me our vice president, Billy Cheney."

Bommmmmmmp.

Next contestant: "I got it. Harriet Tubman." (with the straightest of faces, I might add.) Host: "Where are you from?" Contestant: "Houston." Host: " Do they have to take history in school in Houston? Show me President Harriet Tubman."

Bommmmmmmp.

In the same show, three answers in a row to the topic, "Things kids like to eat most: 'Shepherd's Pie,' 'sandwiches' and 'vegetables' (which the woman pronounced 'vegetebbles')." Also, when asked to name the greatest invention in modern history? "Terlet paper." (That's my favorite.)

So my advice to you is this: If you want to go on a game show, make sure you go to Toys R Us and pick up the home version. Play it 300 or 400 times, and then ask yourself: Do I have what it takes not to look like the world's biggest numb nuts? If the answer is yes, go for it. Shoot for the moon and have a good time.

If the answer is no, stay home and keep yelling the wrong answers to the TV. At least then, only Fideaux will laugh at you.

Top 20 office quotes (No. 18)

2008-08-19T18:18:00.002-05:00

January 28, 1997 (after getting a little peeved when he had to change something because of design):
Pete: Were a newspaper, not a (...)ing art gallery.